I have been a regular browser for about 5 years on this topic. I have read with great interest to try and help me with my problems within my marriage. I have been scared to post as I realised in doing so, it would more than likely mean my marriage was over, and that my husband ( who I am sure spies on me) would see and it would cause merry hell.
However, I have reached a point in the last month or so, where I can no longer continue without any support. I am desperate for advice or input as I feel I have no one in real life to talk to about things and I feel like I am going insane.
I will try to get this all down to give a picture that hopefully you can help me with. I am , however, cautious that there may be things that easily identify me and I am trying to avoid this.
We have been married nearly 12 years, we married young ( think early 20s) Our relationship has always been troubled, in the early days it was very tumultuous and if I am honest with my self, I should have walked away then.
i didn't, we pushed through, thinking it made us and our love stronger, got married and had children. At not one point has our life been easy, we have no family support, we used to have awful financial troubles, problems conceiving ....
One our our children is disabled, it meant that I could not work, but that suited my husband as he wanted me to stay at home, equally, I wanted this too, I wanted to care for our child.
Over the years, my husband has gone about his life and I think its fair to say , we fell in to the old trap of Wifey at home , doing everything... He went out, socially and I always stayed at home.
After having my children, I was very sad, not depressed but I needed to see a counsellor ( I have lots of troubled childhood trauma from abusive parents). Whilst in therapy , i realised that the way my husband treated me was not right. Things that he said, the way he behaved etc.. I pushed it to the back of my mind, not wanting to split up and carried on...
Fast forward to now- I can't stand another minute, years and years of poor communication, horrible things said, just general lack of respect and disregard and I have switched off, I feel numb, I feel so exhausted and fed up and all I want to do is run away. I feel I have zero confidence, I have terrible lack of self esteem, I feel crushed....
I can't be sure if this is because I have been treated badly, or Im just mental?
I guess its easy to look at some behaviour and label it as abusive, i would certainly say that the way my husband has behaved is so. But, Im not innocent.. i can't be, nobody is perfect.. Or I guess I have had years of my husband calling my 'Miss Perfect' ( this is not been said in a nice way).
So here we are, I have told my husband, he now has turned into super husband who is saying he will do anything to fix us, but I just feel like its too little too late.
I am terrified of the future, I know I will be screwed financially, I have no job, no way of earning money, a disabled child to care for, that affects getting a full time job. I will lose our home and I feel like I am crazy for not trying to push on through.
I am not interested in anyone else, but one thing I have noticed is when any male, shows me any kind of attention that is kind or nice, I feel ridiculously keen for it ( not that this really happens that often) Am I that starved of affection? Is this normal?
Am I having a pre mid life crisis, and I am going to blow all of our lives apart for a silly reason?
I am sorry for the long post, I never know how to write , which is probably why I don't. But I have seen the support and kindness on here and I am just praying that you might have some for me?
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
I could really use some insight and advice..
batshipcrazy · 08/01/2016 09:22
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