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Tried to talk to my husband about how I'm unhappy but he doesn't understand

(23 Posts)
davidbowieisdead Mon 11-Jan-16 10:21:10

I've been unhappy for quite a while now in our relationship. I think I do about 80% of all house related things. We have a 1 year old and I feel like DH is very disney dad atm. Obviously he loves DS but doesn't care about where he goes to pre-school or what he eats or how much tv he watches. I work 25 hours a week, he works 35.

I don't feel like I've had any time to recharge over christmas and I just couldn't face getting out of bed yesterday so left DH to it. He just stayed in the house all day watching TV with ds. DH said we should talk about why I was upset so I told him that it's overwhelming being responsible for the majority of things and also I'm not able to have a social life as I always have to be available for DS. DH works shifts so I can't rely on him being in the house at any time before 9pm. So I can't sign up to any clubs or classes as I could potentially miss them all.

I don't feel like he took it in at all. He just said that if I wanted to do something like a class then he could arrange with his manager to not work at that time. However we agreed that he would be home by 6 every wednesday before christmas so it hasn't happened. And I could probably cope with not going out if he helped out more in general.

I've taken this morning off as I wanted to try and clear my head. I'm torn now between packing up and going to live at my mothers as an attempt to get through to him or emailing him in work and telling him that I want marriage counselling.

I don't want to split up because I think it's fixable but I don't think he understands the severity of my feelings.

Any advice or thoughts?

hellsbellsmelons Mon 11-Jan-16 10:27:32

If you can then pack up and go to your mums for a couple of days.
It will help to clear your head so you can focus on what you want and need from this relationship.
You can also get some love and support from your family which is sounds like you need right now.
You also sound you could be depressed so please go to your GP and explain how you feel.
Not wanting to get up is a classic sign so go and get everything checked out.
Going to your mums for some love and support might also give your DH the kick up the arse he clearly needs.

Threefishys Mon 11-Jan-16 10:40:51

At the risk of sounding defeatist. Welcome to parenthood and more specifically motherhood. Rightly or wrongly you will always be that little bit more responsible for your children as their mum and even when they're not in your care you will still feel responsible and be considered responsible for their welfare and happiness AT ALL TIMES. it was forever so. It's wrong but it's fact. Its not your husband specifically perpertrating it against you. It's a mix of your instincts/societal norms. Naff isn't it?

davidbowieisdead Mon 11-Jan-16 10:48:27

I know he's not doing it on purpose, as such. That's the problem. That's what I'm fighting against. He might change a nappy, load the dishwasher every now and again, sometimes take the bins out without being reminded and he thinks he's amazing. I know society has set the bar very low for men. I think that's why when I talk to him he doesn't think that he needs to change. I know lots of women put up with this and much worse. And I know if I go to my mum's she won't understand because my dad never really helped with me and my siblings. So how do I get him to understand that it's not working for me and we need to look at ways to change and make it work?

I don't think I am depressed. I feel positive about all other issues other than this one. If DH wasn't around to look after DS then of course I would have got up and got on with it. I think the problem is the only time he will step up and look after DS is when I'm not physically present.

dadneedshelp72 Mon 11-Jan-16 10:58:10

As someone who is currently seperated and hating it.
I would advise you NOT to move out, BUT
sit him down and explain how unhappy you are and that - moving out is the next step if you two cant resolve things

Twinklestein Mon 11-Jan-16 11:39:49

OP has already explained and DH didn't understand/listen.

You will get wet women on here telling you that women just have put up and shut up because it's women's role, but it's bollocks.

Your husband is being crap and I think you're right that the only thing that will make him take notice is going to live at your mum's for a bit. The fact that she won't get it is irrelevant as she's from a generation who still saw themselves as slaves.

While you're there you can write up a plan dividing chores and childcare equally so DH has his list of responsibilities and he's not simply 'helping' you when he fancies.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 11-Jan-16 11:48:22

Just go to your mums for a bit of a break and take it from there.
I'm NOT saying move out.
Just get some distance to get your head around all of this.

Jan45 Mon 11-Jan-16 11:50:35

So you do 80% and he does 20 - he either joins in being an equal partnership or you would be better splitting - you do most of the work anyway so what use is he, is he blind, he must see you run ragged, I hate men like this, lazy, inconsiderate and selfish, if he realises this and makes changes good but I'd not hold my breath.

davidbowieisdead Mon 11-Jan-16 12:22:45

Couldn't face packing up today so I'm having lunch before heading into work.

One of the main things stopping me at the moment is people knowing that I've moved out. I'm a very private person and if we can make things work then I don't want to have our relationship under the microscope from family and friends.

I'm lucky that going to my mum's will always be an option though. Or I could go to a hotel or whatever.

