Hi,
I'm a regular member and have posted here several times under different usernames. Simply because by combining all my issues in one hit, I felt I could be outed in rl.
Ill try my best to keep this to the point but some background is relevant..
I am in my thirties with three children. almost two years ago I left an emotionally abusive and controlling relationship after 17 years.
From that, I continued to make bad choices in men, falling for the charm but never spotting the oh so obvious signs. It's fair to say, that my self esteem was zero, and even though I know deep down I am a good person, attractive and kind. I seem to spiral into doubting that, every time a relationship goes wrong.
I realise on reflection I should of remained single for a lengthy time after leaving my abusive ex. However, I was looking for someone to make me feel worthy and wanted. Pathetic I know, but that's all I wanted. Just to feel loved and appreciated. I wanted to prove I could do better, and it wasn't me that was the problem. But I continued to make bad choices making my already low self esteem hit rock bottom.
Fast forward to now, and I have met a seemingly wonderful man. He is different in every which way to what I have ever experienced. But I absolutely feel that I am going to ruin this.
He has a very respectable job, and I have met his family, friends and work colleagues, so I feel I have a true picture of who he is - his character etc. They are all lovely, say wonderful things about him.
The things that differ from him and my three previous (disastrous) relationships are:
1> The others were so full on with the charm at first. "I can't wait to see yous" etc. He on the other hand is quite laid back. however always makes the time to see me, even though his work schedule is mental at the moment, he always finds a way we can see each other. Nothing is to much iyswim?
2> The others were so cuddly, tactile and touchy feely at first. He will cuddle me etc. but it's not as much at all. I then think, is he not that into me?
3> Sex with the others was just that really, I always felt pressured into trying things I wasn't keen on, or basically the sex was kinky and never loving. With him, I'd say that we most definitely make love (although we are not in love at this early stage of three months). I like that of course. But I feel I have learned behaviour sexually, that I try to keep under control. Only because that's all I know. So even though I've longed for this type of loving sex, I still have that niggling thought or does he find me sexually attractive, does he think that I am boring in bed!
4> Unlike the others, he is very open and laid back about his phone. He gave me his password as he is a heavy sleeper and on occasions he didn't wake up to his alarm. He said I could just go into his phone and switch it off. I've also used his phone for the internet. If he has had messages from someone he dated or was speaking to on whatsapp (we met on a dating site) he shows me. I never ask btw. His openness and honesty is like nothing I've experienced before.
All of the above show that in theory, I probably have nothing to worry about. But I still do! I think he is going to get bored of me and cheat. If he doesn't reply to my messages on whatsapp (and I've seen that it's read and his been on during the day briefly) I think there's something wrong. I will say his messaging has decreased slightly, however, that does coincide with us seeing each other slightly more, and his job getting busier. I'm also over analysing things like the fact he's gone from putting two kisses on a message to one. Also, that he used to text me first thing in the morning, but sometimes not until mid morning or lunchtime. Plus, I know he has loads of female friends and admitted he gets on better with women. This is fine for me, except I know he has given this woman a lift into work the last week as she has injured herself. He's caring like that and the line of work he was in and is in now highlights that caring side of him. BUT, I'm now reading too much into it. Even though he has told me what he is doing!
I know I sound daft. But I really feel like he's going to pick up on my anxiety. I need to sort it. I need to be able to relax. I feel like I'm going crazy waiting for something bad to happen.
I never finished my counselling.. I should of. So I think that's something I will need to do. But the waiting list is horrendous. Is there a book I can read to help me deal effectively with these issues?
A final note to say that despite all the above, I've managed to shield my children from all these issues. They are very happy and well balanced. It's just me! Also, my current partner knows about my history and is very understanding and reassuring in general. But I don't want him to know completely what's going on in my head through fear of scaring him away.
Sorry. I didn't really keep this short did I!
Thanks in advance.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
I am going to ruin this.. please stop me!
newstartnewthinking · 08/01/2016 11:42
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