Do you think it's possible to be totally unlovable?

[Blatherskite]

Do you think it's possible to be universally unloveable in the long term?

Are there people in the world who just have a time limit on the amount of time that people can stand being around them?

So no matter who or when or where or why, after a certain amount of time, every relationship will come crashing down and end when the other person realises that person A is awful. This includes parents, siblings, partners, friends and even possibly children.

I think I might be one of these people.

I'm 37 now so have had many years to test my theory and I'm really becoming convinced and it sucks. It's got to be my fault so what do I do about it?

[marzipanmaggie]

I think there probably are people who are totally unloveable but you don't sound like one of them. You sound like you are suffering from crushingly low self-esteem and you have to sort this out because this will make you feel unloveable, which in turn will make you project this onto yourself and other people will pick up on this negativity.

Its not your fault, and you can't control what's happened to you. You don't say what's happened to you but I'd say at a guess that various people have come along whom you have trusted and who have destroyed your confidence in yourself. But it is in your gift to take control of the situation and turn it around. And you have to do this.

Trust me, I'm feeling like this at the moment too but I do know a) that it will pass and I'll feel better and b) that you have to get hold of it and turn it around as no one will do it for you.

It sounds like you need some counselling... have you had some?

[Blatherskite]

I've had lots and lots (and registered with Talk for Change this morning) but it doesn't seem to help. I'm more at peace with my past but the future and living through this cycle over and over and over scares the crap out of me.

[marzipanmaggie]

You don't say what's happened to you so its hard to be sure what you're dealing with. If you're talking about something like systematic abuse by a family member for example, then it will take a lot of work to unravel this and frankly I'm not qualified to give you advice on this. There are people on here who do have experience of this.

Are you having the right kind of counselling? You do have some very negative thought patterns and I think you need some tools for managing this.

[Blatherskite]

I'm not having any counselling at the moment. I've felt like this forever though.

[pallasathena]

NO. You are valuable, loveable, wonderful and very likely just a bit 'different', by that I mean more clever, more gorgeous and more sensitive than your average dude.
Which probably means that people try to put you down.

[Blatherskite]

No. I'm not.

[ravenmum]

I think that many people are really hard to live with, and most people have something unpleasant about them which might put people off (especially if they are looking for a reason to leave). No-one is a delight to be with at all times, and few people have enough pluses to make you ignore the negatives.

You might, obviously, just be really, dreadfully horrible - we don't know you! - or you might be so convinced that you are horrible that it makes you hard to live with. Whatever applies, you'd probably need to look seriously into counselling (really trying to find something that works for you, rather than trying one or two things and giving up) and getting yourself checked out for depression/anxiety.

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

Some people can be hard to be around. Some people are tedious company, mean spirited, rude, smelly etc etc. There is usually a fit for everyone (not just talking about sexual partners, also friends) though.
What characteristics of yours do you think makes you unloveable? Low self esteem can lead to 'needy' behaviour which when coupled with the self fulfilling prophecy that low self esteem causes (I'm unloveable therefore they will leave me) can push people away. It doesn't mean you're unloveable though.

[Blatherskite]

I've never given up on counselling. Each time I've been, it has been decided that I don't need it any more before it's ended. I'm on antidepressants at the moment.

If I knew what caused the problems then I'd stop doing them. I try my absolute hardest and am as kind, thoughtful and likeable as I know how to be. Which is why it hurts so much when it all falls apart. I've only ever been called 'needy' once. I have another friend (for now!) who says that I am the most low maintenance friend ever. The person who called me needy has since fallen out with a whole group of people and it generally agreed that it's her issues not mine.

[Joysmum]

If you have friends then you're clearly not unloveable

I agree with the others. You sound like you have hit rock bottom self esteem, not that you're not worthy of attracting people to love and care about you.

[Nonidentifyingnc]

I do believe that there are people in the world who are so nasty that they are unloveable. People who are abusers for example. I don't think it applies to people like you. I think you have just been very very unlucky in the people you have come across in life.

