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It's playing on my mind that he said this...

(70 Posts)
slanguage Sat 09-Jan-16 17:01:47

There's a man I have been seeing casually. That works well for both of us. I have a DC, not long out of a long relationship, busy with work, enjoying life. He is younger (10 years) and is also busy with work, but moreover he has some proper issues with love and all that and prefers to keep things casual.

So we get on very well. We have great dates, hot sex, have fun together, cuddle, watch films and generally just are happy but we don't talk about the future but we get on well and it seemed to me like we were becoming less casual and I like him and was open to seeing where it went.

Last night he said to me "I think if I wanted a proper girlfriend it would be quite hard to find one", and it was said in a way that pretty much stated he didn't see me as a potential actual girlfriend.

We have great sex, get on like a house on fire and I know I posess all the qualities he likes and finds sexy and appealing in a woman (like my drive and humour) and I was really quite suprised he said that.

Do you think it's because I am older and have a DC?

I felt quite put out that he sees me as good enough to shag but not good enough to be with and felt really offended!

12purpleapples Sat 09-Jan-16 17:05:03

Does he know that you might be prepared to be more serious about him?

Earlybird Sat 09-Jan-16 17:06:54

How did you respond to his comment?

Do you think he said it as a way of feeling out how you view the relationship? Maybe he's interested, but thinks you prefer to keep things light / casual?

slanguage Sat 09-Jan-16 17:07:30

I'm not sure.

We've both talked here and there about the possibility and there's been mixed signals on both sides.

One minute I think "yes", the next "nah" - due to the age mainly - but I was just hurt a bit by him saying that

slanguage Sat 09-Jan-16 17:09:36

Cross post there...sorry...

Umm...we were having such a good convo at the time and had a few drinks and I honestly don't think I said anything at all. He said other nice stuff, so I forgot about it until he left this afternoon and it just popped back into my head

pallasathena Sat 09-Jan-16 17:11:51

I think he was expecting you to reply,'Oh no! you'll find one easily!" or something like that. Maybe he was looking for validation? Hard to tell really but if it was me he'd said it to, I think I'd take it as being really ambiguous.

Does he want validation of how wonderful he is or is he hinting that, as you suggest, he doesn't see you as his girlfriend.

Either way I think I'd have to have it out with him. A thought has just struck me...he couldn't be trying to manipulate your feelings/perceptions could he? Classic insecurities bubbling up that he has caused and can control leading to him feeling empowered maybe?

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sat 09-Jan-16 17:15:15

I wouldn't be " a bit" hurt by that comment, I'd be very hurt.

Him wanting to keep things "casual" means you're good enough for some company when he feels like it and some nice sex but being told that you're not considered to be his "proper girlfriend" is really quite insulting.

Take him at his word and start seeing other people.

thisismypassword Sat 09-Jan-16 17:16:32

Maybe cool things off with him for a few weeks and he might reveal his true intentions without you having to do any work!

WahhHelpMe Sat 09-Jan-16 17:22:02


I don't understand this sentiment really many people decide to have casual sexual relationships, just because one party may change their mind and think ok well actually i could be in an actual relationship with you, doesn't mean the other party has/ does see it that way, so it's not a case of not seeing someone as not good enough for a relationship, under there thinking it isn't and this was a mutual choice, so why get upset?

Earlybird Sat 09-Jan-16 17:28:10

You sound unsure of what you want with him. You need to decide whether you want things to progress. If no, continue the casual thing you have going with him and don't look for more. If yes, you need to initiate a conversation about being open to the possibility of things becoming more serious.

I think his comment has a badly worded attempt to 'see where you stand', instead of an insensitive comment......but you can explore it further once you've decided which direction you're willing to go with the relationship.

Earlybird Sat 09-Jan-16 17:29:57

....comment was a badly worded attempt....

slanguage Sat 09-Jan-16 17:36:47

I think my point wahh, which I think bitter probably got there was that I am fine with him only wanting a casual relationship (I wanted that too) but am absolutely not fine with the idea that if he *did want a more serious relationship that I would somehow not be suitable.

And if I'm not, I want to know why!

Yes, he is horribly insecure, ut I don't think at all from the phrasing that he was fishing for me to say "oh but have me!!". Not at all, I fel like he was diferentiating between me and "proper girlfriend" material.

I am struggling with it, because I suppose I know that he loves my job, drive, friends, humour, popularity, intelligence and moreover I know that he's never fancied anyone as much (he goes on and on about that and I swear I have never seen a an want me phsyically as much as he does)

So...I am wondering if he is just that shallow that my age, and my DC make me someone he doesn't see as a suitable wife.

slanguage Sat 09-Jan-16 17:38:23

I suppose I have to ask him, but he will only lie probably won't he.

He has said before the age things means nothing, that I look very young, that he loves my maturity and doesnt think of me as older but obviously something makes me not girlfriend material.

pocketsaviour Sat 09-Jan-16 17:43:17

I felt quite put out that he sees me as good enough to shag but not good enough to be with

But it sounds like that's how you view him?

gamerchick Sat 09-Jan-16 17:45:33

I dunno I think you need to have a conversation about it. Maybe he meant in a clumsy way that if this is casual then he would find someone to match up to you. Or something.

A chat is needed I think.

spudlike1 Sat 09-Jan-16 17:46:30

Some men are very shallow about age ..I'd cool it with him .no.point in asking he'll just say your age is not a problem.
He doesn't want to get serious with you the reason here is irrelevant in some ways . quit while you can

slanguage Sat 09-Jan-16 17:47:06

I don't think so pocketsavior. If I was going to date anyone I would want it to be him.

I just started off not feeling like I wanted anything.

bjrce Sat 09-Jan-16 17:59:08

" if I was going to date anyone I would want it to be him".
You said it there in nutshell. The problem is based on what he said, he doesn't share your sentiments and now you just realised that. Also, no matter how casual the relationship it's not nice to feel " not good enough to be the proper girlfriend..."

peppielillyan Sat 09-Jan-16 17:59:32

There is a huge difference between girlfriend and a f***mate....

TheWordOfBagheera Sat 09-Jan-16 18:05:24

It would play on my mind too, but maybe he's dismissed you because he assumes you are only after something casual yourself and are unavailable as a 'girlfriend'?

Find out what he meant and go from there.

Twinklestein Sat 09-Jan-16 18:10:28

Either he was testing the waters to see how you'd feel about being his gf, or he genuinely doesn't see him as gf material.

So ask him.

WahhHelpMe Sat 09-Jan-16 18:12:30


Obviously I don't know your conversations but it could be that he felt as you both stated it was casual then you wouldn't want a proper relationship, he could have been shy wanting reassurance, or sometimes people have casual relationships with people they wouldn't have a normal relationship with there's many differences between what some people look for in the two.

There's loads of explanations, but if you want the proper answer you'll have to ask him

MississippiMud314 Sat 09-Jan-16 18:13:11

That's not a very nice comment. He doesn't see you as a proper girlfriend?

I went out with a man ten years younger than I am once and he used to try and pin me down to talk about the future.

I would raise it.

Twinklestein Sat 09-Jan-16 18:16:14

him you ^^

slanguage Sat 09-Jan-16 18:28:13

Thanks everyone

I took it to definitely mean that he did not see me as girlfriend material. Just in the context.

I will talk to him about it when I see him next.

It isn't very nice to find out someone sees you that way.

It was also annoying as he has said quite a few things that are in conflict with alluding to a future.

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