Feeling lonely in the relationship

[jeblee]

I've basically just become a nanny. My life consists of sorting out the kids and going to work whilst my OH always makes time to go out with his friends, play computer games and basically act like a teenager never telling me what's going on whilst having a secret wank in the bathroom. We had sex once last year and 3 times the year before. He'd much rather watch porn secretly on his phone. I've tried to talk about it, I've even burst into tears. When I make an effort he usually notices but then decides its not good enough to tear him away from the computer or he makes hints about how tired he is. He does make little gestures during the day but I don't appreciate having my boob grabbed when it NEVER actually leads to anything and he just then sods off with his mates. We do nothing together and we have nothing in common anymore besides the kids. The constant nights on my own in tears makes me feel like it's come to a natural end but think I'd be selfish to break it off especially as a break would mean I would definitely move a couple of hours drive away nearer to my family. I've talked about it many times before and sometimes it changes but always just goes back and he makes little to no effort on the relationship. I don't really know what to do.

[mum2mum99]

That's a long list of grudges. I am temped to use the word 'cocklodger'. What on earth is keeping you in this relationship?
How would you feel about leaving him?

[jeblee]

Children, financial ties, family expectations and the prospect of guilt is what's keeping me here so far.

[HandyWoman]

Financial ties can be sorted

Family expectations can be adjusted (you simply can't do other people's thinking for them)

Guilt.... That would be misplaced here, how much guilt does he feel, do you think, for barely noticing yours and the dc's existence save for the odd boob grab?

You can't 'stay for the children' no, please don't do that to them.

Which begs the question. What is there to stay for?

[hownottofuckup]

He doesn't sound like he's worth giving your life and happiness up for.
I think it would be kindest all round to end it now and move on.
How old are the DC?
Sounds like one or the other of you will end it sooner or later, usually best to get it over with

[mum2mum99]

Jeblee you could spiral into deep depression with this kind of relationship.
Well in this case family expectations will have to go in the drain too. But they can't see that. Not sure that make staying an option.
I am sure that without this man child around you would start to feel much more efficient and life would feel so much easier.
Financial ties can be undone. You just have to know how to do it.

[hownottofuckup]

And I doubt very much your family expect you to sacrifice all your happiness and self-esteem for this, or you wouldn't be talking about moving back to be near them when you do split?
Could you talk to them now about it?

[jeblee]

He'd never end it, he's happy with how it is which actually upsets me more. He says he loves me but definitely doesn't show it but I think that's just the way he is. I've spoken to my parents about some of it (not sex!) and they're very much of the opinion that I put up with it for the children, that's what they did! Some days I literally dream about leaving and then other days it just seems like the most stupid idea ever, my children are only 3 and 1. I know I have to make a decision now as we're supposed to be moving soon. Thanks for the replies I had started to think it was just me being unreasonable, when I try to talk about it I just get told relationships are difficult.

[HandyWoman]

Oh dear god, he's happy

You're right, that's a million times worse. He has zero respect for you. You are just there as a walking kitchen/childcare appliance. He's happy about that?

Don't move with him. Don't take on more debt.

If you stay you'll be sacrificing your mental health in order to teach your dc that this is what relationships are like just like you parents taught you.

Please think of a way of getting out another way.

Is there anyone else you can confide in who is not invested in the status quo (ie your parents)???

[Hillfarmer]

Your parents are wrong.

[mum2mum99]

Jeblee it sounds quite familiar. I heard that from my parents too. I ended up staying far too long, that's my only regret.
Now I have realised that my parents' relationship is dysfunctional too. Modelling on them, I ended up in an EA relationship.
In your DPs' time women were only supposed to please their husband, and this whether their demand were or weren't reasonable.
If you have clearly told them what living with him is like, they should be supporting you. Mine didn't and tried to make me feel guilty for divorcing an abusive a**.
It is your decision. Not anyone else's.

[jeblee]

I don't really have anyone else, I moved closer to him years ago and just kind of ended up a bit isolated from my old friends, I think that's partly why I want to go. Sad thing is I think he would really fight for the relationship if he had to but problem is it lasts a week and then I go back to being mother substitute. I will have another conversation, I was hoping to try tonight but from the sounds of it I'd be competing with his other love...

[mum2mum99]

Is it love or dependency for his DM? Has he been raised to be self-standing or has been a golden child turning into an entitled man?

[jeblee]

Hes very much the golden only child to a crazy old fashioned mother who doesn't like him to do anything himself. She instructs me on what vests to buy him! But tbf he does recognise it and has a weird love hate relationship with her. But sometimes I notice he talks to me in the same way he speeks to her, he really didn't like it when I pointed that out.

[FeedMyFaceWithJaffaCakes]

Hello op.
Sounds like you have yourself a mummy's boy here who has just replaced one with the other and he needs to grow up a little bit!
You need to stop parenting him.
Does he ever look after your dcs by himself?

