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I could really use some insight and advice..

(32 Posts)
batshipcrazy Fri 08-Jan-16 09:22:47

I have been a regular browser for about 5 years on this topic. I have read with great interest to try and help me with my problems within my marriage. I have been scared to post as I realised in doing so, it would more than likely mean my marriage was over, and that my husband ( who I am sure spies on me) would see and it would cause merry hell.

However, I have reached a point in the last month or so, where I can no longer continue without any support. I am desperate for advice or input as I feel I have no one in real life to talk to about things and I feel like I am going insane.

I will try to get this all down to give a picture that hopefully you can help me with. I am , however, cautious that there may be things that easily identify me and I am trying to avoid this.

We have been married nearly 12 years, we married young ( think early 20s) Our relationship has always been troubled, in the early days it was very tumultuous and if I am honest with my self, I should have walked away then.
i didn't, we pushed through, thinking it made us and our love stronger, got married and had children. At not one point has our life been easy, we have no family support, we used to have awful financial troubles, problems conceiving ....
One our our children is disabled, it meant that I could not work, but that suited my husband as he wanted me to stay at home, equally, I wanted this too, I wanted to care for our child.

Over the years, my husband has gone about his life and I think its fair to say , we fell in to the old trap of Wifey at home , doing everything... He went out, socially and I always stayed at home.

After having my children, I was very sad, not depressed but I needed to see a counsellor ( I have lots of troubled childhood trauma from abusive parents). Whilst in therapy , i realised that the way my husband treated me was not right. Things that he said, the way he behaved etc.. I pushed it to the back of my mind, not wanting to split up and carried on...

Fast forward to now- I can't stand another minute, years and years of poor communication, horrible things said, just general lack of respect and disregard and I have switched off, I feel numb, I feel so exhausted and fed up and all I want to do is run away. I feel I have zero confidence, I have terrible lack of self esteem, I feel crushed....
I can't be sure if this is because I have been treated badly, or Im just mental?
I guess its easy to look at some behaviour and label it as abusive, i would certainly say that the way my husband has behaved is so. But, Im not innocent.. i can't be, nobody is perfect.. Or I guess I have had years of my husband calling my 'Miss Perfect' ( this is not been said in a nice way).

So here we are, I have told my husband, he now has turned into super husband who is saying he will do anything to fix us, but I just feel like its too little too late.
I am terrified of the future, I know I will be screwed financially, I have no job, no way of earning money, a disabled child to care for, that affects getting a full time job. I will lose our home and I feel like I am crazy for not trying to push on through.

I am not interested in anyone else, but one thing I have noticed is when any male, shows me any kind of attention that is kind or nice, I feel ridiculously keen for it ( not that this really happens that often) Am I that starved of affection? Is this normal?
Am I having a pre mid life crisis, and I am going to blow all of our lives apart for a silly reason?

I am sorry for the long post, I never know how to write , which is probably why I don't. But I have seen the support and kindness on here and I am just praying that you might have some for me?

hellsbellsmelons Fri 08-Jan-16 09:33:43

My initial advice would be to contact Womens Aid and have a long chat with them.
Explain how your relationship is and get some insight from them as to abuse etc....

But you aren't happy and that is the crux of the situation.
You can accept that and plod along or you can change things.

There is no reason why you would have to leave the family home. You have children and one is disabled so you may well get to stay in the home until the kids are 18+

Contact CAB and get an understanding of what you would be entitled to in benefits, housing etc...
Then have look on line and work out how much child maintenance you should get and then work out how viable it will be for you to leave.

How much does your H earn? How much access do you have to finances.
I would make a suggestion here but if you H is spying on you (absolutely not OK by the way - this is control and abuse all on it's own) then I wouldn't want him to know about it as he could stop you.
If you don't have access to finances then you are also being financially abused.

Again - Womens Aid is your first port of call then take it from there.

batshipcrazy Fri 08-Jan-16 09:40:10

He runs his own business, that how I know that he would be able to make it look like he earned nothing and not give us a penny.
We have discussed separating , over christmas and he said he wants 50/50 custody. I said yes, but then found out that this means, he does not have to pay me any money, therefore I could not afford our house nor anything else and not be able to live.

I did try womens aid, years ago, when i was having the counselling but chickened out. I am scared to talk about the way our relationship is as i am unsure as to whether we are just a bad fit and rub each other the wrong way, or that he has been abusing me. I don't want to acknowledge that sad

He is swinging between being angry, ignoring me and being snide, to telling me he will do anything to make it work. But then he is getting angry that i am not trying. I cant try, i fee numb, but then Im not sure if its over?
I have booked a couples counsellor next week, he initially wanted to go, but then came home last night saying that he is upset with me for booking the appointment as it all feels real again??? Has he not been taking me seriously?

