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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Any advice appreciated

(48 Posts)
Penguin2016 Mon 11-Jan-16 06:57:10

Hi, not sure why I am posting, but here goes...
Huge problems in my relationship. We broke up over christmas due to drunken arguing. We reconciled last week, and had a great few days. However, on Saturday evening, I was accused of flirting with someone else (I wasn't). Cue him pinching my leg so hard my eyes watered, then him putting his hands around my throat and shoving me.
He got shoved back by a friend of a friend who I was accused of flirting with... I then went home as I was extremely upset.
Since then, I have had abusive texts etc. This is not the first time he has been violent (I know, I know). But I know that I am innocent in all this as I did nothing wrong. And now he is completely ignoring me, sending me vile messages, etc.
I just know that I love him, and I don't understand how he can be so cruel. Why would you do this to someone you 'love'? Sorry, rambling here, not really sure what I am trying to achieve, it's just quite nice to be able to vent about it.
I am pretty sure he has bi polar or something, as he overreacts constantly over nothing, and is jealous and paranoid all the time.
I have had no sleep because I have been worrying and stressed over this (obviously we don't live together), and I have to go to work in an hour... Feeling empty and gutted, and not sure where to turn.

category12 Mon 11-Jan-16 07:08:07

I'm sorry you're feeling dreadful. But please take this opportunity to get out and stay out of the relationship. This is no way to live, no way to be happy.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 11-Jan-16 07:09:54

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What needs of yours is he still meeting here?.

If someone else was writing this what would your response be?.

Is your "love" for him not that at all but really based on an unhealthy co-dependency?. You cannot rescue and or save him from his own self. Such men like this person also hate women, all of them starting with their mother. Why are you still persisting with this man?. That is also what you need to ask yourself here.

Where is your own tipping point?. Has this now finally been reached?. You and he need to be apart now; you have been and are being hurt physically and mentally by him. He could well end up putting you in hospital and what then for you?. He's already pinched you, put his hands around your throat and shoved you. Its chilling.

Have no compunction either in reporting his violence and vile text messages to the police. You are probably very afraid of him but no man is above the law here.

Would you now consider talking to Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247?. They can also help you here. Also enrolling on their Freedom Programme would be an excellent idea as well. Such men like he take an awful long time, years even, to recover from. Your own recovery from this will only start when you are away from - and stay away from him.

DrMorbius Mon 11-Jan-16 07:12:03

You have done nothing wrong other than fall for a violent bully. Others will be along with better advice.

For now text him and tell him it's over and not to contact you again. Then delete his number, block etc. You need to protect yourself. You cannot change this guy. So don't even try, you will fail.

pocketsaviour Mon 11-Jan-16 07:13:26

I just know that I love him, and I don't understand how he can be so cruel. Why would you do this to someone you 'love'?

Sadly he does not love you, OP. He wants to own you, and he likes to hurt you.

Reading Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That? would probably help you here. I would also recommend having a look at doing the Freedom Programme - if possible in a local group but you can do it online if there aren't any groups near you.

Is there any reason now for him to contact you? I see you don't live together but is there anything essential that you have left at his place that you would need to recover? If not I would suggest now blocking him on social media, and blocking his mobile number.

This man is not a good man, and you cannot fix him. I doubt he has bi-polar, it's more likely he's "just" an abuser. Do please have a read of that book. It's available on Kindle which you can read on any smartphone. If you can't afford a copy you can send me a message and I'd be happy to help out.

12purpleapples Mon 11-Jan-16 07:13:55

Sorry you have had to go through this flowers
Have you broken up with him again now?

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Mon 11-Jan-16 07:13:57

Stay the fuck away from him. You may love him but he will destroy you. Love will die over time and you will move on - cut contact. Do you have children?

Penguin2016 Mon 11-Jan-16 07:35:04

Thank you for your advice. No we don't have children (thank goodness). I am just feeling down about the whole thing. He has had form for violence in the past as u said, including him slapping me when I tried to wake him up after he was snoring so loudly I couldn't sleep. And other stuff but it would totally out me if anyone I knew was reading this. I am not a complete imbecile, this is why I am so worried that I have overly invested in this relationship. Not got much going for me at the moment, apart from him and my job. Just feeling sorry for myself... Not sure what women's aid would be able to do, we aren't together, we don't live together, etc. But as I said, I can't believe that he was willing to do that to me in public and in front of my friends...

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Mon 11-Jan-16 07:38:51

Women's aid could signpost you to support for you, or just talk through the relationship and help you figure things out.
Of course you feel sad and confused, the end of a relationship will do that. But you must end it and stay away from him. He's dangerous.

Penguin2016 Mon 11-Jan-16 07:42:43

Nope, no reason to be in contact. Other than that he owes me money, but he has made it pretty clear that I am not getting that back. I just feel sad about the whole thing. I don't know why I deserve to be treated like this...

category12 Mon 11-Jan-16 07:48:30

And if he's willing to attack you like that publicly, he's capable of far worse privately. Don't downplay him putting his hands round your throat - that's potential death right there. 2 women a week die due to domestic violence.

Now's the time to throw yourself into friends, family, hobbies, trying to do something good for yourself, build yourself up - and not losing yourself in an abusive relationship.

category12 Mon 11-Jan-16 07:49:20

You don't deserve to be treated like it. The problem lies with him, not you.

