Hi, new member seeking advice as I don't feel this is something I can discuss with anyone I know.
I'm 41 and a single mum to a 9 year old. I've been completely single since he was 8 months old. I left his father after I found out he'd stolen my savings to spend on his numerous nights out, and because he'd cheated. I don't think I ever properly loved him, so I wasn't devastated that it ended or even that he'd cheated but I was destroyed when I found out he'd stolen from me.
I've never had a proper, loving relationship. All my partners bar one have cheated, and one used to hit me and steal from me. I've been lied to, disregarded, rejected, demoralised and hurt more times than I care to remember. I'm not a bad person, I'm can be caring, funny, generous to a fault and very forgiving. I can also be quite acerbic and grumpy at times, but no more than most people. Im not perfect by any means, but I definitely don't think I'm so terrible that I deserve the treatment I've had from men. This has led to a fear of finding a new relationship. I don't believe I will ever find a nice, kind man who will love me and not abuse me either mentally or physically.
I was also bullied at school, which has definitely formed my personality into what it is today. The girls who turned on me were led by a girl who made a habit of manipulating the group to turn against various members. I wasn't the first to receive their treatment, and I wasn't the last, but it's had a lasting impact as I'm now scared to make friends as I assume that I won't be liked. Even the school playground I feel my childhood fears creep in, and I say good morning to some people but I don't feel that I'm part of their "gang". I am finding that I keep to myself more and more, and I can count my friends on one hand. I rely heavily on my family as I know I can trust them 100% but they've got their own lives to lead and don't always want me tagging along.
In a nutshell, I want to know if anyone else has ever felt like this and how they got themselves out of this rut of self doubt and fear of relationships, both platonic and intimate?
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Relationships
Scared of being rejected so I push people away...
11 replies
Natalieann74 · 10/01/2016 11:52
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