Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Abusive husband won't leave

(37 Posts)
teddyboo Mon 11-Jan-16 14:13:11

My husband is abusive to me and my kids and me in front of the kids I have been keeping a list of all the things that have happened over a while now.
We have four children quite young so I am worried about the effect it has on them, my boy aged 7 does misbehave a lot at home but is apparently an angel at school!! My oldest daughter just turned 10 has a "distant relationship" with her farther I would say apparently she was insolent at the grand old age of 2! He shows little or no affection to her and if I say to him something like "give her a hug (because it's her birthday) he will take massive offence and say to me you are not my mother! Whatever that is supposed to mean?? He has little time for me no affection for me, he has his own business and I have mine although jam not allowed to have full charge in case I don't do things properly or spend all the money! I would say he is neglectfull with the kids too - last month when we went to centre parcs he took my 2 and 3 year old swimming (and if any of you know centre parcs it has a massive swimming area with different areas pools slide etc...) whilst I took the older ones to a pottery class then later joined him when I walked in he was some distance from me and I saw him walking off without my little ones so I shouted him but of course because of the pool noise he couldn't hear, he had LEFT them in the pool to go to the toilet!!!!!!! I was furious about this but he just said I needed the toilet and told me to stop going on!!
He has left them in the lounge with fire on guard but not fitted whilst he has gone outside to do some cleaning that could of waited till I got home. The list goes on. He "F's and blinds and says the other day he couldn't give a shit - surely his life must be miserable but he won't go he has not been violent he has manhandled me once giving me a large bruise which I have no photo of. He has taken shopping money off me. I just wish he would go as it is making me feel very depressed and like I think it must be me doing something wrong. He won't go to relate apparently they don't know what they are talking About but I have been about my sons behaviour he didn't have time to go !! He buries his head won't talk.. I'm at a loss what to do any advice obviously there are lots more to say....

pocketsaviour Mon 11-Jan-16 14:16:20

What reason does he give for not wanting to go? He very obviously doesn't want to be a parent.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 11-Jan-16 14:21:58

He won't go quietly because he gets what he wants out of this; the opportunity to verbally and physically abuse you and in turn his children.

His behaviours at home are already having a deleterious effect on your children, particularly the two eldest. Is this really what you want to be teaching them about relationships?.

Relate is of no use or benefit whatsoever in these circumstances; no decent counsellor would ever see the two of you together anyway due to his ongoing abuse of you and your children. Joint counselling in these circumstances is a complete waste of time; he has actually done you a favour by saying (as many abusive men do) that he does not want to go.

I would talk to Womens Aid as a matter of urgency on 0808 2000 247 and seek legal advice re separation from this individual. Knowledge after all is power. You need to get away from this man before he completely destroys you all.

teddyboo Mon 11-Jan-16 14:23:30

He won't go he says there is no way I'm leaving this house it's a control thing and there is no way he will let me live here if he can't anyway where is he supposed to go ???!! He has money not that I know how much because apparently it's not my concern he hides his bank statements and accounts. I'm trapped if I go I couldn't afford to anyway but I loose my business as its in the back garden?? X

Fourormore Mon 11-Jan-16 14:24:31

Have you spoken to a solicitor about obtaining an occupation order?

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 11-Jan-16 14:25:19

It is of no real concern to you where he goes but you perhaps feel very responsible for him?.

Do seek legal advice re an occupation order and separation asap because proper legal advice is something you badly need now. You also cannot afford to see your children seeing this model of a marriage as their norm for them to potentially repeat as adults.

teddyboo Mon 11-Jan-16 14:25:33

Aren't womens aid just for violence.??

Fourormore Mon 11-Jan-16 14:28:36

No, all types of abuse.

teddyboo Mon 11-Jan-16 14:35:02

Well I spoke to someone in a solicitors office who said it would be a lengthy expensive process and short term they could write to him but no way would I want that he could blow his top x there has been many a time when something happens and I think right that's IT had enough but it takes a lot of confidence strength to do it.on holls in August the night before my bday I used his phone he was sat there he as he gave it to me and to my horror I found these "swinging sites" with pictures of a woman on there he denied it ( like my 2 year old would go on it) ! He'd been on it the night before in bed I was sleeping downstairs with my daughter on sofa bed as my husband only booked a 2 bedroom place. He manhandled me to get the phone off me etc... When I asked why he was doing it he said he was curious I mean for gods sake he is 51!!!

teddyboo Mon 11-Jan-16 14:37:55

I totally agree with you but he will twist everything so that it is my fault. No he is the one who says "where am I supposed to go " I don't really care it's his problem.

summerwinterton Mon 11-Jan-16 15:12:10

If you have bruises he is violent - and his abuse of you is much more than that anyway. Of course you should go to WA and you need a solicitor.

LittleLegs25 Mon 11-Jan-16 15:13:11

He sounds VILE! You need legal advice ASAP.

Jan45 Mon 11-Jan-16 17:51:59

No idea why you are staying, he's abusive and is doing god knows what online with other women, I wouldn't trust him an inch, he has no respect for your OP, it won't suddenly appear, this is as good as it gets.

Get yourself clued up financially and get planning, life is too short to waste on a soul sucking vile man like this.

