Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

am I doing the right thing??

(27 Posts)
charleneralston26 Mon 11-Jan-16 12:05:50

well I wrote in here a week ago about my other half leaving me 32 weeks pregnant and with a 2 year old.
well basically I have been giving him out 2 year old for a few hours most days or letting him come up to the house to spend time with him.
last night he picked me up from work and he was wearing a smart shirt and a bottle of aftershave I thought I had been dealing okay with the breakup but this set me back to when we first met!
anyway came into the house and was upset and my dad was there to comfort me.
I have a scan on Wednesday for our little girl and my ex has asked if he can come to the scan and the birth still. I have said yes as at the end of the day it is his daughter it was me he didn't want not our children. I told my dad today that the ex would still be coming and he has now thrown a massive strop telling me I'm stupid he doesn't deserve to have the good times or look after his children.
am I doing the right thing letting him come with me?

Joysmum Mon 11-Jan-16 12:27:32

You do what's right for you. If his presence sets you back then say no. If it'll be useful now, or for the future, then you're doing the right thing. It must be hard for your dad to see you 'giving in' to the man who has hurt you so badly. I'd find that hard as a parent too.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 11-Jan-16 12:50:56

I have said yes as at the end of the day it is his daughter it was me he didn't want not our children
I don't know if you've done the right thing.
Don't do the right thing for an unborn child right now.
Your new DD won't remember any of it.
You do what is right for YOU at the moment.
Do YOU want him at the scan?
Do YOU want him at the birth?
What help will he be? What will he bring to the table during these times that will be helpful to YOU?
This is what you need to consider.
Don't consider him at all. You owe him absolutely NOTHING.
He's fucked off and left you while pregnant with HIS child.
He has no right to be at any of these things.
If it sets you back then he's of no use what-so-ever.
So don't have him there.
I'm sorry but I think your dad is brill and I totally agree with him.

BYOSnowman Mon 11-Jan-16 12:58:18

if you can't cope with him being there then he shouldn't be there - especially at the birth which is an extremely difficult experience at the best of times! The same goes for him coming to the house. You need to look after yourself

However, you are right that he should be involved so he could perhaps be at the hospital to see your daughter but not in the room with you iyswim. And you can give him a scan photo.

He has put you in a horrible position but at least you know what he is now - your future can only get better from here. You need to put yourself first here - just as he is putting himself first

category12 Mon 11-Jan-16 13:58:39

I wouldn't have him at the birth - you're supposed to have someone there to support you. Certainly keep him in the loop and have him called when you go into labour etc if you want, but have someone who is there to look after you. He can still be one of the first people to see the baby, but labour is a time to be focused on yourself and the baby, not stressed or upset or trying to please an ex.

pocketsaviour Mon 11-Jan-16 20:00:39

Hmm, your dad is entitled to his opinion but it doesn't sound like he expressed it very supportively confused

That said, it's early days and for me I wouldn't want him at the birth. I think when he decided he wanted out of the relationship, he lost his right to be there. Emotionally I wouldn't be able to handle having someone there who there had been a strong loving bond there that was so recently broken.

AgentProvocateur Mon 11-Jan-16 20:11:02

I wouldn't want someone there who has behaved like a total shit when I was giving birth. He's made it clear he's not interested in being with you - why are you vending over backwards to accommodate him?

AgentProvocateur Mon 11-Jan-16 20:11:26

bending obviously. blush

teddyboo Mon 11-Jan-16 23:00:58

I wouldn't want him there it'll be hard for you if he is there for the birth then pisses off after don't give him the privalidge !

charleneralston26 Tue 12-Jan-16 15:25:56

sorry everyone was my last night in work last night and today trying to sort out moving!! I have been trying to be civil with him when ever I see him I am at the stage of absolute hate and anger towards him!
the reason I was letting him come to the appointments and stuff is because I felt like I didn't want him to use it against me in the future if things where to get hard or anything like that.
I was going to see how I am on Wednesday after the scan to see if I could have him at the c-section or not.
this is the other thing after my section I am going to need his help a little and I don't want him throwing it in my face that I didn't let him into the birth so why should I help!

goddessofsmallthings Tue 12-Jan-16 15:42:56

If your df is on hand to make sure you don't have to do too much too soon, why will you "need his help a little" after the birth?

Ftr, whatever he may attempt to throw in your face or not as the case may be, nothing tops what he's done in walking out on you and his 2yo dc while you're 32weeks pg with his second child.

He's got an ow and he's nothing but dick led cad of the first water who should be treated accordingly. No wonder your df is seething!

