Hi everyone. I hope this isn't going to be too long or rambling but I am feeling really really scared and low and would welcome any advice/ words of support.
I posted a few months ago about some issues with my DH since we had our daughter. He took a long time to bond with her and for the first 3 months was very distant and cold towards her which was very hard.
DD is now 5 months old and a total delight. She is a very happy, smiley baby always on the go and DH has now found his relationship with her and shows real love and affection for her which I am obviously really relieved about.
The problem is he hasn't found any real love and affection for me. I have lost count of how many times I have tried to approach this with him and he has gotten so furious because he thinks I am completely unreasonable (so would appreciate thoughts) - I am currently on mat leave and do absolutely everything for DD. I'm happy to do it - I love her to pieces and she is my full time job. She still wakes every 1-2 hours through the night and gets up at 5.30/6am. During the day, I do every single household job. Keep the house clean, do all the laundry and put it away, walk the dog twice, feed the dog, do the shopping - some of these things might seem trivial but the point is I have to mentally organise it all because DH doesn't need to think about any of it at all. He used to be responsible for dinner each evening, as of a couple of years ago. That was mainly because I was recovering from an eating disorder and we discovered that if he completely took the food shopping/ decision making and preparation away from me I found it all less stressful.
Since we had DD he has been coming home later - I asked that he can try and be home for 6 to help with her bath but he usually comes in about 6.30/ 7 when I'm just putting her to bed. He then starts asking me what I want for dinner and gets annoyed if I have no idea because I haven't thought about it.
The other day we went to the supermarket and he asked me what I want for dinner. I said I didn't know and he asked me to make suggestions. So I just stood in the supermarket frantically listing every meal I could think of and becoming stressed because I couldn't remember many things we usually make. After that he said to me that he is fed up of the onus always being on him to think about dinner. I reminded him why we originally had that arrangement and he accepted that but made no indication he was sorry or had been unreasonable.
Anyway it has all come to a head this weekend. Since being on mat leave I have also been left to all the home admin e.g. applying for all family benefits, applying for passports for DD (two countries, we are in australia and she is both australian and british), childcare for DD. I have been trying to sort out my state maternity pay since July and I have fucked it up. It has cost us $2000 and he has been chasing me about this and all other admin stuff the past 2 days and I can't explain how it made me feel - almost bullied. I have felt like a child with him constantly throwing questions at me and him getting more and more frustrated/ angry. Last night he woke me up when he came to bed to tell me that I'd done it all wrong, then we had an argument, which woke DD (same room) and he went to sleep in the spare room.
Probably relevant - we haven't had sex since she was born. He hasn't pushed me, but has mentioned it several times which is understandable. I feel like I am being punished for this without him even realising this is what he's doing.
I just sat there in bed last night holding DD and crying because I feel so terrified about what will happen to us if we split up. I have no family here and although I have friends, no close friends. I want to go home and be near my family but DH's work is in Australia and I can't leave him, or take her away from him, even if he would let me.
I don't know what to do :(
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Other side of world and I think my marriage is falling apart.
14 replies
User24689 · 12/01/2016 02:20
OP posts:
whatyouseeiswhatyouget ·
13/01/2016 06:50
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