Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

children don't want me

(27 Posts)
LallyGirl230 Thu 07-Jan-16 13:43:40

I am recently remarried to a wonderful man who is everything l ever wanted after a very unhappy marriage, my ex and l have 5 children together 2 are married but the others aged 20 18 and 16 live with their dad (their choice not mine) l have tried to see them and speak to them but they refuse all contact and my 20 year old has threatened violence if l don't leave them alone he says they are all happy and better off without me. l am heart broken because I love them all and l thought we had a close relationship before me and their dad separated. There is a lot of interference from their dads mother and his brothers and sisters as they all live close by. My own family are no help because even though they know how tough things were for me they think l should have stayed even though l had been hospitalized twice during my marriage through severe depression l know in my heart that if l had stayed l would have ended my life as the pressure of living in the circumstances l was
in were too great. l think some people would think it is selfish to want to be happy but l came to realise you only have one life. Please know l did try for years to make my marriage work and it wasn't an easy decision to leave.

FredaMayor Thu 07-Jan-16 14:10:00

OP, I have sent you a PM smile

SongBird16 Thu 07-Jan-16 14:19:41

Were you in a relationship with your new husband while you were still married to your exdh?

FredaMayor Thu 07-Jan-16 14:49:02

Songbird from what OP has said pressure came from clinical depression and suicidal thoughts. OP tried to make the marriage work but felt she had to leave despite the lack of support from her family.

LallyGirl230 Thu 07-Jan-16 16:06:12

No l was separated from my ex h before l met my new h

LallyGirl230 Thu 07-Jan-16 16:08:23

To FredaMayor and Songbird sorry if my replies take a while l am totally new to mumsnet

springydaffs Thu 07-Jan-16 16:18:39

Sadly, op, you may not get a good hearing for this on MN. A great number of 'children' (adult children) on MN have cut contact with parent/s bcs of abuse and can find it difficult to see things from the parents perspective.

It sounds to me your ex and his family have turned your children against you. Your family are not supportive, so all your children have ever seen and lived through is everyone against you - effectively turned you into the scapegoat.

You have my sympathy. It is truly agonising to be in your position and there is very little sympathy for it too, making it doubly isolating. Is your husband supportive?

Have you done the Freedom Programme or any work around what you experienced in your marriage?

LallyGirl230 Thu 07-Jan-16 16:44:36

Thankyou for your kind words my husband is amazing and very caring l didn't know there were any programs like that but l will definitely look into it.

TheGirlFromIpanema Thu 07-Jan-16 17:01:10

Is it just the 3 younger ones who don't want to have anything to do with you, or the two older ones (and their spouses) too?

Lweji Thu 07-Jan-16 17:06:01

What exactly are they angry with you for? Leaving your husband? How long ago was that?
Do you think your depression may have affected how you related to them?
Why would one threaten you to leave them alone? That is odd.

FredaMayor Thu 07-Jan-16 17:08:15

OP, how did your DC respond during the times when you were unwell?

TheoriginalLEM Thu 07-Jan-16 17:12:30

It sounds like your ex and his family may have poisoned your children against you and that is so very sad.

I would suggest writing them all a letter explaining why you had to leave, about your depression (which they will understand is an illness and not a choice) and that you will always love them and your door will always be open to them. It will be hard for them to understand why you left but hopefully one day they will come round.

Sadly, i think it is all you can do.

I cannot see why the OP would get a hard time, after all this forum is full of people saying LTB if you are not happy and rightly so!

I am glad you finally found a decent man

FredaMayor Thu 07-Jan-16 17:13:53

Lweji, IME insults and threats are common in this kind of situation where there is an acrimonious break up of the marriage and the DC become involved. It may be that a DC feels they have to take sides to show loyalty to the parent they are living with, or they may be lashing out in frustration (however destructive it may be) at the parent who has left, blaming them for the situation.

LallyGirl230 Thu 07-Jan-16 17:26:12

To thefirlfrompanema
It is all my children including the spouses

LallyGirl230 Thu 07-Jan-16 17:29:56

Writing them a letter is a good idea l will do that l always send birthday /Christmas cards but l don't think they get them as l think ex h intercepts all mail .

LallyGirl230 Thu 07-Jan-16 17:35:55

Lwej
They are angry because l left their dad even though he was never there when they were growing up they just can't understand that l could be happy with someone else and because they have been told so many poisonous things about me (which are untrue) l guess my depression could have affected the way l was I was with them.

springydaffs Thu 07-Jan-16 17:56:53

Try Stand Alone (support groups for those estranged from family) and Down the Rabbit Hole support site for parents estranged from their children.

springydaffs Thu 07-Jan-16 18:11:58

Down the Rabbit Hole is a bit weird tbf - sorry, not a good recommendation. But she discusses the issue at length which at least flags up that the whole estranged adult children thing is not unique

springydaffs Thu 07-Jan-16 20:12:20

This looks interesting.

Google 'parents estranged from children' - a lot comes up.

LallyGirl230 Thu 07-Jan-16 20:36:06

I will do that now thankyou smile

TheWhoreOfBabyliss Thu 07-Jan-16 20:42:00

flowers for you OP. You are getting a shitty rap.

ImperialBlether Thu 07-Jan-16 20:51:08

Were they talking to you when you first left home, before you met your partner?

springydaffs Thu 07-Jan-16 21:01:19

I don't think they'll hear you if you tell the truth - their allegiance is with their dad, they won't want to hear anything bad about him (even if it's true).

If you fudge the truth about him it's the same old same old - that's probably what you did when they were children in order to protect them, so they never got to see what he was really like. All they saw was you half dead and him strong and sprightly.

It is desperately unfair.

Boomerwang Thu 07-Jan-16 21:04:36

Definitely needs more information... however I detect huge complications from the slight info given. My heart goes out to all of you and my only advice is that life is short, consider the way you'd like things to be if you were on your deathbed.

LallyGirl230 Thu 07-Jan-16 21:09:06

Thewhoreofbabyliss thankyou star

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now