BYOSnowman Tue 12-Jan-16 15:50:47

Remember that he is not helping you but being a parent to his children

He needs reminding that he may not want to be in a relationship with you anymore but that doesn't change his obligation to his kids

I'm sorry you are going through this - remember that you are the strong one here! You're not the one who can't cope with responsibility and being a decent human being!!

boodlekazam Tue 12-Jan-16 15:57:26

I really really feel for you. Please just do what feels right for you and nobody else. You are your main priority, you and your children.
If you need his support during the birth, have him there but don't have him there because you feel obliged to.
You owe him nothing xxxxx

charleneralston26 Tue 12-Jan-16 17:03:48

my dad is disabled and can't really help much after the birth and my mum will be starting cancer treatment around the time of my section so really do need his help trust me I wish I didn't!!!
he feels he doesn't need to help me when I come home and has already asked to take baby and son when I first come out of hospital! he can't as I am breastfeeding so where baby goes I have to go for the first while! he has also been asking to take one at a time which I have said no to! you either have both or none when I can express I won't have my 2 year old wondering why he is going with daddy when mummy stays with new baby it's not fair on him!
he doesn't think helping me with things like bathing them etc etc is him doing what he should be doing he thinks it is him helping me!

BYOSnowman Tue 12-Jan-16 17:18:50

Wow - he is a real piece of work putting all this on you given your mum is so ill. Sounds like he's going to be a Disney dad.

In 6 months you will be flying - he will probably be wondering what he's done with his life.

charleneralston26 Tue 12-Jan-16 22:52:31

okay another update from the ex!! so we have your scan tomorrow as I am measuring 6 weeks ahead of what I am. then after that I have to go to the clinic which is usually around 2-3 hour wait!
he has now said he wants to come to the scan but is there anyway he doesn't have to stay for the clinic meaning I would have to get a bus home!
I have basically told him he either comes to both or
is it normally to really hate someone after only a week and a half of breaking up?

BYOSnowman Tue 12-Jan-16 22:54:51

What an arse

I've not even met him and I hate his guts

CityMole Tue 12-Jan-16 23:01:53

I'd tell him to fuck right off, frankly. He wants to be able to cherry pick the glossy fun parts of fatherhood, leaving out the shite boring bits. Well, that's not how it works. You must do whatever feels right for you, but it sounds like he has the power to really wind you up (understandably) which cannot be good for your health or the baby's. I know it's not me, but if it was, I would just say that recent events have left you anxious and on edge, and for the sake of your blood pressure you'd like to handle this week's appointments alone. And then you can see how you feel about the section once you've had more time. What a disappointing man he has turned out to be. You will be right better off without him, sooner than you even realise, and by the time it hits him that he's been an idiot, you'll be so far ahead of him with your vastly enriched life.

inlectorecumbit Tue 12-Jan-16 23:02:40

Wouldn't put it past him to just dump you after the scan. Tell him to fuck the fuck off--and fuck off about being at the birth.
He will not be there to support you, which is what you need,

charleneralston26 Tue 12-Jan-16 23:10:06

I have literally bent over backwards for this man since he left me asking him to have his son. as when he left he said "if you need help call me or my mum" I will never need help with my children I would rather run about on no sleep or food if it meant they where happy and healthy and none the wiser of what's going on!! I also said he could be at the scans and appointments because he asked if he could still be involved and I felt like okay he's still wanting to be there for the kids and I should be greatful the kids still have their dads in their lives but this come on!! no doubt it was only so he could sit and text his "friend" without it being awkward!!
he is certainly not the man I fell in love with!

BYOSnowman Tue 12-Jan-16 23:17:09

You're right to get angry. And you are right to draw your lines in the sand. He doesn't get to make all the decisions here and the quicker he realises that the less aggro you will get.

springydaffs Tue 12-Jan-16 23:27:50

I know it's your decision but I feel upset for you that this piece of shit he will be there when you are at your most vulnerable. Please don't!

charleneralston26 Wed 13-Jan-16 19:26:26

well had my scan today and during it they told me they have found a cyst on the babies ovaries at that point I needed him to comfort me and tell me things would be okay (have in the back of my head what my mum is going thru) but he didn't/couldn't sad

hellsbellsmelons Wed 13-Jan-16 20:11:50

I'm sorry about that.
But it just shows you really don't need him anywhere near any other appointments or the c section.
I would give you a hug if I could.

BYOSnowman Wed 13-Jan-16 20:21:55

I'm sorry - are you with your parents now? Have the hospital been good at letting you know what will happen next?

This has shown you the man he is - please don't feel you owe him anything

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: