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He won't leave - what next?

(8 Posts)
Kitcat123 Tue 12-Jan-16 11:38:34

Have been married 16 years and have 3 children. Marriage has had ups and downs but last 2 years have been dismal. We sleep in separate rooms, have little conversation, sit in different rooms in the evening - basically do not get on! When we have talked about us, he lays the blame with me saying he doesn't know what he has done wrong.
The main crux for me has been his selfishness over the years. I accept he works long hours during the week, however I also have a part time job (school hours) and do all the childcare, cleaning, running the house. He does no housework whatsoever, has never switched the Hoover on, put washing on etc. In fact has no interest in the house at all - not interested in decorating, new furniture - would happily live in a pig sty! He loves the children but has never attended nativities, parents evenings, or suggested "shall I take them to football" etc. Everything is left for me. School holidays are a nightmare as he has to be nagged into taking days off work, and the child care juggling is all left to me to sort out.
Lastly - finances have caused huge tension. I know he is on a good salary (60-70k) but he is secretive about money & is always telling me he has none. He has his own bank account & pays a sum into my account which covers mortgage & bills. My (low) salary goes in there too. When it comes to extras like clothes for kids, holidays, Christmas it is like getting blood from a stone. I have ended up getting into credit card debt / borrowing from my parents.
He says he does not want to move out of the house because he doesn't want to leave the kids. I would never stop him seeing them. I have suggested he moves in with his mum who lives nearby, he says he'll think about it but nothing. (This was 2 months ago).
I am scared about money - I cannot afford to buy him out and there is still a big chunk of mortgage outstanding. I don't really want to move from area because the kids are happy at school. I have stuck things out for the sake of the kids but I feel so lonely and fed up of living a lie. Family and friends are unaware of how bad things are.
Should I go to a solicitor for advice? Are divorce papers the only option? Any advice appreciated!

pocketsaviour Tue 12-Jan-16 18:26:28

He says he does not want to move out of the house because he doesn't want to leave the kids.

These would be the kids he doesn't like spending time with, can't be bothered to find out how they're doing at school or even if they're attending, and begrudges clothing? Yeah okay mate hmm

I think a solicitor is the way forward here. You may well have to force a sale but it's possible a solicitor can suggest another way forward. Take as much info as you can to the appointment, copies of his payslips if you can get them but up to date mortgage statement is probably more important.

Here's a bit of good news for you: on a split, your debts and assets will be added together and then split. So the debt that you've had to incur on your credit card to feed and clothe his children, will now be split 50/50 with him. Isn't that a joyous thought? It's also highly likely that you'll get more than 50% of the house if you will be the primary resident parent - and let's be honest, it doesn't sound like he would be interested in a 50/50 residence arrangement, does it?

Hillfarmer Tue 12-Jan-16 22:21:13

Yes, go to a solicitor. Sad to say, he obviously does not respect you in the slightest...he is being a tosser who thinks you won't pull the plug. My advice to you is 'Pull the damn plug'. Good luck.

RealityCheque Tue 12-Jan-16 22:38:23

I wouldn't move out if I were him either. It would likely fuck him up financially. Do not forget it is his house also.

Ii doesnt sound like he is abusive so if the marriage is over, get a divorce, sort out finances, downsize if necessary and move forwards separately.

RandomMess Tue 12-Jan-16 22:44:41

Well it is likely you will get a mesher order to enable you and the dc to stay in the house until the youngest is 18 (I suggest negotiating up to 20 if you can) unless their is change in the status quo such as you acquiring a live in partner etc.

He will also have to pay you maintenance circa 20% of his salary, plus you will get child benefit and you may get some child tax credit. Hopefully this would be enough to cover the mortgage payments although you can try and negotiate he continues to pay a share of it in order to maintain a higher % of equity when sold in the future.

So basically crack on and issue the divorce proceedings. It does sound as though he's been financially abusive though - withholding money from you.

RealityCheque Tue 12-Jan-16 23:15:10

A mesher order is extremely unlikely. They are not given out like sweeties you know!

Please seek proper advice.

teddyboo Wed 13-Jan-16 14:23:47

My husband won't move out either - he is making our lives miserable (4 children) he must be unhappy too - he is verbally abusive to me in front of kiddies and them too. But there is NO WAY he is going anywhere after all where is he supposed to go!!!!! I have been told about a occupation order but lengthy and expensive?? He has own business and I have mine but not allowed to run it as I want (in case I run off with all the money or run it into the ground) !!!! Have no idea what he earns he won't discuss it! At a loss what to do also xx

hellsbellsmelons Wed 13-Jan-16 14:49:11

Firstly stop doing anything for him.
No washing, cooking, cleaning, ironing, nothing.
He will HAVE to learn how to use the washing machine if you aren't doing his washing.
I would go to a solicitor and get some advice as a starting point.
Is there anyway you can access his bank account information?

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