Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Devastated

(40 Posts)
CEG1983 Sat 09-Jan-16 10:58:58

First of all - apologies for the long post, just really looking for some advice.

In October, my husband of 8 years (together for 14) told me he had been n unhappy with our relationship for around 6 months. He couldn't really explain why but he felt we had turned into house mates rather than husband and wife and he didn't love me any more. We decided he would move out, give him some space that he felt he needed then start working on things together - going on dates etc He assured me that there was no one else involved and no one else would become involved while we were trying to work things out. We have 2 children aged 2 and 5 and because of this we still had to see each other every day. When he moved out, we carried on having family meals together, doing things as a family, us going to his flat, him coming to the family home. We carried on sleeping together but he refused to have any of the date nights etc that he had promised. In December, he also avoided any situation where we would be able to sleep together again. I knew something was wrong and last week he told me he was seeing someone else. He has gone from telling me that he doesn't love her to her being more important than me. He still texts me about random things, nothing to do with the children, tells me he still fancies me, crys when we talk about what has happened and says how sorry he is. He assures me that he had decided it was completely over with us before he started this new relationship, he just didn't have the guts to tell me it was over and its nothing to do with the other woman. The speed that their relationship is progressing makes me sick. He admits he was happy in our relationship for 13.5 years and it was just the last 6 months that made him unhappy. We were best friends, perfect together almost. He still comes into out house like he's my best friend, tells me everything that's been happening with him, makes himself coffee etc when he comes to see the kids. He tells me I still know him better than anyone else in the world and our relationship will always be important to him.

As for the other woman, she is 6 years younger than him, never been in a long term relationship, no kids etc They can have the life together that we had before our children came along, no worries about paying bills, ferrying the girls to all of their clubs etc I don't understand why anyone in her position would want to get involved with this man literally just out of a 14 year relationship with 2 young children.

One of the most hurtful things is that it just seems as though I've been replaced - she is being taken to see his family for the weekend etc - no one seems to think he is doing anything wrong as long as he is happy.

The thing is all I want is for him to come back so we can work on things. I miss him so much and feel so lonely. I haven't been eating or sleeping. I have anxiety issues anyway and this has just made things 100 times worse. I know he seems head over heals with her but I love him and can't help how I feel.

12purpleapples Sat 09-Jan-16 11:12:27

Sorry you are going through this. He sounds very confused, Would he attend relationship counselling with you?

SongBird16 Sat 09-Jan-16 11:12:37

You're grieving and I'm sorry to say that you have a long road ahead, as you work through the various stages on your way to acceptance.

My feelings are that he was already involved with this woman before the separation, but in many ways it doesn't matter.

You need to harden your heart against him. It's easier said than done I know. At the moment you are still on his hook, dangling just in case his new relationship doesn't work out. Would you really want someone who could do that to you? It's time to show him that he's made his decision and you're not simpering in the wings any more, show him what he's missing. He doesn't get to straddle two lives, getting the best of both worlds any more.

While you're waiting to genuinely feel it, fake it. Be busy. Be distracted and unavailable to him. Ignore texts that aren't about the children. You're not his best mate, people don't do this to best mates.

Sonia2213 Sat 09-Jan-16 12:02:30

You need to create boundaries and him coming in and out the house texting you etc you need to stop this , for yourself! I know it hurts but you need to see him only for the children and have him pick them up at the door. If he's moving on you need to, it looks like he's not coming back im so sorry! I hate to be so straight but you need to be strict with him and yourself! Hope you're ok xxx

Costacoffeeplease Sat 09-Jan-16 12:28:11

I'm afraid you have to toughen up now - he's not your best friend, he doesn't walk into your house as and when he feels like it, and make himself cups of coffee. Schedule contact with the children, handover on the doorstep, no cosy chats and tears - why would you even want him back now??

Find your anger, and use it

Fckup Sat 09-Jan-16 12:38:01

You're grieving, it will pass but at its own pace and this won't be helped by continuing to have him in your house etc. As hard as it is, you need to lift your head up and learn to live without him. You can do it and life will be different but one day you'll get there. Take baby steps.

AnyFucker Sat 09-Jan-16 12:45:06

OP, you are really hurting it is clear

But if you really want him back you are going the wrong way about it.