I have booked a gp appointment this morning, I don't really know what to say.. I just feel like I need help and am trying to reach out, but I am scared.

batshipcrazy Fri 08-Jan-16 09:41:30

I basically just feel like i am going insane... Im not trusting myself to make a rational decision, i don't know which way to turn.

Marchate Fri 08-Jan-16 09:46:22

Husbands who spy on their wives' online activity are abusive by definition, whatever their other actions.
Have you read "Why Does He Do That" yet?

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 08-Jan-16 09:47:39

I would now cancel the couples counsellor; this basically encourages the abusive man to make it all out to be their chosen victim's fault yet again. They can also manipulate counsellors into feeling sorry for them. You will have no voice in such a session. No decent counsellor would ever see the two of you together anyway due to his ongoing abuse/control of you.

Do speak to Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247; they can and will help you more.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 08-Jan-16 09:50:05

I basically just feel like i am going insane
You mentioned this a few times now.
Then I would say you ARE being abused.
It's hard to face I'm sure. But face it you must.
Tell your GP everything.
Do NOT go to counselling with your abusive partner (assuming here)
Go on your own. Don't cancel it, take the opportunity to get in there and get things off of your chest.
Joint counselling in an abusive relationship is absolutely NOT recommended.

You know it's wrong or you wouldn't have posted. No doubt your upbringing has a lot to do with why you are with an abuser (if you are)
We have too little to go on to know for sure if you are being abused so when you can find the courage, do post about things he does.
You mention a couple of things but have not elaborated.
Would it help to get it all down in writing to a bunch of strangers?
You know we won't judge and you know we will all want to help and support you.

If you DH is self employed then he will have accounts. He will have had to declare earning for the tax man etc....
Unless his is completely bypassing this which means you need to report him to get him investigated.

batshipcrazy Fri 08-Jan-16 09:50:17

I am not 100% sure he is spying on me.... its just a gut feeling I get. He has installed a camera in our home and has been telling me he has been watching me remotely ( this is meant as a security camera)...

Just little things that make me think..hmm, thats convienient.
He is convinced I am having an affair! I have been so loyally faithful to him for our entire relationship, that hurts so much when he says it.

No, I have not read the book, have heard it mentioned on here lots. but again, i just don't feel strong enough to deal with what I might read, I know that sounds daft! and I guess, even if it does help my understanding, it still doesn't change anything.

Marchate Fri 08-Jan-16 09:50:45

DO NOT GO TO COUPLES COUNSELLING WITH YOUR HUSBAND!
Go alone. Abusers know how to make counsellors their allies. Trust me, I know. Use the search box and you will find many references to why it's a bad thing

hellsbellsmelons Fri 08-Jan-16 09:53:16

He is convinced I am having an affair!
He's projecting.
He's the one who is probably having an affair.
They all do this.
Blame you for an affair to justify their own deceitful behaviour because they are the one who is actually having an affair.
It's the script and it's text book.
I'd be looking into that side of things.
How long has been accusing you of this?

Marchate Fri 08-Jan-16 09:59:45

And even if he's not having an affair he has probably been on the verge, or at minimum lusting after someone. Projecting indeed

batshipcrazy Fri 08-Jan-16 10:00:22

The thing is, I can't tell if we are just bad for each other, shouldn't have stayed together or if he is abusive. Im sure I am no saint. He always says that I blame him and I am 'little miss perfect' but I am a very insightful person and I do check a lot of my behaviour and I will admit if Im wrong but on most occasions, can't see what , if anything I have done to provoke him. Thats why i can't trust my gut, as I don't know wether I am actually cry, need help or something?

He calls me names, nasty names, knows how to hurt me and what to say. My mother is mentally ill and an alcoholic, I have no contact and he uses every opportunity to tell me I am mental like my mum and an alcoholic if I have a drink.

I get ignored, days on end if I don't give in to sex or make him feel pushed away. Intimacy is a big issue as I have no desire for him, but he still sulks even when I have explained why I am feeling unloved and not like sex.

We argue and bicker all the time, its like we just can't speak without some problem, he is very very defensive , I honestly have no idea why, but it is exhausting, having to remind him not to be defensive, there is no reason to be..
There are many more things, the trouble is, most of it I have now switched off too so it feels like old stuff, but its still happened, still there and I can't forget or forgive, this is why i now feel numb and don't want to carry on.

When I read other posts, I can explain most of our behaviour together as other couples, but I do see some behaviour that are red flags, Im just too confused.
Everyone loves my husband, no one would guess how he is too me sad

Most of this, he has raised his hand too and apologised and has suddenly got all insightful and different, I am completely thrown by this and keep asking him why he has changed.. he can't answer.

I do have to leave for the doctor in a moment, what will happen if i tell her all this? I am scared.

batshipcrazy Fri 08-Jan-16 10:03:25

I hope i am making sense, I am finding it really difficult to say how i feel.

