Feeling so alone and fed up as DH leaves everything to me

[cranberrycheeseadict]

I have namechanged for this.

DH and I have been together for 14 years. I have a DC from a previous relationship, who is 18, and we have 2 DCs together who are 8 and 5.

DH pulled his weight before we had our first child together, was ok-ish after she was born but really since then he has got lazier and lazier, lounging around all the time unless he is doing something he wants to do, and leaving everything to me.

I know it probably sounds mad but I feel quite lonely and also overwhelmed that everything is left to me all the time. He will never say "come on kids, get your bikes, we'll go for a bike ride" or play with the DCs, or do anything organisational at all. And of course he does nothing in the house. At all.

When I gave birth to our youngest child I was quite poorly afterwards having had a PPH, and literally while I was in hospital DH did nothing. I came home from hospital to a house with no food in, that hadn't been cleaned or tidied in the slightest, no laundry done, nothing. And I was expected to just fit back into the routine of food shopping, cooking, cleaning. After my PPH my iron levels were so low I could barely think straight, let alone start to plan meals etc. I would just have loved a few days of DH taking everything in hand, and me just being able to rest and recover. He had a week off work but spent the whole time playing computer games and doing things he wanted to do.

Yesterday I came down with a bad cold/cough/temperature and spent the whole day feeling awful until mid afternoon when I gave in and went to lay down. DH did absolutely nothing to prepare for today even though I was ill, and still am ill today (I took the day off work as I have no voice and feel rough). I just felt overwhelmed and tearful this morning coming downstairs to mess, muck, literally nothing had been done to get kids school stuff ready for today.

Like I said, I would just love one Sunday morning for him to get up and just announce he's going to take the kids out/do an activity with them, or even for him to him to just start preparing a meal at a mealtime. I have to think for everyone and it is seriously pissing me off.

I am starting to think that I would be better off on my own with the kids, as his lounging around and apathetic attitude just grinds me down.

[WickedWax]

What has been his response when you've talked to him about this?

[cranberrycheeseadict]

He doesn't get it and doesn't see what the problem is. He thinks that as long as he works then that's his contribution to the household done.

[Grumpyoldblonde]

You work too- but he thinks only his work counts?

[Duckdeamon]

Are you prepared to continue in the relationship if he continues behaving like this? If not, investigate your options! If you give him an ultimatum, mean it and be ready to follow through.

In the meantime I wouldn't be doing any laundry, cooking (unless you all eat together) or admin for him! At all.

[cranberrycheeseadict]

Pretty much, yes

I could put up with him doing nothing in the house if he was great with the kids and really hands on, but he seems to think I'm his live in housekeeper and nanny.

[WickedWax]

Then he is a selfish twat, doesn't care about you, diesntbwant to change and you are right, you'd be better off on your own with the kids. Time to put up or shut up.

[Iggi999]

He has been getting away with this for five years?

[Duckdeamon]

Wouldn't be my bar for what I'd live with, but fair enough. So if he continues to be an inattentive parent, in your eyes, do you want to split up?

[Believeitornot]

You have a job outside the home as does he!?

You also do work around the house as should he.

I think you need to lay down exactly how this is affecting you, how it makes you feel and think of him and tell him you're thinking of how you would be better without him

[cranberrycheeseadict]

Yes I think I'm leaning that way.

[Duckdeamon]

At present you ARE his housekeeper and nanny, and accept it!

[Jan45]

He's using you as a mother to look after his kids and a mother to look after him, hardly an equal loving partnership, your resentment will probably end up meaning you will split anyway, in time.

He doesn't think he needs to do anything at home = you will pick up and do everything, you are my slave, not my equal, I am better than you and too good for house work.

Tough decision to be made I reckon OP but imagine only having your own mess and the kids to deal with and not an overgrown teenager as well.

[AlisonWunderland]

He's right.
You ARE his live in cook, nanny and housekeeper.

Not surprising he thinks everything is fine, and dandy

[pinkyredrose]

He sounds revolting.

[AnyFucker]

I would not tolerate this

He needs to know that you will still get a good financial contribution from him if you split but that since you do it all anyway having one less manchild to pick up after would actually lessen your workload

[pinkyredrose]

Has he ever looked after his own children? Or is that your job?

[Jibberjabberjooo]

So he does paid work and therefore thinks he doesn't have to contribute in any other way. He has no respect for you. You do it all anyway so it wouldn't make any difference if he wasn't there, except you'd have one less person to run around after. Stop doing it. He is selfish and doesn't value you at all.

[HandyWoman]

I had a husband like this. He was miserable into the bargain.

Life is so much easier and happier without him.

[cranberrycheeseadict]

He has/does look after the DCs but does nothing else if he is with them other than sit and watch TV.

[cranberrycheeseadict]

My DH is miserable too, HandyWoman.

Always tired or moody or sulky. If we go out and do anything he ruins the day.

[sofiahelin]

I don't think anyone can decide how much you can put up with.
Same happened with exh, he's no better when he has the kids - he just watches to with them but if doesn't bother me anymore it's not my problem yipppppppeeeeeeeeeeee my life is massively simpler & happier without him. I think part of that must be the emotional anger & grind of looking after a very selfish adult because obviously I still cook dinner for me & the kids & do everything else. I just don't resent it anymore

[Jan45]

Tired, doing what, he's probably tired cos he is bored but he'd rather be like that than pick up the slack and act like a normal functioning adult.

OP, what's the point of him, no offence.

[sofiahelin]

(Because it's not for him - he doesn't live here anymore)
Sorry if that doesn't make sense, drunk on the happiness of being free of him

[pinkyredrose]

So he doesn't look after the DC he's just in the same room as them. Does he get them ready in the morning, sort their clothes, breakfast etc, make sure their teeth are cleaned etc? What would happen if you weren't there?

This isn't a marraige is it OP?

[AnyFucker]

Congratulations Sofia