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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Help with lying partner

100 replies

Lolly1984 · 07/01/2016 14:35

Let me give you the basics: we've been together 6 and 1/2s, we have 2 sons, one 5 one 6 months. In October I found out he had not been telling the full truth about his credit card debt. I knew he had one, but only a couple of thousand. Turns out he had 3, I looked in his wallet. He only admitted to 2, and the total debt being 12k. He persuaded me the third was an old card and it was only the 2 credit cards that had the debt.

Lots of talking, arguing, crying. We resolved it, he got a debt consolidation and included my (small in comparison) credit card inc too.

Fast forward to today, the debt consolidation letter came, addressed to both of us, I opened it. There are 4 cards on there, mine, the 2 he's admitted to and of course, the 3rd one he made me think I was crazy and swore didn't exist.

I'm stuck. He had every opportunity to admit to the 3 cards, and I'm not sure why he'd admit to 12k debt but not 14k ( my estimate to what the debt really is) I understand he might be embarrassed etc but we are meant to be a partnership!
He's due home at 5, is don't want to be here, but I have to face it right? Considering getting our 5 yr old to have a sleep over somewhere else coz I'm concerned it will turn into a fight even if I'm determined now to be mature and calm....
Unfortunately we've had a rocky relationship and I have doubts about our future anyway, but I've gotta keep trying right?!

Any advice will help, thanks

OP posts:

Report

cailindana · 07/01/2016 14:39

My advice would be to leave. You can't have a relationship with an unreliable liar.

wowis · 07/01/2016 14:43

Hi op,
thats so unhelpful of him...i'd show him the letter and ask him how he suggests you both move forward from this when he's been caught out in another lie. Id remind him that trust is paramount and ask him how he can expect you to trust him? Essentailly giving him the responsibility for making this situation better. I'm not sure if LTB is entirely helpful here it seems there is plenty you can do before it gets to that stage and that ought to be the last resirt.
Good luck op.

cailindana · 07/01/2016 14:46

Genuine question wowis - why does leaving have to be a last resort? Why does the OP have to work to repair the relationship when the DP has lied to her face?

Spanglecrab · 07/01/2016 14:46

How much debt is on the 3rd card as opposed to the other two?

Iwonderif · 07/01/2016 14:49

Horrible situation. Sorry. He needs counselling to help with his addiction and lying. But you can only take a horse to water blah blah.

If your future is looking rocky already then I'm afraid it's now looking even worse. Very difficult as you have children. It's possibly going to end up in a row. He'll probably become very defensive. You'll go round & round in circles. If you can get 5yr old to sleepover it may be best if you're thinking an almighty row will happen.

If you want to stay with him then be prepared for a tough road ahead. It depends if he wants help. If he doesn't then I'm afraid I would look into making plans for a different future. But you'd possibly be happier in the long run. All the very best.

Lolly1984 · 07/01/2016 14:50

One is about 10k, the other I knew about is about 3k and the one that doesn't exist is prob about 1.5k but I don't know coz they've been consolidated.

OP posts:

Spanglecrab · 07/01/2016 14:53

I don't know much about the mechanics of a consolidation. Is it possible that it's an old card but still counts as active for consolidation purposes? It's worth you trying to find out as much of the truth as you can independently before the questions start. At least then you'll be aware if he lies again.

hellsbellsmelons · 07/01/2016 14:55

I've gotta keep trying right?!
WHY?
He's lied and lied some more.
Made out you are crazy.
It's been rocky any way.
What are your living arrangements?
Renting or mortgage?
Who's name?

ImperialBlether · 07/01/2016 14:56

You're not married but you consolidated your debt with his?

Lolly1984 · 07/01/2016 14:58

We've got kids and he's a great dad! Plus he pays all the bills due to me not working. Without him I have no home, the kids have no home and no dad. Not a good reason to stay but certainly a good reason to try surely?

OP posts:

Lolly1984 · 07/01/2016 14:59

Yes, we have kids. Much more of a commitment than a bit of paper and a party.... And I was struggling to pay it off so he's helping me

OP posts:

cailindana · 07/01/2016 15:01

He doesn't pay all the bills - he racks up debt and lies about it.

Joysmum · 07/01/2016 15:02

LTB is a process. It takes a while to get to that stage.

I think you're closer to the end of that process than you are the beginning.

TheJiminyConjecture · 07/01/2016 15:03

To give him the benefit of the doubt is there any way he could have included all credit cards as a pp suggested and got the total on the 2 others wrong? When you're looking at debt of 10k, then the extra 658 or whatever could be forgotten. 2 amounts in the hundreds rather than the thousands could total 1.5k.

Lolly1984 · 07/01/2016 15:08

No, unfortunately the debt consolation company statement is clearly for 4 cards, mine, his 2 he's admitted to and a magical other card that didn't exist....
I need to make this very clear, it isn't about the amount, it is the fact he has had many opportunities to admit the 3rd card and he denied it every time, even said the 3 red card I found in his wallet was an old one that was dead and he'd destroyed it. (I didn't think to look too closely at the time)

OP posts:

cailindana · 07/01/2016 15:12

Someone who stands there and repeatedly lies to your face cannot be trusted. How can you ever feel secure with him when you know at any point he could do something and then repeatedly tell you he didn't do it?

Jan45 · 07/01/2016 15:12

He lies - game over.

TheJiminyConjecture · 07/01/2016 15:13

Oh I didn't realise that he'd lied and lied about it. That would be a massive issue for me and I'd really struggle to come back from it. Sorry for focus on the money, not the real issue. I misread whilst feeding the baby

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 07/01/2016 15:22

No you don't have to keep trying! You can't now, surely? You can't trust him at all.

ohdearlord · 07/01/2016 15:32

Is this kind of lying something you suspect he's done before?

Jan45 · 07/01/2016 15:37

He pays the bills but racks up debs of 14K - nope, he's still a loser.

Sorry OP, the debt, the lies - why are you bailing him out at all.

definitelybutter1 · 07/01/2016 15:43

Were the three credit cards in his sole name? Is the consolidation loan in both names? You are now responsible for all the debt just as much as him.

Does this make a difference? How is he in other areas

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goddessofsmallthings · 07/01/2016 15:51

14k is a lot of debt. How many years will it take to repay this sum and will the repayments adversely affect your annual budget meaning that you'll have to go without certain items, or scrimp and save to pay it off?

What do you have to show for this sum? Wall to wall big screen plasma tvs, his'n'hers iphones & pads, racks of designer clothes, or memories of holidays at home and abroad?

While these particular debts have been consolidated, what guarantee do you have that he won't simply acquire more credit cards and rack up more?

mjamesm111 · 07/01/2016 15:51

From a mans point of view..
Perhaps he just didnt want to worry you and thought he could sort the problem out on his own. I have done a similar thing before,it wasn't to be deceitful in any way. I didn't want my partner to have to worry.

cailindana · 07/01/2016 15:53

James - IMO trying to excuse lying by implying it was done out of care for a partner is the lowest of the low.

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