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Retired ladies help - partner would rather go out alone

(36 Posts)
Haribogirl Thu 07-Jan-16 13:34:48

After problems in our 13 year relationship, to which it got to very near breaking point.
Partner finally admitted he wanted us to stay together and that he loved me, and didn't want us to split(no kids) and give it at least 3 mths to get it back.

He mainly goes to the shops in the morning( as he's better at getting up than me) for food for lunch maybe tea.
So pm is usually free!

He might ask me " shall we go for lunch today" once maybe twice a week.
If we do the most were out is maybe 2 hours.

We he goes out on his own he's probably out for between 3-4 hours.
Now he's not a pub person (2 drinks max anytime) and only goes out to pub on Friday night with friend.

If I DO ask where he's been(red flag, thinks its invasion of privacy previously) he says for a coffee,shopping(shoes,clothes etc)

When he first retired this was a arguement point everyday as he would say
"Where we going today" I didn't always have the answer or sometimes I didn't won't to go anywhere just to get out of the house. This turned into a big rift between us.

So to date

Middle November was the start of 3 month trial, things are little better between us.
I still feel hurt/unhappy that he prefers to just go out with me for maybe twice a week, I feel he can't wait after lunch to get out(he hates staying in especially now he's retired) even when there shed loads to do in the house! Hoovering downstairs is his cleaning part!

I feel I can't bring this up again, as it caused many rows in the past, but I find it hurtful.

I could find things to do myself each day no problem, but then what sort of relationship would we have then?
I know he's not a DIY man, so will only ever do something for say couple hours then he as to go out(I do struggle with this)

This would feel like we just live together!

I'm I asking too much????

RedMapleLeaf Thu 07-Jan-16 13:57:48

I'm I asking too much????

What are you actually asking? confused

I can't see what he's doing wrong.

Shutthatdoor Thu 07-Jan-16 13:59:14

I can't see what he's doing wrong

Nor me

Epilepsyhelp Thu 07-Jan-16 14:02:09

He likes to leave the house every day, you think he should hang around the house and do chores because you prefer to stay in.

I think YABU. Why should he be bored stiff at home because you don't want to leave the house? Why don't you go with him all the time rather than stay in? Your argument works equally both ways. I think space isn't a bad thing in a relationship though, you wouldn't have seen him during the day while you/he were at work anyway.

PurpleWithRed Thu 07-Jan-16 14:02:10

So you live together, both retired so at home together most of the time, and he goes out alone some afternoons for 3-4 hours? I'm not sure what your problem is. Or do you feel he just doesn't want to be with you. In which case you might as well split?

littlewoollypervert Thu 07-Jan-16 14:06:13

My mum was in a situation a bit like this a few years ago - both she and my dad were retired, he had several interests (captain of pitch and putt club, did a couple of websites for non profit organisations so had meetings to do with them, liked a walk a day on his own, cycle trips on his own).

Her only interest was her children and grandchildren however when we visited she had nothing to talk about and visits were very boring and stressed (for both sides). She constantly got pissed off with my dad being out and about (she had no interest in cycling or pitch and putt so couldn't join him)

She did a bit of therapy and now - she volunteers for the Old Folks association, the Credit Union, and is a member of the ICA (equivalent to WI) and the Active Retirement Association. She and my dad go out for lunch together a couple of times a week and have about 5 evenings a week together in the house, plus about 3-4 days.

They are both much happier. Are you perhaps putting a lot of pressure on your husband because you feel he should want to be with only you all the time? If you had other things going on in your life perhaps you and he would then actively want to spend time together in between?

FaFoutis Thu 07-Jan-16 14:13:31

I hate being asked where I have been and like going out on my own. I hope my DH continues to accept this when we retire.

I see a lot of older couples wandering about with nothing to say to each other, that looks grim to me. Follow your own interests and have a nice time going out with your dh twice a week - it sounds perfect.

TheBunnyOfDoom Thu 07-Jan-16 14:25:40

Why don't you go out and do something on your own as well? Why should he spend his retirement in the house hoovering? Yes, he should do his fair share, but if you have no children at home, you can't be making that much mess, surely?

Don't you ever ask him to do something?

Haribogirl Thu 07-Jan-16 15:16:52

Thank you for your replies

I think I'm like this because at the start of his retirement he had nothing to do! And was always saying to me " where shall we go"
And now he's found his confidence to do things alone, I feel I've been used and dropped.
If I've had something to do in past(a class) and he's said lets go for lunch I've cancelled it for him.

I don't like to stay in, only if I've really nothing todo or go.

I don't go with him, because it's obvious he wants to go alone, and asks does he need to pick anything up from shops.

