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Dividing up workload with a baby

(31 Posts)
Elaheh Sun 10-Jan-16 10:24:07

Would like some opinions and advice with this situation...

My DH works full-time (demanding office job) I'm on mat leave. Our baby is 4months, still cries a lot and is only really happy when being held or in sling. So I have my hands full most of day.
DH is great with baby and helps a lot... but he likes to sleep in! Weekends he stays up until around 4am then sleeps in until noon. He doesn't see a problem with this, says he needs time to himself at night to relax, play PC games, watch films etc. My issue is I'm then on duty until around 1pm or later after yet another broken night (he needs an hour or so to wake up, have breakfast etc).
When baby was sleeping well this wasn't so bad but now we've hit sleep regression sad Baby sleeps around 11pm, often wakes at 2am, 5am and is up for day at 7am! So I'm shattered! I feel like my brain is full of fog and am resentful DH is still asleep when he CHOSE to stay up all night. I would love to have a lie-in occasionally but when I suggested he get up at 7am with baby sometimes (expressed milk in freezer) he thought I was joking hmm
He said he needs time to himself in order to cope and is very protective of 'his' time. Apparently it's normal for mothers not to get much personal time the first year.

Actually I'm worried he's not coping well and maybe does 'need' this time. He seems sad and is drinking more, stopped exercising, is excessively worried about me and baby. He says if I were happier he would be too but I feel I'm only just keeping my head above water. Toying with idea of Sertraline (?PND) but worried I'll feel even more tired and fuzzy.

I feel I'm not being a good wife at the moment, house is always a mess, back-log of laundry, rarely manage to cook as he's home late so no-one to watch baby. Baby will sit in bouncer for approx 5mins before crying. So he gets home to ready-meals (or half-cooked/burnt meals because I have to stop cooking to comfort baby)! I know I'm often snappy and grumpy and must be hard to live with, I'm just so tired trying to keep afloat.

Is this normal? My friends think it is. Any tips for coping?

kittybiscuits Sun 10-Jan-16 10:28:27

It's normal if you live with a dickhead. Your husband's behaviour is frankly ridiculous.

tribpot Sun 10-Jan-16 10:34:50

He says if I were happier he would be too

Wow, that's some high quality passive aggression. BE HAPPIER OR IT'S YOUR FAULT I'M NOT. Anyone would feel instantly happier in that scenario.

His behaviour is indeed ridiculous. I wonder if perhaps he has remembered that he has a child now? So his need to stay up all night drinking and watching movies is secondary to the needs of his family.

Somebody's told him Apparently it's normal for mothers not to get much personal time the first year. The truth is, it's normal for all parents not to get much personal time the first year. He needs to suck it up and do his share. At minimum, why on earth isn't he doing the night feeds if he's awake anyway?

You need some unbroken sleep so you can see the wood for the trees on this. Can you stay with your parents and have them do a couple of the daytime feeds so you can sleep for a few extra hours?

With his refusal to help out with the baby, you simply cannot be managing meals and suchlike as well. That will have to be his job if he demands such an unreasonable amount of free time for himself.

VegetablEsoup Sun 10-Jan-16 10:35:42

he is not pulling his weight.
is he still sleeping now? get ready to leave the house as soon as he opens one eye. plonk baby on his chest and go out for the afternoon. go for a walk. and come back after 3 hours or so.

then sit together and talk.
you need:
- 1 sleep in on the weekend
- him to do the ironing/laundry
- him to tidy up so you can clean (or the other way round

basically you need more sleep and he needs to do his part.

IndomitabIe Sun 10-Jan-16 10:38:07

Your DH is being an arse. If he is depressed he needs to get help, and start helping himself (by getting his sleep pattern & exercise sorted).

A few questions/observations:

1. Is he an actual teenager? If he's grown up enough to have a wife and baby he's grown up enough to get himself to bed on time and take responsibility for his family.

2. If he's up till 4am on a Friday/Saturday night, why can't he deal with the baby at 2am? (If BF, at 4 months this would be an ideal time to introduce a bottle of expressed milk).

3. "Demanding office job" my arse. It's an office job. Full time means nothing. Plenty of people work full time and manage to look after their children (yes, even when single parents or when both parents work. Yes, even with a 4mo).

4. Fuck being a "good wife" - childcare is a full time job in itself. I pay someone to do it for me (she's better, frankly). Don't start feeling like you have to be a cleaner too. If he's only working full time in an office, he can cook/Hoover/use the washing machine just like everyone else that works full time.

He is an arse. He needs to pull his finger out and start behaving like a grown-up.

IAmPissedOffWithAHeadmaster Sun 10-Jan-16 10:39:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IndomitabIe Sun 10-Jan-16 10:41:06

I am feeling unreasonably irate about the OP's DH! I'm actually fuming!

IAmPissedOffWithAHeadmaster Sun 10-Jan-16 10:43:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Feeches Sun 10-Jan-16 10:50:06

I'm on mat leave with a demanding 3 month old. My dh also has a demanding office job but your partner's behaviour sounds intolerable. He does indeed sound like a complete dick. He's supposedly so "excessively worried" about you and the baby that he needs his own time to relax? Really?

