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Advice re ongoing relationship

(9 Posts)
Bertha1924 Mon 11-Jan-16 10:54:02

Early days in new relationship - six months in so far. We are in our 50s and both have children from previous relationships. His are much younger than mine (21 and 15) and although he supports them financially doesn't get to see them that much now.

I have two grown-ups. My DD is married with one child (soon to be two!). I go to see her every other weekend from Friday eve to Sunday afternoon. I get to spend quality time with my DGS and it gives my DD and son-in-law a chance to go out or have a lie-in (they both work full-time).

New chap has said that we would never live together as he wouldn't like to be on his own for two nights every other week and wouldn't fancy having to look after grandchildren at "our" place every other week either. I am definitely not going to change my plans as I have seen my daughter every other weekend for years now and it suits me well. Is it worth being with someone who you are never going to "settle" with at my age?

hellsbellsmelons Mon 11-Jan-16 11:08:22

I'd say probably not TBH.
But if you are enjoying each others company etc.. then I'd carry on for the time being.
But there is nothing long term about this is there?
Really depends on what YOU want from a relationship.

ravenmum Mon 11-Jan-16 11:21:05

Some people do stay together in the long term without actually living together. What would worry me is his reason for not living with you - basically because he doesn't want you doing your own thing sometimes and finds your family inconvenient.

Jan45 Mon 11-Jan-16 11:47:18

So your family are an inconvenience and he hardly sees his own kids - not looking great really.

pocketsaviour Mon 11-Jan-16 21:14:30

Is it worth being with someone who you are never going to "settle" with at my age?

That depends on what you want out of the relationship.

If you're happy just having a fairly casual arrangement, and there are no other conflicts, then I guess it's fine. However if you ultimately want to remarry and find someone to spend the rest of your life with, then I think you have to throw this fish back in the pond, because he's made it pretty clear that he's never going to commit to anything more than you've currently got.

Congrats on your impending new GC smile

Cel982 Mon 11-Jan-16 21:19:42

But surely if he stays living on his own, he'll still be alone for the two nights you spend with your daughter, plus lots of other nights as well? 🤔

Threefishys Tue 12-Jan-16 09:36:28

I can see his point and think he's being very honest. So I'd say if you're happy with casual then enjoy it for what it is but if you ultimately want someone to share your whole life with then move on, bearing in mind you are not willing to compromise your schedule for that person so they would have to be prepared to accept things how you want them.

DrMorbius Tue 12-Jan-16 10:26:08

As you say Op early days as yet and things change over time.

I am 50 and the thought of every other weekend, either being alone (at your house) or having to look after babies would be a dire thought for me. However I am also sure when my DC's have DC's, my thoughts will be totally the opposite.

You do not say where you would live (his or yours) if you lived at his, the situation would be little different than it is now ( re: him being alone) but at least he would be at "home".

Kids grow quickly, a baby, soon becomes a child, does he have the same aversion to young children?

If everything else is good I would let things run and see how he changes over time (in attitude towards the DGC's). What's another 6 months if everything else is good. I am not a big believer in trying to predict the future. Plan for the best, prepare for the worst grin

category12 Tue 12-Jan-16 11:49:01

If you're happy with the way things are, then stick with it. Personally, I think just having a boyfriend you see regularly for the fun stuff is great. That's where I am presently and no desire to escalate things.

But if the sock-washing (and company) are what you want, he's made his position clear - and you like your current way of life - so it's not a goer with him. Nobody is wrong, you just don't want the same things.

So decide whether both of you are happy keeping it as is, (there is no real need to go up the "relationship escalator") or whether it's better to look elsewhere if living with someone is the dream.

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