Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I'm not sure I can put up with DH grumpiness any more

(10 Posts)
recyclingbag Sat 09-Jan-16 14:31:17

I don't know what to do. DH is so grumpy. He always has been but I'm reaching the end of my tether.

This morning I was loading the dishwasher and he asked me if I wanted a cup of tea. I was distracted and thought about it and said "yeah, I will have one"

He thought I said "yeah whatever" and yelled at me for speaking to him like that. I told him what I actually said and he refused to believe me saying "don't call me a liar, I heard what you said"

This was in front of his Dad and our two children.

We haven't spoken since except when I said half an later that I wouldn't be spoken to like that and he went off on one again about he knows what he heard etc.

He's taken the children out for a few hours.

It sounds really trivial but I feel like I am sick of it.

Marchate Sat 09-Jan-16 15:05:23

He 'heard' what suited him

Karanka Sat 09-Jan-16 15:15:37

It doesn't sound really trivial at all.

From your post this doesn't seem to be a one-off - is he like this generally?

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 09-Jan-16 16:59:02

Its not trivial at all; such verbal abuse is damaging to self esteem. Also your children are learning about relationships from the two of you; what are they learning here?.

He does this because it works for him. He gets what he wants from doing
this. Its a way of keeping you in check and under his power and control.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

You might also ask yourself these questions:
•How often does my partner cut me down with his words?
•How often do I feel intimidated, shamed, or insulted after a conversation?
•Am I afraid to raise certain issues, for fear of the tongue lashing that may follow?
•Does he purposely embarrass me with his words in front of the children, family members, neighbours or others? Call me names, humiliating me, then telling me I’m overly sensitive?
•Do I feel diminished every time we try to have a discussion?

Karanka Sat 09-Jan-16 17:19:23

Also, I wouldn't say what you are describing is 'grumpiness'.

There is a world of difference between 'grumpy' and 'nasty'.

All0vertheplace Sat 09-Jan-16 17:22:13

Yikes. That list is giving me some food for thought. This is something I struggle with -- my DP would say that I view him as the problem, and that makes him ferl bad. I am reluctant to have conversations with him because it so often goes to an argument or him complaining or lamenting or getting angry about something. There was very little conflict in my house growing up, which has poorly equipped me for grown-up situations. I freeze. Or I shut down. Or I avoid. It's not good.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sat 09-Jan-16 17:28:47

I'm not surprised you are sick of it and feel you can't put up with it any more. He sounds a nightmare. Definitely not trivial behaviour.

What does "not putting up with it" mean for you?

recyclingbag Sat 09-Jan-16 20:22:29

Attila, I don't think I would say yes to those things.

He is not nasty so much as very negative. He always seems to find something to complain about. It's really wearing.

This morning's outburst was unusual but his general negativity isn't. He's more passive aggressive than actually aggressive which I admit is not much better.

I've spoken to him a lot recently about how much he criticises the children (DS1 in particular) and how it has to stop.

I'm tired of it.

All0vertheplace Sat 09-Jan-16 20:35:11

Incessant negativity is draining. It is also deeply unsexy. This is placing a strain on my relationship.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 09-Jan-16 20:39:07

PA is bad and it is of no surprise at all you are tired of it. He does this as well because this works for him, he has and continues to belittle you all.

How did he respond to your request that this behaviour from him has to stop?.

I would think he was parented in a similar manner so this is pretty much normal to him.

You have a choice ultimately re this man OP; your children do not. Do you want them growing up thinking that this is normal behaviour, that this is how people actually behave?. Look in particular at what he is doing to his son.

He is not going to change and you cannot afford to hang around waiting for him to have an epiphany that will not happen.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. The fact that you have not answered (or perhaps could not answer) that questions says a lot.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now