Marchate Fri 08-Jan-16 10:03:55

Tell her today. This is your perfect opportunity. Please, you won't regret it

batshipcrazy Fri 08-Jan-16 10:17:25

I'm useless, I don't know what to say or where to start. I feel sick.. I'm waiting to go in..

hellsbellsmelons Fri 08-Jan-16 10:31:47

Start with - I am being abused - then take it form there.
I hope you get some help and support from the GP.

And all of that stuff is absolutely abuse.
Stonewalling, gaslighting, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse.
Crikey - it's really not good.

He may be changing but like most abusers, he will revert and even if never did, I believe you have lost the love now and it's too little too late.

batshipcrazy Fri 08-Jan-16 10:33:07

Well that was awful.. I was in and out in 5 minutes and after barring my soul, was given a leaflet for on line counselling!

I'm so confused and so anxious..

pocketsaviour Fri 08-Jan-16 10:39:47

I really recommend reading Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft - I think it will help you decide for yourself whether your H abuses you, or whether you are a "bad fit". You can buy it on Kindle so there isn't a copy in the house. If you can't afford it, or you're worried about it showing on your purchase history, you can send me a PM and I'd be happy to send you a copy (a digital file so you can read it on your phone or computer.)

FWIW, your H's behaviour around "monitoring" you, his insistence that you're having an affair, and your fear levels around his reactions, make it clear to me that he is abusing you. But this is something that you need to see and accept for yourself in order to take the next steps.

Sorry things didn't go well with the GP. Some doctors are shit at spotting abuse, and NHS resources are stressed. However there are other organisations which will help, such as Womens Aid. If you do split, you will not end up on the streets - you will get housing benefit, child benefit, carer allowance for your disabled child.

Abusive men always say they will take the kids away from you. It's generally an empty threat. Especially if your DC is disabled and needs extra care. Would he really be prepared to do that? How much care does he currently give the DC?

MyMoneyIsAllSpent Fri 08-Jan-16 10:57:13

I am sorry your GP has not been more supportive. I once sat for an hour sobbing at my GP because I had no RL support.

From what you have said I would most definitely think your DH is being abusive and I would back up all the good advice you have already had.

Get as much legal advice as you can. Once you have more information you will have more confidence. Also, get your post moved to that other place that isn't traceable. If you don't know where I mean ask.

Please do not go to couples counselling. My Ex wanted to do that but like you, it was too little too late and I just wanted out. And like yours, my Ex was charm personified, to the outside world. Definitely get counselling for yourself, I did although the counsellor could not make me find the courage to leave the relationship.

Keep on posting here you will get a lot of support and understanding.

Are you aware that the law on DV and abuse has changed. Your 'D'H may find himself on the wrong side of the law! flowers

Marchate Fri 08-Jan-16 11:00:43

Can you see another GP at your practice? I know a bad experience puts you off, but you need more than online counselling.
At least read the Abuser Profile thread. Then you'll probably want to read the book! Some of us find it helpful to see how predictable our partners are - not as clever as they think, simply stereotypes

Marchate Fri 08-Jan-16 11:03:12

Btw the law has only changed in England & Wales

NoMoreParades Fri 08-Jan-16 11:13:27

I'm a single parent with a disabled child, it can be hard work but leaving my ex was one of the best decisions I've ever made. It wasn't until I stepped away from the relationship that I realised he was also abusive, and how miserable I'd been.
Financially we are fine, even though DC's disability means I can't work. Check your entitlement to benefits and maintenance, if you haven't done already. You can do this, good luck

batshipcrazy Fri 08-Jan-16 14:54:30

Just checking back in before I have to collect the kids. Thank you for your replies, it means a lot .
I have spoken to womens aid, the lady was wonderful and has clearly stated that all I described is abuse and very controlling behaviour. I can't say how I feel, I feel numb. I've known this for so long but have not had courage to do anything. I'm still terrified now, scared it's the weekend and I have to pretend even more. I'm scared of him being aggressive and nasty and I just wish it would all end.

I am hoping to ring rights for women that the kind lady from women's aid suggested but have also spoken about a tentative solicitor meeting next week, it's costly but I think I should go.

I don't know how much I'll be able to type over the weekend.. But I will try.

Thank you all X

hellsbellsmelons Fri 08-Jan-16 15:00:16

Well you've taken the first steps so that is great.
Deep breath and then onto the next one.

WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant Fri 08-Jan-16 15:03:51

If you can use a computer with being spied on, go to one of the benefits checker websites (entitledto?)

You will probably be pleasantly surprised at what you are entitled to, even without a bean from him.

You should get...

Housing benefit (up to the local area average)
Council tax reduction
DLA for the disabled child
Tax credits
Income support

So... You should get a house big enough for you and dcs and a reasonable amount to live on.

Good luck flowers

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