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I have never kissed someone when sober

(13 Posts)
Mamacitaaa Sun 10-Jan-16 15:30:45

I'm early 20s, not yet had a relationship. I've met guys out in clubs etc and had drunken snogs, and had semi ONS experiences etc (but not full sex) and suddenly it just struck me that I've never had a proper kiss when sober! Always had to be fairly drunk first, even with people I like.

I think it's partly nerves/anxiety and partly me only really fancying, fancying someone once in a blue moon/once I'd got to know them better - I very rarely want to kiss someone when stone-cold sober.

This is becoming a problem as I've just started seeing someone. A few drinks in on our first date, I decided I want to kiss him, and did it. But on our second meeting (stone cold sober!!), I really didn't want to. Why is this? What's wrong with me??

pocketsaviour Sun 10-Jan-16 15:35:06

Maybe you don't like kissing. I don't, I think it's unhygienic. I'd rather just get straight to foreplay.

Do you feel sexual attraction to other people? Or romantic attraction?

Mamacitaaa Sun 10-Jan-16 15:39:01

Yeah I do feel sexual and romantic attraction towards people. But not that often, maybe once every few months? I hate it a bit because I get these debilitating crushes which just take over everything! And often the men I have these crushes on are unavailable to me for some reason so nothing can happen. With them, I just fancy them utterly, sober or not!

But then there are others, who I like, but only really fancy after a drink or two? I don't know if that's a terrible sign. I really like this guy I'm seeing. But just not in a tear your clothes off, want to kiss now kind of way. It's still only been 2 meetups but on the second I wasn't keen on (sober) physical contact, I felt a bit turned off actually blush Is that an awful sign?

Mamacitaaa Sun 10-Jan-16 15:39:27

I think i do like kissing though which makes it weird!

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 10-Jan-16 15:49:08

"I'm early 20s, not yet had a relationship. I've met guys out in clubs etc and had drunken snogs, and had semi ONS experiences etc (but not full sex) and suddenly it just struck me that I've never had a proper kiss when sober! Always had to be fairly drunk first, even with people I like"

Do you think that you are less "interesting" to others when sober?.

Also pubs and clubs are generally not the sort of places you are going to find someone to have a longer term relationship with.

Are you using alcohol as a crutch or as an aid for your anxiety?.

There is nothing wrong with you not having a relationship in your early 20s. Its not the be all and end all of existence.

Love your own self for a change and reassess your whole approach when it comes to dating.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?.

I would suggest you read the website entitled Baggage Reclaim and work out for yourself why you have to be slightly drunk in the first place in order to kiss a man. You do not have to kiss them.

Mamacitaaa Sun 10-Jan-16 15:56:43

Totally agree Attila, thank you!

I think I am using alcohol as a crutch, definitely, mainly because I don't feel very attractive so I forget about these feelings the more I have to drink?! Also it makes me feel less self-conscious

The problem is though that I have started dating seriously now and actually met someone I can sort of imagine a future with (obviously it's seriously early days but he is a great guy) and I find it sad I don't want to kiss him/am not that attracted to him without alcohol

Is this very abnormal? sad

Mamacitaaa Sun 10-Jan-16 15:59:08

He has said a couple of times that he thinks I look pretty, looked beautiful etc (--which is what guys have to say on dates!--) and I just can't take him seriously. He hasn't had a serious relationship yet either and my insecurities are telling me he's only saying these things because I'll "do" iykwim - like anyone is better than no one, it doesn't matter what I look like or who I am, I'm a generic girl and that's why he likes me sad

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 10-Jan-16 16:11:32

I would seriously now consider seeking counselling for your own self re your anxiety and drinking to overcome these anxieties and insecurities. Its all come from somewhere and this needs to be addressed properly and now by you.

Many people drink alcohol and for all sorts of reasons; some do use it as an emotional crutch or to escape painful memories. Have you also found that people have started to ask you questions about your drinking, have you noticed that you are now drinking more and quicker than when you first started?.

If you are not really attracted to this man without the influence of alcohol the kindest thing here would be for you and he to now part ways. Work on rebuilding you instead, this is why I also say love your own self for a change. How can you love another when you do not really love your own self?.

Drinking is not taking your inherent anxieties away; its simply adding to them and you have put yourself in situations with men that further eat away at your already low self worth.

Mamacitaaa Sun 10-Jan-16 16:19:34

But I think I do like him... It's just the "instant attraction" bit that's lacking? I don't know how I feel sad There is definitely an attraction there

Mamacitaaa Sun 10-Jan-16 16:21:13

I am having counselling/therapy at the moment and to be honest it leaves a lot to be desired. I feel like the counsellor only goes into a surface analysis of things and doesn't try to explore deeper. He puts all of my anxieties onto the fear of not yet having had a relationship, rather than examining why I feel so unattractive.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 10-Jan-16 16:24:34

Counsellors are like shoes; you need to find someone that fits. The first counsellor you see may not therefore be the right person for you to talk to. You need therefore to find the right person to work with; BACP are good and do not charge the earth.

Why is it that you feel so unattractive; were you brought up to make yourself feel so at say the hands of parents who were overtly critical?.

Mamacitaaa Sun 10-Jan-16 16:35:16

No, my parents were complimentary about my looks. I think it literally just comes down to the fact I'm not very physically attractive. If I wear nice makeup (which I akways do) and dress well, I can get by. I have fairly nice hair which adds to the illusion. But 90% of girls in the street are physically prettier than me: that's not an exaggeration, it's the truth. And it just really affects my self-confidence and makes me question what the point is...

Of course relationships are about so much more than physical attraction, but that is the key element at the beginning, that draws people together. And I can't help but feel that anyone nice looking who think I'm attractive is either (a) desperate, (b) stupid or both. And that as soon as they see what I "really" look like, minus all the makeup, they'll leave me!

I think it's a defence mechanism on my part really. Not wanting to get too close to someone for fear of rejection. I've had a couple of persistent "admirers" I guess you could call them over the years, and while they are decent, nice guys, neither of them have had/are in serious relationships, and they are quite needy. This just contributes to my belief that I am only "good enough" for needy men who can't get a girlfriend otherwise (I'm nice and kind and alright company).

I do like this new guy in many ways and must have fancied him to some extent as I wanted to kiss him! But, and this sounds awful, the fact that he is also inexperienced makes me think he likes me for the wrong reasons, and reinforces the idea that actually I'm disgusting and unlovable.

Mamacitaaa Sun 10-Jan-16 18:25:07

Bumping smile

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