[Shameandregret]

I have this. In fact I've just sabotaged what could have been a fantastic relationship that could have brought me lots of happiness and Jo. Why? Because I hate myself and no amount of people telling me otherwise has helped. I'm 36, so similar age to you. Unfortunately I know the reasons behind it (I've been raped twice, on bed as a child once as an adult & been in a very violent relationship). Can I change these feelings about myself? Nope. Can others? Nope. I'm at a loss too but I do know that I'm heading down the path of submergence & my issues are going to define me if I'm not careful. So I'm going to make a plan that involves mapping out what I do want and trying to change the negative. There's a saying that we can be scared of happiness because everytime we find it we get hurt. We are going to get hurt anyway. When our loved one dies, when our pet dies, when we lose our job etc. It's learning to move on from it that we are scared of.

Does that make sense? No you are not unloveable. You are just scared.

[SeaCabbage]

Why don't you tell us who has fallen out with you and why?

I am sure unpacking it will show it is more their issues than yours. You sound too aware of the problem to be the one at fault.

[Blatherskite]

It doesn't really matter who I've fallen out with or why. The point is that it happens over and over and over again.

I have friends for now. Experience tells me that this is a short lived thing though and eventually they will move on and I'll be left trying to find more. I'm very good at making friends, I'm just monumentally shit at keeping them.

[Joysmum]

I have friends for now. Experience tells me that this is a short lived thing though and eventually they will move on and I'll be left trying to find more. I'm very good at making friends, I'm just monumentally shit at keeping them

I think that's pretty normal too.

Ask anyone on here about friendships and you'll get told they don't last in general and keep evolving.

[IrenetheQuaint]

Hmm. Do you fall out with people (and if so, in what type of circumstances) or do they just not bother to keep in touch?

[Blatherskite]

They just drift away usually. Either that or they seem to develop an obvious hatred of me then leave.

[ravenmum]

I wonder if your wish to please might be a reason why people think you don't need counselling? Do you perhaps not mention remaining problems as you don't want to sound like a drama queen, or want to show the counsellor that they are helping, for example? I've been on psychotherapy for two years without any major trauma in my youth, and my therapist has kept on repeating that you aren't "cured" after that time - with deep-rooted feelings you might need years of help.

Being a people pleaser is also actually not a great way to make friends, I think (I'm no expert, rubbish at it myself!) ... I don't know why; if it makes you come across as fake (too happy happy) or if people just prefer having bitchier friends! Maybe as they then look better by comparison .

I also wonder if the media gives us a false impression of the friendships most people have. Some people probably do have a big circle of wonderfully close, loyal friends like Hugh Grant's friends on Notting Hill, but maybe more of us are just like you.

[FreshHorizons]

I think that you have to love yourself first and you don't. I think it is a low self esteem problem. You expect friends to move on and it becomes a self fulfilling prophesy.

[FreshHorizons]

On the plus side you find friends and a lot of people can't do that.

[ravenmum]

Do go and have your antidepressants re-evaluated, too. Maybe the level or type is not quite right for your current state of mind. The time of year alone is not great if you tend to get depressed. The facts are real, obviously, but watch out for yourself as it may be the chemistry of your head making you feel so hopeless.

[IrenetheQuaint]

Maybe you are so keen to be nice that you are coming across as a bit dull - might that be possible? Also, if you don't like yourself people will subconsciously pick up on it and undervalue you too.

[Blatherskite]

It's not just friends though. One of my parents hates me. Not in a 'we don't talk much/I always feel they're disapproving of me' way but in a proper 'has looked me in the eye and told me "I hate you" since I was a small child' way. We haven't spoken for 19 years now.

This parent was also the one who told me that "people only like you because they don't know you well enough to hate you yet". Which is true.

Husband is on his way out. Then it'll be the children.

At least then I'll have no ties.

[ravenmum]

That's not proof that you're unlovable. It's an explanation for the lack of self-esteem which is probably helping to scupper your relationships.

[Marryoneorbecomeone]

What ravenmum said^^

There's some kind of self fulfilling prophesy going on