Right now, he is getting the good parts of marriage/family without any of the hard bits. Then he goes off and fucks someone new and more exciting for him. Happy days for him.

he has to feel the loss for him to truly realise the choice he is making. Right now he is getting the best of both worlds and you facilitating him to do that will only breed contempt and devalue you further in his eyes

of course you wants you to stay "best friends" so that you will make it easy for him and his conscience is salved

you won't "keep him" by accepting only the bits he is prepared to give

you have one chance here to hang onto your self respect, no matter how your marriage plays out long term

doorstep handovers, contact only about arrangements for the kids, no cosy friendly chats

see how he likes what the cold reality of walking away from your family and trying to juggle caring for your kids with squiring the latest bit of skirt goes

LucySnow12 Sat 09-Jan-16 12:45:36

Like others have said, you need to get strong. He's probably been having an affair for a lot longer than he will admit. People in affairs lie, deny the truth and minimise. He is a coward and not your best friend. Of course, he wants to remain friends because that will absolve him of any wrong doing or acceptance that his actions and deceit have been hurtful. You need to have minimal contact with him. He is not coming back. He just wants to take but not give. Start to get yourself sorted, get support from your family and friends. Get some counselling. He is a loser. You need to recognise this. You are not defined by your relationship with him.

AnyFucker Sat 09-Jan-16 12:46:24

last sentence didn't make sense, sorry. I am sure you get the gist

offside Sat 09-Jan-16 12:54:37

I agree with PP. You're making I easy for him. He hasn't really lost you or your family has he? He still has you when he wants you and you're allowing him that freedom. You need to set boundaries, as hard as it will be. He can't come and go as he pleases, if he has a key, take it off him, he needs to schedule visits and it has to be just for the girls benefit, not for your benefit.

When he gets emotional you need to tell him he is no longer your responsibility and he needs to speak to his new GF if he is upset. He doesn't yet realise what he has lost.

LucySnow12 Sat 09-Jan-16 13:18:43

Yes, stop pretending he is still part of your family. He isn't. He has broken it. Being his friend is just making it easier for him to move on. And don't for a minute believe he wasn't sleeping with her before he left. Think about his behaviour from that time. Was he always texting, was his phone always on him, was he moody, secretive? You have the strength to get you through this. Believe in yourself. Look into Mindfulness. It is a great way to combat anxiety.

LondonStill83 Sat 09-Jan-16 13:26:58

This is a sad situation and I am sorry you are going through it...

Unfortunately, nothing you do can "make" him come back -- and I would think very long and hard about whether you would even want to.

However, what you can do is make him treat you with respect. What he is doing right now is walking all over you- you sacrifice everything and he has sacrificed nothing. In fact, he's gained a new girlfriend whilst feeling no disruption to his family life.

Lucky bastard. Smart, really!

Channel your anger or whatever you need to boost your self respect for a while. He DOES NOT get to chat to you about her, he isn't welcome to make coffee, he doesn't get to phone or text, he doesn't get to have his cake and eat it too.

Make some changes to the house so that it feels like "yours alone" rather than "yours together". Buy a new kettle. Or get a nespresso machine, they are fun anyway. Take down things he liked, move the furniture around, join a weekly club and make him watch the kids.

It's your house and your life now op. Don't do it so that he feels the loss and comes running back, that's bollocks. Do it so you can move on.

12purpleapples Sat 09-Jan-16 13:32:44

Looking like you have moved on probably gives you the best chance of him wanting to come back anyway. Thats if you still want him once your head has cleared a bit.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sat 09-Jan-16 13:33:31

Really not on to waltz in and blether while making himself a hot drink. Head over heels or not that's being insensitive. Best friends don't trample over your feelings and still expect you to listen and humour them.

AnyFucker Sat 09-Jan-16 13:34:48

Oh yes. At the moment op thinks she wants him back. Hopefully, if she gets some space from this nightmare her self respect will kick in and she will realise she no longer wants the soiled goods that is her husband anyway

Have seen it happen time and time again. At the moment she is still in marriage preservation mode. When the anger comes, that will fade.

CEG1983 Sat 09-Jan-16 16:53:39

Thank you for all of the replies. I know each and every one of you is right. It is everything that my family and friends have already been telling me and I am just trying to find the strength to start taking a bit of control back. I suppose all I want is someone to say, I have been in the sa!e position but he eventually seen sense, realised the grass wasn't greener and came back. I know that's not going to be the case but I can't help but think the man I have known for 14 years would not be doing this to me. I am taking small steps at the moment and know eventually I will be able to lay down some rules and start telling him what will be happening.

mapmyface Sat 09-Jan-16 17:38:19

Ceg- I'm in a very similar place right now. Dh left me at the beginning of December as he was unhappy.
At the minute there is no one else, I believe he is depressed or having a break down but he refuses to acknowledge this.
We were very much in love and best friends until he became distant in October ish.

