Conflicting parenting styles (amongst other issues)

[Familymatters2016]

Not a frequent poster but have nc for this.

We have a challenging DS (7), no SN and probably within the normal range of childhood behaviours. 'D'H and I differ in our approach/management to this behaviour - I have read lots of behaviour books, have reached out to a friend who works in this field and am currently on a parenting course which has been very helpful (H could not take time off work to do the course). H will not read the literature despite me asking him to, he doesn't take on board my suggestions or advice from the course. Still have flare ups from DS, which I deal with as I have been advised. DS settles down and we move on. If it is H that deals with it, he gets angry, shouts, is intimidating at worst, yet doesn't register that this Aggravates and escalates the problem (even though I have explained this to him).

I feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall. This has been going on for months, if not years. should I expect him to ever have a lightbulb moment and change his ways?

Also have a DD (3). DH loves the kids but due to working hours (and an active social life) isn't around much to participate in family life. And when he is, every weekend is like Groundhog Day - arguments with DS, then sulking etc.

To complicate matters our marriage (10 years, together for 20) is generally unhappy, possibly due to the family dynamics and behaviour patterns, but also due to other selfish behaviours of H. I don't know how long is a reasonable time to keep trying. Deep down I've had enough, but want to do right by everyone.

Has anyone else been in a similar position? Really don't know what to do for the best.

Thanks for reading.

[Joysmum]

Sort of.

I asked DH why he thought it was that everyone found DD to be a pleasure to be around and why she only had meltdowns round him?

I got a 'don't know'.

I pointed out the the problem was his, not hers and I couldn't support him in that.

I told him I'd do all disciplin and was quite happy to play the baddy and he just needed to enjoy her because if it continued their relationship would suffer permanently.

That broke the cycle whilst he watched and learnt and went on ADs

[loveyoutothemoon]

Isn't around much?! What exactly does he do hobby wise, and how often?

[PandoNoPants]

I could have written this. I don't know what to do either and hate looking forward to him going to work on a Monday. It feels like a dark cloud over us at weekends! Shouldn't be like that at all.

I too have given him literature, explained what works and what doesn't. Not interested. I like to explain situations and consequences and why we don't do this. I like to give choices. He shouts because that's how it was for him growing up. It's taken a lot of patience on my part to let him see how his own Father had such a negative impact on his childhood.

The only success I have is to not engage in arguments with him and calmly repeat the same thing. I explained today that I don't particularly want to be around him when he gets angry/frustrated because DS & DD won't behave for him. I explained how it makes me feel and asked him how a 5 & 3 year old might feel. Penny dropped and we're all good...until next time I guess.

I really feel for you because it feels like a never-ending battle at times.

[peppajay]

In the same situation here never get any time off as dh won't look after kids as they misbehave for him because they want his attention. He never participates in family life coz too busy doing his own thing. I keep thinking I will do something about it but never do!! I thought as kids got older he would get better but in fact he has got worse. To all intents and purposes I am a single mother. I am trying to sort out a sitter as we speak so I can have my first girlie day out in 9 yeas but not succeeding so feeling pissed off yet again that can't do something I want to do for ME. Big hugs know how you feel xx

[Familymatters2016]

Thanks for your replies. Joysmum, I may trying giving him more of an ultimatum. Like Pando, I've told him I would be scared if he was shouting at me and 'in my face' as he sometimes is. It's horrible to see, I feel I have to try and hover around ready to intervene. DS is aggressive though and no wonder, this is the behaviour being modelled to him.

Pando, I'm sorry you're in the same boat too. I feel the same, relieved when he's not here as even when the children play up, it's so much easier on my own. I can be firm when I need to but not lose it. I hope what you have said to your DH will really make him think. H said there's no respect, but that's a two way street isn't it.

Loveyou, H works late, sometimes by choice to avoid traffic. He's home around DS bedtime, but only joins in if I ask him to. Does sports hobby though summer months which takes up a fair few weekends, plus nights out (with all-weekend hangovers) and a couple of lads holidays a year. Doesn't leave much time for him to join in.

I have wondered if it's to do with the stress of having young children, as lots of other threads relate to the difficulties and seem to suggest in time it will pass, but it seems to run deeper than that.

[Familymatters2016]

Peppa, I feel like a single parent too! Wonder if it would be easier tbh. Do you have anyone else who could babysit - 9 years is a long time to be coping alone. Hope you make it for your day out! Really feel for you.

[Tillyscoutsmum]

I could've written your post. My ds is "a character". His dad thought he needed "sorting out". Weekends were either spent with him out doing his hobby or with never ending shouting matches between him and DS. I found that, even though I resented how much time he had to himself, the times when he wasn't there were actually a blessed relief.

We split up 2 years ago and I am much happier. Ds is more settled. Exh is actually more patient when he does have the dc's because he gets the rest of his time to himself.

[schlong]

Your H has issues op. I could have written this post up until a month or so ago. My dp was taking his residual angst with his mother out on our Ds on bad days. Since he's told his mother in no uncertain terms to do one the red mist has lifted. Your H needs to work on the root causes of his rage. You need to protect your Ds.

Give him an ultimatum.

[peppajay]

I really thought things would get better with time but he is prob become more distant than in the early days. I have often thought of leaving but he wouldn't want to see the kIds or in his words "he wouldn't cope" and then i wouldnt be able to go out in the evening - as this is the only time i get to see friends. My one saving grace is he loves cleaning so he does almost all of the housework and he is really good at it - I rarely hoover dust or wash up so although I do everything with the kids I don't have to worry about the housework!!

[schlong]

Hmm so going out in the evenings and not doing housework take precedence over your ds's wellbeing? Skewed priorities maybe? Sounds like your h is scapegoating your Ds and if you allow him to continue on this path your Ds will be fucked up. What are your h's issues? If he's unhappy in the family he should remove himself not take it out on his Ds.

[Familymatters2016]

Thanks for your replies. Sorry for the late reply, had a busy day with DC yesterday. Had another discussion with H about the reason for DS's anger, told H he is modelling angry behaviour, again he didn't take it on board (took himself out of the house for a couple of hours to have a sulk). H could be stressed, but so far as I can see the stress in his life he brings on himself. Tillysmum, thank you for your post. I'm beginning to think that this is what I need to do, it's good to hear from someone 'on the other side' as it were, that it could be the best thing for everyone. Am going to try getting through to H one more time and then will get together RL support to take action.