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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

It's playing on my mind that he said this...

69 replies

slanguage · 09/01/2016 17:01

There's a man I have been seeing casually. That works well for both of us. I have a DC, not long out of a long relationship, busy with work, enjoying life. He is younger (10 years) and is also busy with work, but moreover he has some proper issues with love and all that and prefers to keep things casual.

So we get on very well. We have great dates, hot sex, have fun together, cuddle, watch films and generally just are happy but we don't talk about the future but we get on well and it seemed to me like we were becoming less casual and I like him and was open to seeing where it went.

Last night he said to me "I think if I wanted a proper girlfriend it would be quite hard to find one", and it was said in a way that pretty much stated he didn't see me as a potential actual girlfriend.

We have great sex, get on like a house on fire and I know I posess all the qualities he likes and finds sexy and appealing in a woman (like my drive and humour) and I was really quite suprised he said that.

Do you think it's because I am older and have a DC?

I felt quite put out that he sees me as good enough to shag but not good enough to be with and felt really offended!

OP posts:

Report

12purpleapples · 09/01/2016 17:05

Does he know that you might be prepared to be more serious about him?

Earlybird · 09/01/2016 17:06

How did you respond to his comment?

Do you think he said it as a way of feeling out how you view the relationship? Maybe he's interested, but thinks you prefer to keep things light / casual?

slanguage · 09/01/2016 17:07

I'm not sure.

We've both talked here and there about the possibility and there's been mixed signals on both sides.

One minute I think "yes", the next "nah" - due to the age mainly - but I was just hurt a bit by him saying that

OP posts:

slanguage · 09/01/2016 17:09

Cross post there...sorry...

Umm...we were having such a good convo at the time and had a few drinks and I honestly don't think I said anything at all. He said other nice stuff, so I forgot about it until he left this afternoon and it just popped back into my head

OP posts:

pallasathena · 09/01/2016 17:11

I think he was expecting you to reply,'Oh no! you'll find one easily!" or something like that. Maybe he was looking for validation? Hard to tell really but if it was me he'd said it to, I think I'd take it as being really ambiguous.

Does he want validation of how wonderful he is or is he hinting that, as you suggest, he doesn't see you as his girlfriend.

Either way I think I'd have to have it out with him. A thought has just struck me...he couldn't be trying to manipulate your feelings/perceptions could he? Classic insecurities bubbling up that he has caused and can control leading to him feeling empowered maybe?

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 09/01/2016 17:15

I wouldn't be " a bit" hurt by that comment, I'd be very hurt.

Him wanting to keep things "casual" means you're good enough for some company when he feels like it and some nice sex but being told that you're not considered to be his "proper girlfriend" is really quite insulting.

Take him at his word and start seeing other people.

thisismypassword · 09/01/2016 17:16

Maybe cool things off with him for a few weeks and he might reveal his true intentions without you having to do any work!

WahhHelpMe · 09/01/2016 17:22

Bitter

I don't understand this sentiment really many people decide to have casual sexual relationships, just because one party may change their mind and think ok well actually i could be in an actual relationship with you, doesn't mean the other party has/ does see it that way, so it's not a case of not seeing someone as not good enough for a relationship, under there thinking it isn't and this was a mutual choice, so why get upset?

Earlybird · 09/01/2016 17:28

You sound unsure of what you want with him. You need to decide whether you want things to progress. If no, continue the casual thing you have going with him and don't look for more. If yes, you need to initiate a conversation about being open to the possibility of things becoming more serious.

I think his comment has a badly worded attempt to 'see where you stand', instead of an insensitive comment......but you can explore it further once you've decided which direction you're willing to go with the relationship.

Earlybird · 09/01/2016 17:29

....comment was a badly worded attempt....

slanguage · 09/01/2016 17:36

I think my point wahh, which I think bitter probably got there was that I am fine with him only wanting a casual relationship (I wanted that too) but am absolutely not fine with the idea that if he did* want a more serious relationship that I would somehow not be suitable.

And if I'm not, I want to know why!

Yes, he is horribly insecure, ut I don't think at all from the phrasing that he was fishing for me to say "oh but have me!!". Not at all, I fel like he was diferentiating between me and "proper girlfriend" material.

I am struggling with it, because I suppose I know that he loves my job, drive, friends, humour, popularity, intelligence and moreover I know that he's never fancied anyone as much (he goes on and on about that and I swear I have never seen a an want me phsyically as much as he does)

So...I am wondering if he is just that shallow that my age, and my DC make me someone he doesn't see as a suitable wife.

OP posts:

slanguage · 09/01/2016 17:38

I suppose I have to ask him, but he will only lie probably won't he.

He has said before the age things means nothing, that I look very young, that he loves my maturity and doesnt think of me as older but obviously something makes me not girlfriend material.

OP posts:

pocketsaviour · 09/01/2016 17:43

I felt quite put out that he sees me as good enough to shag but not good enough to be with

But it sounds like that's how you view him?

gamerchick · 09/01/2016 17:45

I dunno I think you need to have a conversation about it. Maybe he meant in a clumsy way that if this is casual then he would find someone to match up to you. Or something.

A chat is needed I think.

spudlike1 · 09/01/2016 17:46

Some men are very shallow about age ..I'd cool it with him .no.point in asking he'll just say your age is not a problem.
He doesn't want to get serious with you the reason here is irrelevant in some ways . quit while you can

slanguage · 09/01/2016 17:47

I don't think so pocketsavior. If I was going to date anyone I would want it to be him.

I just started off not feeling like I wanted anything.

OP posts:

bjrce · 09/01/2016 17:59

" if I was going to date anyone I would want it to be him".
You said it there in nutshell. The problem is based on what he said, he doesn't share your sentiments and now you just realised that. Also, no matter how casual the relationship it's not nice to feel " not good enough to be the proper girlfriend..."

peppielillyan · 09/01/2016 17:59

There is a huge difference between girlfriend and a f*mate....

TheWordOfBagheera · 09/01/2016 18:05

It would play on my mind too, but maybe he's dismissed you because he assumes you are only after something casual yourself and are unavailable as a 'girlfriend'?

Find out what he meant and go from there.

Twinklestein · 09/01/2016 18:10

Either he was testing the waters to see how you'd feel about being his gf, or he genuinely doesn't see him as gf material.

So ask him.

WahhHelpMe · 09/01/2016 18:12

slanguage

Obviously I don't know your conversations but it could be that he felt as you both stated it was casual then you wouldn't want a proper relationship, he could have been shy wanting reassurance, or sometimes people have casual relationships with people they wouldn't have a normal relationship with there's many differences between what some people look for in the two.

There's loads of explanations, but if you want the proper answer you'll have to ask him

MississippiMud314 · 09/01/2016 18:13

That's not a very nice comment. He doesn't see you as a proper girlfriend?

I went out with a man ten years younger than I am once and he used to try and pin me down to talk about the future.

I would raise it.

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Twinklestein · 09/01/2016 18:16

him you ^^

slanguage · 09/01/2016 18:28

Thanks everyone

I took it to definitely mean that he did not see me as girlfriend material. Just in the context.

I will talk to him about it when I see him next.

It isn't very nice to find out someone sees you that way.

It was also annoying as he has said quite a few things that are in conflict with that...like alluding to a future.

OP posts:

scarednoob · 09/01/2016 18:31

Either he was insensitive enough to fish for compliments or he was saying that he would struggle to meet anyone else because of his feelings for you.

However I think this has flagged up how you feel, so perhaps time for a conversation??

Flip

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