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Dating/early on. Better to ditch now or wait it out?

(28 Posts)
MilleniumTalcum Thu 07-Jan-16 20:45:02

Daft dating question...

I've been seeing this guy for a month or so. We get on well, have lots of chemistry and overal he is sweet. But...

I think our values and overall attitudes are quite different. I'm really into politics, run a website (writing about it etc). I mentioned it in passing last week and he scoffed at it and we had an awkward sort of debate where he told me that women and men are equal now so people should stop going on about it and the same goes for inequality/people who're struggling etc.

That's fine but I'm very involved in a particular party and run that website in my spare time it then feels like I have to hide quite a big chunk of myself/what I'm passionate about. I'm also training to be an Occupational Therapist so it's sort of a running theme in my life (and most of my family's - all teachers, social workers etc).

And he's made a few comments that are just a bit hmm (funnily enough also about women, pretty laddish stuff, a touch of double standards etc).

I know it sounds daft but besides that he's quite intense and it's at that point where I think if we carry on seeing each other someone might end up hurt. Would it be jumping the gun to stop seeing somebody based on that? I've not dated in so long. I can't remember what to take with a pinch of salt and what the signs of a disaster waiting to happen are hmm grin

UterusUterusGhali Thu 07-Jan-16 20:49:46

I'd dump now tbh.

He scoffs at and is not on board with a massive part of your life.

You deserve to, and will find, someone who thinks you're bloody awesome for doing that.

MilleniumTalcum Thu 07-Jan-16 20:51:41

(First world problem but I'm a bit short on the friend front as I've moved away for my course)

ohdearlord Thu 07-Jan-16 20:53:31

Another vote for not squashing down values differences early on. These things don't tend to get better with time as they go to the core of who we are.

I'd leave - pleasantly, but with a reasonably firm, "I don't think we'd be well suited in the long term".

If on the other hand you're not after a long term thing and would quite like something light-hearted and fun for a while then go ahead, but that's not really what it sounds like.

MilleniumTalcum Thu 07-Jan-16 20:54:43

Hmmm I did feel a bit defensive about it. I have friends who are right wing who I get on with so it's not that but it was pretty awkward talking about it because he just said things will sort themselves out and people meddling won't help. (I am a meddler grin though he did't call me that directly ).

Newyearnewme2016 Thu 07-Jan-16 20:57:10

Definitely ditch.

I went out with someone who had very different politics from me and it affected his attitudes towards everything. I tried to ignore it for a long time but it caused problems when I realised I didn't want to introduce him to friends for fear of embarrassment.

He's not going to change his views is he?

IrritableBitchSyndrome Thu 07-Jan-16 20:58:13

Split up now. Otherwise you'll be kicking yourself when you're far more involved later on that you ignored these signs at the beginning. If you're also a bit vulnerable to putting up with this rubbish as you're temporarily a bit isolated, all the more reason to be firm. You will thank yourself later.

MilleniumTalcum Thu 07-Jan-16 21:04:17

Newyear - I think you're right. My mum asked when she would meet him (jokingly) and I realized I was worried it would go down like a lead balloon...

It's sort of at the 'well I gave it a go' stage. It helps writing it out. I think I was just feeling guilty and a bit confused (I have a looooot of deadlines &DSs birthday this month so haven't had a chance to stop and really think until this weekend).

Reese123 Thu 07-Jan-16 21:13:37

Yes definitely best to go with your gut instinct.

MilleniumTalcum Thu 07-Jan-16 21:13:37

I also just found out I have to try and live off not much money at all until Sep. I don't mind scrimping but it's a bit embarassing to deal with in front of a new partner and all that. I should maybe leave it out until I qualify and things are much better. I just met him by accident at a uni thing and we hit it off and went on a date a week later. I think maybe I should just consciously not date or consider it for a couple of years!

pocketsaviour Thu 07-Jan-16 21:28:21

he told me that women and men are equal now so people should stop going on about it

Oh, my sweet summer child hmm

I couldn't date anyone that blissfully unaware of their own privilege.