[jeblee]

Since I had the second he doesn't think he'll cope with the pair of them, his mum doesn't either although strangely enough when I go to work they're fine to do it! But I'm very much persuaded not to leave him with both if i can help it and his mum often only asks for DS as that's her favourite! Hence why I don't get a lot of time to myself or as a couple. He's off work this week but he's sending the kids to his mum's as usual so he doesn't have to have them.

[LittleLegs25]

It doesn't sound as though he's making you happy in the slightest. I think if he's not that good of a dad in the first place then you would have nothing to feel guilty about if you decided it was over.

I think its disgusting that he's having a week off work and karting the kids off to his mums house. This alone would be a valid reason to LTB (in my eyes anyway)

[Jibberjabberjooo]

Don't stay for the children. It's an enormous amount of pressure to put upon them. What are you teaching them? That your happiness comes last and to put up and shut up, which is what you were taught. Don't repeat your parent's mistakes.

Of course your dh is happy! He doesn't have to do anything, plus he gets to go out, you look after the kids. Win win. No effort on his part, happy days.

You deserve more than this. You deserve to be happy too, stop placing yourself last.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

jeblee,

re your comment:-

"I've spoken to my parents about some of it (not sex!) and they're very much of the opinion that I put up with it for the children, that's what they did!"

That was crap advice they gave you and partly why you are in this situation now. Look where that got you. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents.

Of course he is happy; he has you there to serve him. He is as happy as a clam so I can see what is in this for him but for you there is really nothing.
Better to be alone than to be badly accompanied.

You should never tolerate his mother playing favourites either with your children; that is extremely damaging to them and will mess up their own sibling relationship big time. This is basically a continuation of what happened to her son; she was not a good parent to him and is an awful example of a grandparent to her grandchildren.

Your man's own relationship with his mother is unhealthy to say the least and his mother is also not a good person to be anywhere near either.

Staying for the children is not a good idea; it teaches them that their parents relationship was based on a lie. Also its a terrible burden to place upon a child, the realisation that you only stayed because of them. It also teaches them that a loveless relationship is the "norm" for them too.

You and this man now need to be apart.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Read about narcissistic mothers and sons; he is totally enmeshed with his mother.

[jeblee]

He does do things around the house, I had a big blow up because I was getting no help a few years ago and to his credit he has stepped up since and helps out with chores and he'll occasionally take the kids off to give me a break for an hour or so. But I think he is a bit worried about having them both on his own which makes me feel pressured to always be there and practical things are often left to me. I think its mainly the lack of intimacy and feeling as thoigh we're just housemates which is making me just feel bitter and resentful towards him. I'm hoping his mother will be better once she's bonded with the baby a bit more but it does really upset me.

[pocketsaviour]

Read back what you've just said.
he'll occasionally take the kids off to give me a break for an hour or so
He managed to parent HIS CHILDREN for an hour - and that's him really making an effort?! Jesus.

Why on earth could he not "cope" with a 1 and 3 yr old? (Unless they have SN?) No reason whatever, he just doesn't want to. Has a week off work and takes them to his mum's?! Words fail me.

At your DC's current ages, it will be far better and easier to split with him now. You know he won't bother pursuing contact, right? And you'll probably have to get the CMS onto him for maintenance. But none of that should stop you removing your children from this situation.

How long do you think it will be before your DD notices that granny only loves DS and not her? Don't imagine she will bond with DD; she is not going to break the habit of a lifetime. She has damaged her son and she will do her level best to damage the next generation in the same way.

Your parents' opinions on your marriage are just that - opinions. They're not married to him, so their opinions shouldn't be a deciding factor in your happiness.

Don't frame this to yourself as being "selfish". There's nothing selfish about saying "I have needs and they are not being met." You do not have a duty to make yourself unhappy in order to keep your husband (and his revolting mother) happy. His needs do not trump yours.

[jeblee]

He does love the kids but he's so used to being on his own with just his mum that he forgets he has other people around him and it's so frustrating. I just don't get to take long showers or sit on Facebook all the time and I don't get how he thinks it's fair for him to do it. I dont mind him sending the kids away for a break, but he's going to have 3 days and it would have been nice to move the day so we can do something together, it just really hurts that it doesn't even cross his mind. Bit fed up of thinking about it all now.

[jeblee]

...and we're not married, I'm not good enough for marriage!

[treesarebrown]

Some people find children easier to deal with when they are older and that might be the case for your OH and his mother (seeing they are related) so it might not be favouritism and might improve as your DD gets older - one to watch though.

[pocketsaviour]

Do you really think he loves the kids? Honestly? I mean loves them as little people, who have personalities and needs and wants? Or do you think he sees them more like a family pet - like a dog he can play catch or run around with when he feels like it, but is a bit of an inconvenience most of the time, what with needing to be fed and taken outside for a pee twice a day.