What does he actually do around the house and with the baby? And none of this "help" nonsense. A good husband and father does not "help" with their own child.

Is your friend telling you that your partner's behaviour is normal? Or that not being able to tidy the house, find time to cook etc is normal? The latter is true, the former is not.

shutupandshop Sun 10-Jan-16 10:58:59

He is a man child. angry

kittybiscuits Sun 10-Jan-16 11:01:39

I came back because I forgot to make a caustic comment about the 'demanding office job'. Do you have any supportive friends or family who have your best interests at heart? Those friends who think it's normal do not.

helloelo Sun 10-Jan-16 11:16:31

His behaviour is NOT normal.
I'm a 15wk pg SAHM of 1yo DS1. DH works A LOT.
He either does the night shift (DS still wakes up 3 times) or the morning shift at the weekend (7.30am - 10am).
AND he does 50% of the house chores.
My job is to take care of the kids 9 to 6 every week day, outside "office" hours is all shared equally.
You need to sit him down and talk.

PennyHasNoSurname Sun 10-Jan-16 11:32:25

Is the baby breastfed? If bottle, then id tuck myself up at nine and leave him to do all baby duty til 4am. If he insists on staying up til a stupid hour then he can see to the baby in that time.

nephrofox Sun 10-Jan-16 11:35:03

If he's up til 4am then he can deal with the baby! A bottle is the way to go here if not already FF.

3littlefrogs Sun 10-Jan-16 11:49:39

If he wants to stay up till he should look after HIS child dring that time.

"Relax, play PC games, watch films" - good grief - is he 14?

He is an adult and a father. He needs to behave like one.

Excessively worried about you and the baby? He has a strange way of showing it. He is just trying to make you feel guilty and a failure so you will think this is your fault, thus stopping you from trying to make him pull his weight.

Mistressiggi Sun 10-Jan-16 11:50:29

My dh used to go for a lie down when he got home from work when I was on ML with dc1. I felt unsure of myself and didn't know how to react to this - I was "off" after all and could "sleep when the baby sleeps". I can assure you by the time dc2 arrived there was no more mention of naps post work hmm When you're already so tired it can be hard to see what is fair and what isn't.
It makes me so angry to think of women being put on antidepressants when what is actually wrong is their partner isn't acting like a partner. I wonder how many women this applies to?

HandyWoman Sun 10-Jan-16 12:29:01

He's so excessively worried about you and the baby that he helps himself to half a day in bed and entertaining himself til 4am?

Did I read that right?

You don't need sertraline, you need some sleep/help/new husband.

Jibberjabberjooo Sun 10-Jan-16 12:34:02

He sleeps in til 1pm? He's taking the fucking piss. How unbelievably selfish.

53rdAndBird Sun 10-Jan-16 12:52:40

He said he needs time to himself in order to cope and is very protective of 'his' time.

But he doesn't think you also need time by yourself in order to cope? If he's worried about you, why isn't he shifting himself to help you out?

He is being ridiculous and unfair. Maybe he's not like this usually and is just being an arse because he's stressed and overwhelmed, I don't know, but he is still being an arse. He needs to be splitting the baby-care workload with you when he's at home, not opting out of his responsibilities as a parent. And he'd probably feel less stressed and worried about you and the baby if he was involving himself in your lives rather than playing World of Warcraft or whatever.

Eminado Sun 10-Jan-16 12:56:16

"Today 10:41 IndomitabIe

I am feeling unreasonably irate about the OP's DH! I'm actually fuming!"

Me too!!!!
I can't type a coherent reply.

HandyWoman Sun 10-Jan-16 13:10:53

My stbxh used to do this. He would go to bed about 12am Fri night then sleep til lunch time, by which time the dc x 2 had been up since six and were chomping at the bit to get out of the house.... Stbxh would wake at lunchtime and come down in a red mist of anger because i had failed to keep the kids quiet. This was only Saturdays (I got to lie until 8-9 Sundays). But it was bad enough.

When you are on your knees with exhaustion it is hard to keep a grip on realistic expectations.

OP you need to recalibrate what is a normal supportive partnership. This is not it.

Sparklycat Sun 10-Jan-16 13:19:47

He need to go to bed at 10/11pm and then get up at 7/8am like a normal adult. What is he doing until 4am??

DoreenLethal Sun 10-Jan-16 13:28:23

Honest to god - what sort of cuntish behaviour is this - he gave his seed to you and the rest is your problem?

Fuck sake.

He works - and so do you - but at parenting your child. The time that he is home he needs to step up and you BOTH need the same amount of down time. Otherwise you are just flogging a dead horse.

rendit Sun 10-Jan-16 14:28:47

Your husband is obviously working long hours and needs some time to relax.

He is pulling his weight in this rather crucial department - i.e. money doesn't grow on trees - and should be entitled to a lie in on his day off.

kittybiscuits Sun 10-Jan-16 14:33:10


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