I dearly want him home, and have been pandering to his wants regarding seeing the children and staying over in the spare room so he can see them before work etc.

I've just put my foot down today for ds2 3rd birthday and said he couldn't come over after his night shift and watch him opening presents before sleeping here today.
He's had to have them this afternoon instead and will miss out on the cake later.
He is very annoyed, but I need him to see he can't choose when we act like a family. It's all or nothing.
It's very hard, I've had time off work and most days I cry. I feel very lonely so I understand that you like having your dh around. It's almost comforting isn't it.

Feel free to pm me.
Wishing you strength and happiness thanks

timelytess Sat 09-Jan-16 17:54:11

You can't have him back, and you'd be stupid to accept him if he tried to come back. He's gone, and good riddance.

If that sounds very harsh, I can tell you, from experience, that in twenty-five years time you won't give two hoots about him. You have pain and re-organisation to go through in the next year or two, then you'll have some kind of life, different from the one you expected with him but perhaps a lot, lot better, and by the time you are old he'll be a mistake you hardly remember. Really.

For now, wail and cry if you need to. Feel sorry for yourself and your children, love and miss him or hate him, whatever comes along. But move forward.

I'm so sorry, it will be hard. But it has the potential to be amazing. Go ahead, live.

12purpleapples Sat 09-Jan-16 18:44:05

Good luck with taking the power back. Even if he did come back for some reason and you accepted that I suspect that you would always now be wondering when the next time would be that someone else catches his eye.

Bubbletree4 Sat 09-Jan-16 18:59:33

He's having his cake and eating it. All the cosy bits of family life with you and selfishly a new relationship on the side. Because of this, he is not actually really able to see what he's lost because he hasn't actually lost it - he's still having it.

It's very likely this woman was on his horizons before he moved out, he probably just moved out to justify shagging her in his own mind. If she's younger with no kids, it's likely she is more naive regarding the impact of destroying a family, getting involved with someone married etc. Although she is 50% responsible for this affair, it's not worthwhile for you to get angry at her. It won't achieve anything and won't help you. She is irrelevant and she could be anyone.

I think you need to say to him that it's time for you not to go into his flat and him not to go into the family home. You are separated so should have your own space. This is for your benefit because currently you have half a husband and he has everything. I'd also start divorcing him on the grounds of adultery. You unfortunately need to get your life into a position where it doesn't include him (apart from handovers). Also, I wouldn't get into texting him unless child related and tell him just child related stuff now as you are no longer a couple. I know how much it hurts, my h did it to me when we had 2 small dc. But only time will heal you, a bloody lot of it.

choceclair123 Sat 09-Jan-16 18:59:54

Agree with all the ladies, you need to stop letting him hang around. He's not feeling any sense of loss, he's having his cake and eating it. He's only going to realise what he's lost when you close the door.

I'm afraid that in most instances, people never really start to appreciate what they had until it's gone.

Hang on in there OP, a whole new life awaits you. Start focussing on what you do have and not what you don't thanks

Bubbletree4 Sat 09-Jan-16 19:04:01

And just to add op (sorry to be blunt) that the chances of him coming back, after he has reached the stage of taking his mistress on family visits are unfortunately low.

But the only way that he might come back is if he realises what he's lost. Properly separating like the stuff in my above post is the only way that he might realise what he's lost. But it is only a slim chance.

12purpleapples Sat 09-Jan-16 19:06:24

There is also a risk there that he returns because its convenient, and then either carries on the affair or leaves again with someone else at a later point e.g when the children are a bit older.

RandomMess Sat 09-Jan-16 19:09:28

First step is getting him to have the DC overnight to enable them to have a proper relationship with him, no more seeing them in the family home.

Suddenly it won't be the life he had pre-kids anymore he'll be back to pulling his weight with them and the reality may hit home then!

SongBird16 Sat 09-Jan-16 20:28:59

FWIW the chances are statistically quite high that he will regret his decision to leave, but you may never know it. I once read that 80% of men who leave wish they hadn't twelve months later, but feel that they've made their bed and have to lie in it. So if it helps you at the moment, take some comfort in that and then get on with building a fabulous life so that he regrets it even more.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now