MilleniumTalcum Thu 07-Jan-16 21:33:58

That is how it looked to me. (I did mention that laws almost only ever change when there is pressure to do so so whining is pretty important) wink It was such a cringey conversation. Should have brought it up on the first date..

MilleniumTalcum Fri 08-Jan-16 09:22:20

Think he wants to come over tonight. I'm too tired for a face to face dumping so I might just postpone until monday.

Another one bites the dust cake

FinallyHere Fri 08-Jan-16 09:25:43

Joining this party late to say that i don't think that the differences per say are a reg flag, it's absolutely how he deals with differences that matters. Good luck.

MilleniumTalcum Fri 08-Jan-16 09:38:08

Thanks. That's what bothered me more. I can respect other people's viewpoints. But feeling the need to scoff at someone else's or belittle them just doesn't sit well with me. Our values are clearly different which like a PP said probably would just cause problems. (He tried to tell me that rating women (out of 10) isn't objectifying and that I must find men attractive too etc. I couldn't even be bothered to get into that one...).

sandylion Fri 08-Jan-16 10:18:12

Bin him. You need someone totally on the same page as you. I occasionally want to stab DH but the fact he is basically me prevents this. It's just so important as your relationship progress imo. We all change a bit but our core values and beliefs stay the same.

sandylion Fri 08-Jan-16 10:19:02

And rating women is vile.

MilleniumTalcum Fri 08-Jan-16 10:28:39

Thanks. I do think it's really important. That whole conversation basically u-turned it for me in terms of how I was feeling about the whole thing.

I'm trying to decide between a phone call or just a message. I don't think face to face would be great as I've not got a night to myself for 2 weeks so DS would be here (asleep) and it just makes me feel a bit uncomfortable.

MilleniumTalcum Fri 08-Jan-16 10:44:20

Opted for a nice-ish message just mentioning the personal differences/core values as the reason and that I'm happy to talk about it on the phone if he feels the need. It's only been under a month so I don't feel like that's too awful...

RedMapleLeaf Fri 08-Jan-16 11:58:46

Sounds like the best action OP, well done, I don't know if I could handle it as well as you have.

MilleniumTalcum Fri 08-Jan-16 12:12:02


Secretly hoping he doesn't want to talk about it of course grin

KatsutheClockworkOctopus Fri 08-Jan-16 12:39:41

I agree that it belittling your views which is the problem. It's impossible to have a reasoned debate when someone does that. Onwards and upwards OP!

Hillfarmer Fri 08-Jan-16 13:02:29

Aiieee! I think you've done the right thing OP. It's such a cliche but that scoffing - which is not nice even at first - is just the thin end of a misogynistic wedge. I have friends of various different views, but of course tend to mix with my own feminist/lefty liberal kind. My XH tended to say the odd off colour thing occaisionally - early on he was describing his relative's girlfriend who we were about to meet as 'She's a real feminist' - as if that was a slight downside, when in my life it was a complete given - and I laughed and said 'What do you mean, do you think I'm NOT a feminist, ha ha ha?'. He laughed too, it seemed. These things seem small and laugh-offable when you're having lots of fun in the beginning and they think you're fabulous.

Anyway I was laughing on the other side once we were married and had two young children and I was no longer working (for money). Then his inner misogynist came to the fore and I could hardly credit that I was married to an abusive, woman-hater and me the main woman in question! Then you're really fucked. Reader, I divorced him.

Samantha28 Fri 08-Jan-16 13:20:43

Dump this one

And don't worry about meeting someone else when you are a bit short of cash . Anyone decent won't mind . In fact it might be a good test of their values wink

Blueshoess Fri 08-Jan-16 18:38:35


Iam a student OT and single mum too! I've also found the OD thing tricky as all it takes is one ignorant comment and Iam totally turned off. Iam completely and utterly passionate about OT and the guys that I dated just didn't have a clue, and tbh weren't interested in anything political or service related.

Iam now just focusing on uni and I know that in the future I will likely meet a lovely OT/Pt/nurse/doc/ahp who shares my values. Though it is still fun to date (& look at the guy from a MOHO point of view)

Good luck with the assignments smile

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