Doesn't sound like there's anything nice there, you are effectively just co parenting, think how much nicer your life would be without this idiot ruining everything, go get advised; there's plenty options.

uhoh2016 Mon 11-Jan-16 18:03:31

I know it's a big upheaval for your children but can you not leave? If your accounts are joint you can go into the bank with ID and withdraw money. Open your own account get any tax credits or child benefit paid into the new account it's easy enough to change with them.

teddyboo Mon 11-Jan-16 22:28:29

You are so right I know and it helps a lot to hear these comments and know that it's wrong to behave as he is doing - if only the ground would open up and swallow him - would solve everything!!! X

LeaLeander Mon 11-Jan-16 22:33:03

This is horrible and what is happening is going to have a negative effect on your children for the rest of their lives. You MUST get them out of that environment no matter what. Do you have parents or siblings who could take you in?

What ages are you and your husband, and what ages are the children. Do you have skills for getting a job outside of the home?

Please call the resources other posters have suggested. This is just a horrific environment for your children. And whether you think it or not, he IS violent toward you. That's what "manhandling" is. Does he manhandle the kids too? He will.

teddyboo Mon 11-Jan-16 22:49:43

I would say definitely yes he frogmarched my son (7) to bed sometimes because he is naughty, he does smack which I don't like at all. He has smacked my boy (2) when he wouldn't keep still as he couldn't get his nappy on. He doesn't have a lot of patients and to be honest I have to think about him having access to them makes me sometimes think twice I just don't trust him - he tells me lots of little lies. He has no conscience even now he can go to bed and sleep like a baby, he is oblivious to what is going on. Xx

LeaLeander Mon 11-Jan-16 23:15:20

God, that is awful. You need to take advice here and involve the authorities. That is not normal parental behavior and very damaging. Do you have family who can help?

LeaLeander Mon 11-Jan-16 23:16:14

In fact smacking a toddler sounds criminal.

Mummyto4littlemonkeys Wed 29-Jun-16 23:06:49

Wow how time flies still no better here as I have mentioned to him about him being abusive he has not been so as I think he is scared of what I will do (keep threatening to do but not yet carried out)!! As mentioned I have my own business (he has his) but not allowed full control (because ultimately he wants control) today I was out with school trip all day so reluctantly he had the 2 little ones at home - how I dread leaving them with him anyway when I got back I asked if he had taken any bookings his reply "no" however just found a little note with dates so checked diary booking sheet etc.. Anyway he had taken a booking which he still tried to deny but I checked phone and he still tried to lie saying it was yesterday but in actual fact it was today -,which makes our business more than overbooked - his response was oh well we will get cancellations (already 3 over for some of the time) I just don't want to work like this I don't think I'm being unreasonable.
We just don't sing off the same hymn sheet about a lot really, he shows no affection for me whatsoever probably due to going onto porn /swingers sites - so I think that is partly due to lack of sex and to be honest I can't imagine ever doing it with him again - has told me he will fight me for the last brick (obviously very materialistic although says not) Would rather clean microwave than play with kids or watch telly. I just wish he would go I'm sure I'd be happier and kids too. Should of done it when I'd literally just given birth not even stitched and he was calling me names etc.. I wish I'd told him to fxxk off then. Just needed a rant as so lonely appear to be happy and everything great on outside but a different story inside I have no confidence, very self conscious, the list goes on...

tipsytrifle Wed 29-Jun-16 23:44:26

You really would be better out of this. I appreciate the difficulties with your business and don't know the t's and c's of its location. If it's dependant on a loan for example. You totally need legal advice PLUS accountant advice.Sometimes there are advantages to winding up a business and re-starting it? I have no knowledge but others might in this respect? Is your business re-locatable? Is he re-locatable?

You need to be out of this and you know it. The thing is how to do it. You are in an abusive relationship.

M00nUnit Wed 29-Jun-16 23:56:01

So you didn't take any of the advice you were given six months ago? E.g. to call Women's Aid? This relationship sounds terrible for you and your kids (whom he's been violent to!) and you need to be out of it asap.

Oddsocksgalore Thu 30-Jun-16 02:25:56

M00n, be kind.

It can take many attempts to finally leave.

You sound miserable op but I think if you could be brave, you will not regret this.

Mummyto4littlemonkeys Thu 30-Jun-16 07:18:41

Yes I know things have just been plodding on he won't talk the next step for me is to have letter from solicitor sending to him with my intentions and advising him to vacate the property which he won't do even although he could afford to. I have to be ten steps ahead he will twist turn and lie as he has told me before he will deny stuff and turn it around on me. I have asked for a separation so we can think about what we both want but he won't do that because I might not have him back or change the locks which I know I can't do anyway as property jointly owned. Had also put stuff of as been a bit poorly not that husband cared even called my condition something else or whatever I've got he would refer to, hasn't even bothered to ask if I'm ok or tablets working etc ... Just doesn't care I don't think??? Read lots of posts here people going through similar and sometimes they are still living under same roof till divorce comes through - really?? How on earth can anyone do that it just wouldn't work here my husband would be such a nasty piece of work and would have no care for how he behaved in front of the children. It's like I can't see wood for the trees if that makes sense.

LadyStarkOfWinterfell Thu 30-Jun-16 07:24:41

Have you spoken to womens aid though?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now