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I feel trapped and don't know what to do.

(11 Posts)
DittoDeb Thu 07-Jan-16 21:26:24

I don't really know how I should start this so please bear with me...

I found mumsnet by accident and after reading through many, many threads about types/charactaristics of abuse and others situations, both here and via the tons of links I've found here, I have seen my own relationship clearly for the first time (It's almost as if I'm seeing it from the outside, does that make any sense??)

If I'm honest with myself I've always known things are not right, deep down, but I think due to a mixture of fear, denial and anxiety I've not allowed myself to believe there is anything wrong.

I've spent the past few weeks reading, crying, reading more, getting so, so angry at myself for end up like this, angry at him and more, much more crying.

Over the past 15 years there have been varying degrees of emotional abuse and financial control with occasional bouts of awful aggression and rage.
He has never actually physically hurt me, but throwing things near me, smashing things in the house and lots of threats of violence - yes.

I am in no doubt now about the fact that I am in an abusive relationship, it feels like a bloody beacon flashing over my head and I can't believe I've never seen it, or rather acknowledged it to myself, before! I feel so, so stupid.

I don't want to go into specifics, mainly because I'm scared he'll somehow come across it and recognize situations and know its me - I am fully aware that sounds ridiculous but there is history of him spying on me and I just don't want to risk it.

I have however started a personal sort of diary/history of everything, and this has helped hugely to clarify my thoughts - it's very therapeutic actually.

My real problem is how to move forward...

Although together for 15 years, with a 14 year old DS, we are not married and I have found myself (or allowed myself more like) to end up in a situation where our house which we each pay equally to the mortgage for and each put £20K deposit down for is entirely in his name.

I also have substantial debt in my name for various reasons meaning I wouldn't be in a position to buy him out even if he were to be reasonable and allow that as an option - which I very much doubt he would anyway.

No-one in RL knows any of this, he is totally charming to everyone else and everyone loves him. I can't bring myself to tell my family, I would feel so guilty about laying it at their door and worrying them. I just can't do that. Or at least I'm not ready to.

I feel utterly, utterly stupid and totally trapped and just cannot see any way out that doesn't involve losing everything I've worked for. Actually I'm really f'ing angry about it as well.

I pretty much know I'm screwed. I don't even know what I want from posting this, but it has helped to "get it out" at least.

A small consolation is that things are not as bad now as they have been in the past and there are good times, but when I look at it rationally I can see that it's mainly like this because I'm better at doing things his way and avoiding doing stuff I know will cause conflict. The downside to this is that I am forever walking on egg-shells and it's frankly a completely shit way to live.

Sorry about the ramble, I didn't realise this would end up so long when I started. If you've made it this far: Thank you for listening!

gamerchick Thu 07-Jan-16 21:36:33

are you able to get support IRL when you need it?

You've taken the first step, now you need a plan and some legal advice re the house from the sounds of it.

windowblinds Thu 07-Jan-16 21:44:48

I feel for you OP. Is there any downside to asking him to have it put into joint names?

RandomMess Thu 07-Jan-16 21:48:59

When to financially get what is yours the easiest/cheapest way would be to actually get married...

Do you would think he would be suspicious if you either asked to put in the house into joint names or get married?

SavoyCabbage Thu 07-Jan-16 21:49:51

You aren't stupid. You are just in a situation at the moment. Do you work? Roughly how much are these debts and what form are they in? Credit cards?

category12 Thu 07-Jan-16 21:59:03

Do you have financial records showing your 20k deposit and mortgage payments? I'd get some legal advice on the quiet and see whether it's as hopeless as you think.

DittoDeb Thu 07-Jan-16 22:44:35

Thank you so much for your responses. After I hit the post button I realised that I was actually shaking! This is the first time I’ve admitted any of this to anyone, it felt terrifying and a little bit liberating all at once!

gamerchick No-one knows any of this so no RL support. I do have a great family who I know would support me through anything, but I just can’t. My main worry is that they’d invariably be desperate to help me financially but they are not in a position to and I know not being help me in that way would break their hearts and I’d feel guilty. At the moment I just don’t think I can cope with that.
windowblinds I did ask about having my name included, but his solicitor told him that my name can’t go on the deeds unless I am also on the mortgage and as I’m not in the financial position for that to happen it’s a non-starter.

RandomMess He would be hugely suspicious if I started asking for the house to be in joint names now, we bought it a few years ago and I know he’d think “why now?”. As for getting married, I can see how it could be a solution but it seems so mercenary, it would feel like a huge deception. I guess it would be a huge deception. I just don’t think I could do that…

SavoyCabbage and category12 I do work full-time, salary is not as good as his but it’s not shit. I can document my equal payments for all bills and mortgage easily. Same goes for the deposit. The debts are substantial, they are loans and CC’s – I’ve started to scrimp as much as I can to bring down the CC’s but it’s slow going and made harder because I often end up having to pay for the majority of day-to-day household stuff because he doesn’t/won’t.

It’s ridiculous really, I just want what is mine, nothing more, so that I can move on, support my DS and start re-building things for us. I’m almost tempted to just cut and run to avoid the scenes/torrents/rages/pleading/guilt trips which I know would ensue, I don’t want to (and tbh I can’t even begin to see how I would make ends meet which it’s terrifying) but the thought is there gnawing away at me nevertheless . But along with clarity has come such an overwhelming feeling of anger at the injustice of my DS having no stability/security as I struggle to start all over again while P takes the lot and carries on with a comfortable life.

It’s just such a mess.

Next step: I am going to start looking for some legal advice, but won’t have the chance/privacy to do that now until next week.

category12 Fri 08-Jan-16 16:18:05

Well, y'know, credit cards and unsecured loans aren't considered important debt. (That's not the right term for it, but y'know what I mean). Granted, it's bad for your credit rating to get them written off or on token payments, but it really doesn't need to keep you trapped. There are worse things - and in time you can rebuild a good credit rating. If you work out a payment plan, it doesn't have to get that bad either.

Work out what financial help you would get with tax credits etc.

Marchate Fri 08-Jan-16 16:40:41

HE Told you that HIS solicitor said you couldn't be named as a joint owner if not also on the mortgage??
I'm fairly sure that's not correct

PhoenixReisling Fri 08-Jan-16 17:01:29

I don't think it's correct either. Hopefully some one with some legal knowledge may come along to advise you soon.

I will however say, that a family member of mine put their spouse (before they were married) onto the deeds. This person hadn't contributed to deposit/mortgage, but as they had a child my family member thought it was the right thing to do.

category12 Fri 08-Jan-16 17:04:39

It's positive that you can document your deposit and mortgage payments, so chin up and get that legal/financial advice.

And do get support from your family. I know you don't want to worry them or burden them, but telling people is so important to help you get things moving and to support you.

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