I think I'm going to email him. Talking to him face to face obviously went badly. And then we can use that as a starting point to talk later. See if he'd want to try counselling.

davidbowieisdead Mon 11-Jan-16 12:24:49

I'm now getting adverts for hotels on the banner. I know mumsnet is keen to say ltb but really? grin

NewLife4Me Mon 11-Jan-16 12:32:33

I think it's better to find a babysitter if you want to do something regular.
It's not your dh fault that he has to work and that work would make him unreliable for a commitment.
My dh was like this for a long time, it can't be helped.

However, the Disney Dad stuff isn't on at all, he needs to learn what your child needs in terms of education, discipline and play.
He should be doing more around the home in domestic terms, but if you are a sahm then you should do the lions share. Everyone needs down time or a break though and he needs to step up a bit by the sounds of things.

I would be more inclined to go away for weekend with friends and leave him to it.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 11-Jan-16 12:32:55

Well then go to the hotel.
At the weekend, on your own and leave everything to your DH.
The hotels are obviously 'calling you' so go... go... go!
grin

12purpleapples Mon 11-Jan-16 12:36:14

He needs to start taking you seriously if you have any hope of saving this. Maybe you going away for a couple of days or booking in counselling would help him see how serious you are?

WickedWax Mon 11-Jan-16 12:42:20

When you had your talk, and you pointed out that we agreed that he would be home by 6 every wednesday before christmas...it hasn't happened what was his response?

If he's in work 'till 9pm,what time is he getting up in the morning and what time does he start work?

He might change a nappy, load the dishwasher every now and again, sometimes take the bins out without being reminded and he thinks he's amazing - that's not a good sign, it indicates that he believes that doing these things is above and beyond what he should be doing.

hopeisfadingfast Mon 11-Jan-16 12:44:43

I suggest you read wifework OP then get your DH to read it. It's a very angry book but it does hammer it home time and time again how unequal the vast majority of hetero relationships are and how most men are almost completely oblivious to this dynamic while most women are drowning in their frustration and desperation. It explains concepts like "emotional labour" which is the business of managing relationships etc; women do almost all of this for their children and for their husbands and don't have anyone doing any for them. I'm not actually married (I'm single partly because I can't find a relationship where things are even equal at the light hearted dating stage) but I've become quite evangelical about this book. It will give you some new vocabulary and a new way to look at some issues (assuming you haven't already read it).

davidbowieisdead Mon 11-Jan-16 12:50:14

Can't go this weekend, he's working. There is a spa hotel nearby that I've been meaning to try though so I'll look into that now.

I'm not a sahm. I work 25 hours a week. He works 35, as per my op.

IamlovedbyG Mon 11-Jan-16 13:41:49

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IamlovedbyG Mon 11-Jan-16 13:43:28

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hellsbellsmelons Mon 11-Jan-16 13:53:05

Good Lord, how people can suggest you may be depressed based on your thread I'll never know
I think you'll find in my post I explain exactly why!
But OP has since said that was a one off.
Generally people who don't want to get out of bed and face the world are on their way to depression.
Surely better to mention it and it be discarded that it go unnoticed?

Ruddygreattiger2016 Mon 11-Jan-16 14:21:08

Op, when you talked to your dh he DID understand but hes got it cushy hasn't he so will not admit there is an unfair balance. He just wants you to quietly get back in your box and and continue doing 80% of housework, the vast majority of childcare plus also bringing in a wage.
There is another ongoing thread at the moment named 'incompetant husband' and I would suggest you read it. There are a lot of wives on there including me who have had years of living with men like this. They do not change I am afraid as they are just plain lazy and will come up with any excuse to avoid helping out with their own family.

davidbowieisdead Mon 11-Jan-16 14:49:44

I see wifework recommended on the feminist forums at lot. Always been too scared to read it as I think it'll make me even more annoyed about the situation. I probably should read it though.

I emailed DH, he is going to be home at 6 on a wednesday from now on so I can have that evening free. I'm going to the cinema this week.

He has emailed relate to organise a session.

In work atm but will come back later. Oh and pp who said he's doing more than 20%, I assume you mean paid work? I do 40% of the paid work and 80% of everything else so still not equal? I would happily work full time if there was more of an equal spilt elsewhere.

davidbowieisdead Mon 11-Jan-16 19:17:59

I have read the incompetent husband thread. Reading it just filled me with dread at the thought of doing another 20-30 years of this. I know he wants another baby too but there is no way I am doing that without a massive change.

It's a huge weight off my mind having finally got through to him and we're going to attend a session with a relationship counsellor in 2 weeks.

I understand why hellsbells mentioned depression. I think it would be a warning sign but I don't think it's applicable to my situation. Things have obviously just come to a head this weekend.

jeblee Mon 11-Jan-16 23:04:56

I went through this exact same thing, nothing got through to him how miserable I was so I wrote a letter and then went to stay with family. He made an effort for a while, we had another baby and then it just slipped back. There is the odd defeat along the way, he definitely does more around the house than a few years ago but it's far from a 50/50 relationship and I'm not sure it ever will be. I'm sorry I have no advice just letting you know I'm in a similar depressing pit of despair!

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