Penguin2016 Mon 11-Jan-16 07:49:49

Guess I just need reassurance from other people that I am not going mad. He has blamed me for everything and told me I am the crazy one, and that I am 'fantasising'. Well my fantasies do not include being treated like shit and physically abused. My friend was utterly shocked that he would do that to me in public. I am just fed up.

pocketsaviour Mon 11-Jan-16 09:25:58

Guess I just need reassurance from other people that I am not going mad. He has blamed me for everything and told me I am the crazy one, and that I am 'fantasising'.

That's a very common tactic with abusive men. Please do have a read of that book I posted earlier. Your friend is totally right to be shocked. S/he is spot on.

And no you don't deserve to be treated like this - nobody does. There's no excuse for his behaviour, none at all. You could be dancing naked on the table top and twerking at other men, it still wouldn't be an excuse for violence. Maybe have a think about why you feel you needed to accept this behaviour from him?

sije Mon 11-Jan-16 09:36:38

Hands round your throat means you are in serious danger, if he did that when you are alone you could die in minutes with no one to stop him.

This is not the same as bruises and broken bones that can mend.

He is a very dangerous man. Please keep yourself safe.

Morasssassafras Mon 11-Jan-16 10:22:47

What sije said. This man is dangerous. Please call women's aid and speak to them about what has happened and about the content of the texts. They can assess how much danger you are in and what you need to do to keep safe.

2 women a week die at the hands of partners or ex partners and you are most at danger in the 2 weeks after breaking up. I'm sorry if that scares you but as this man has already had his hands around your throat in front of people I think that you need to take the potential threat to your life very seriously.

Call women's aid please.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 11-Jan-16 10:23:11

So block him - I don't see why he is able to abuse you via text if you block him.
Keep the abusive texts you have and report him to the police for harassment.
* am not a complete imbecile*
I'm sure you aren't but you are behaving like one to put up with this and declare you are still 'in love' with him.
That's not love. It's really not.
Keep him away. Block and report.
As a PP says - Womens Aid and do their Freedom Programme as a matter of urgency.
Get to your GP and get referral for counselling.
Nothing in your post suggests that you don't need this and fast.

Penguin2016 Mon 11-Jan-16 11:24:08

I know. And I can see it myself. It's just very difficult to walk away from this as when things are good they are great. If it was anyone else I would be giving exactly the same advice as you here. I have been up most of the night, distraught. And ironically, he has blocked me from social media, when I didn't even do anything wrong!!!! Guess that is a good thing in the long run... Should have made a break for it after the first time. Maybe I am an imbecile...

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 11-Jan-16 11:30:49

Projecting his own behaviours onto you is a common tactic of abusive men.

You are not an imbecile but this relationship is now well and truly dead. I would also argue it was not a healthy relationship from the get go either.

If you were to look at this as well in more detail you would probably find that the so called good times were purely on his terms and have become far less frequent as well. Abusive men can do nice and nasty very well but it is a continuous cycle.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?.

My guess is that your love for him is actually based on an unhealthy co-dependency. This person targeted you OP and exploited you for his own ends.

Penguin2016 Mon 11-Jan-16 11:40:22

To be fair my parents didn't have the best relationship. And I have found myself on the same slippery slope. My last LTR ended up in tears and arguments. I thought this one was different. It was all good at the beginning but then, little things started to go wrong, we would argue and he would split up with me... We reconciled last week after a nasty falling out over Christmas and New Years, and I thought things were ok again. But then that happened over the weekend. I just don't understand why? There is no way I was flirting with anyone else, I wouldn't want to, and I know how jealous he gets, so I am careful to avoid any of that. We had had a lovely day. Most of our arguments occur after drinking... To the extent that I said I was going to do dry January and he agreed. But obviously that didn't happen... I just feel totally lost and conflicted. And sad.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 11-Jan-16 11:49:32

TBH I am not altogether surprised that your parents themselves did not have the best of relationships; look at what they taught you about relationships. We after all learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents.

I would suggest you forgo dating and relationships for now whilst you unpick and unlearn all the crappy relationship lessons you learnt along the way. Counselling, talking to Womens Aid and their Freedom Programme would go a long way to helping you now.

Love your own self for a change.

Joysmum Mon 11-Jan-16 11:54:21

But I know that I am innocent in all this as I did nothing wrong

That statement bothered me.

What 'guilty' behaviour would justify him being violent towards you?

Penguin2016 Mon 11-Jan-16 11:55:14

If you don't mind me asking, what do women's aid actually do? I have had a look at their website, and it seems to be for victims of domestic violence. Considering all contact has been cut, would I just be wasting their time?

Penguin2016 Mon 11-Jan-16 11:57:03

You are right, joys mum, there is no justification for it... It's unfathomable that anyone would do that to another person, let alone someone they declare to love. Obviously that was a load of crap, and he just wanted me for whatever reason. Money? Sex? I don't know. But it is not a very nice place to be right now...

SirBoobAlot Mon 11-Jan-16 11:59:36

No you wouldn't be wasting their time - they can help support you in changing your mental health, gearing it towards healthy and supportive relationships.

This man is an awful human being, and you deserve better.

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