I just ask where he's been for us to talk conversation really, maybe it's because that's what I do. Oh I went to ...... I did .......

I do do things on my own, perhaps not enough I will look into something else to do.

I just think back to what it was like at first when he retired, to what it is now
We used to do everything (well almost) together.

Suppose it adjusting now.

Newyearnewme2016 Thu 07-Jan-16 15:21:43

Are you retired yourself?

I can't really see the problem either. When he retired he said, what are we doing today? But you didn't want to go out much. So now he goes out on his own and you don't like it. Is that right?

I hate staying in myself so I would be the same as him if I retired.

Newyearnewme2016 Thu 07-Jan-16 15:22:51

I'm a bit confused. What do you actually want from him?

RedMapleLeaf Thu 07-Jan-16 15:30:30

So you feel a little resentful that he's going out and doing things without you because you envisaged retirement differently?

TheBunnyOfDoom Thu 07-Jan-16 15:37:19

I think he probably felt a bit like he was relying on your for entertainment, so found his own things to do. Maybe he felt bad that you cancelled your plans for him, so made his own entertainment so you wouldn't have to.

I don't understand why you don't ask him to do something. Or just get ready and go out with him anyway - maybe he assumes you don't want to join him because you've never offered to?

Asskicker Thu 07-Jan-16 15:46:06

So he was relying on you to plan the days and now he isn't.

OP me and dh both work from home for the first year it was great. We saw more of each other. Now I can't wait for him to go out, or wait to go out myself.

I love him dearly, but I don't want to spend all day every day with one person.

I am not surprised that after while of both being at home he wants time to himself. As you say he has now got the confidence to just go out to wonder around. That's a good thing

You cancelling something to have lunch with him isn't comparable.

He wants a few hours in his own a couple of times a week.

Besides which, you chose to cancel. You could have said 'not today I am doing xyz'

RedMapleLeaf Thu 07-Jan-16 15:49:06

So he was relying on you to plan the days and now he isn't.

Or perhaps he was hoping to spend time with her and when this didn't happen he went out and got a social life anyway.

springydaffs Thu 07-Jan-16 15:52:50

I'm surprised at the responses so far. Because the way I read it is he's secretive about where he goes, which is odd.

All you want is to chat about where he's been, what he's done, but he clams up and it leads to an argument. That seems odd to me.

It also seems unnecessary that you cancelled classes when he wanted to go out with you - but perhaps that was bcs he was newly retired and at a loose end and you wanted to support him. Perhaps you feel you made sacrifices to support him and now he's found his wings you are no longer useful to him - hence you feeling you've been dropped.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. It looks like he's only interested in you when you're useful to him.

Your difficulties may also be you both adjusting to retirement.

Asskicker Thu 07-Jan-16 15:55:52

Very possible red

Asskicker Thu 07-Jan-16 15:57:39

springy at no point has the op mentioned she doesn't trust him.

I read it as he is vague because he just goes out. Not to do anything in particular.

Personally I don't like being questioned in detail about where I have been, in detail. The most you would get from me is 'town'

RedMapleLeaf Thu 07-Jan-16 16:03:54

Yes, I think some people just like a bit of privacy or unaccountability.

springydaffs Thu 07-Jan-16 16:08:54

I don't think I was referring to trust Ass, lack of or otherwise.

Just odd to go your seperate ways and not chat about it, what you did, what you saw etc. It's odd to me but we're all different.

Op, i'd find it odd to not chat about our day. I'd not want to be with someone like that. No accounting for taste.

Asskicker Thu 07-Jan-16 16:26:18

springy I see what you mean. But if dh didn't give me a run down of his where about a, I wouldn't see it as secretive. Because I trust him, iyswim.

I wouldn't feel he was trying to hide it or keep it from me, just that he didn't feel like sharing details of his day.

Some people, like the op (and my mum) are detail orientated. Some of us are not. It did drive my mum to distraction when I was younger but she now just gets that it's the way I am.

Asskicker Thu 07-Jan-16 16:28:48

Oh and we do chat about our day. But only the main bits.

I wouldn't make a point of saying which shops I had been in or what I had at costas.

offside Thu 07-Jan-16 16:35:58

I agree with Red. Your post reads that you were reluctant to go out every time your DH asked, and so it now appears that instead of feeling let down, he will just make his own enjoyment and find something to do on his own.

My ILS are similar. My FIL works away Monday to Friday but at weekend he will go off and do his own thing because he likes to explore and my MIL doesn't. She is happy with this arrangement as she doesn't want to hold him back so she works or potters around the house. They might see one another two nights a week if they're lucky and that is literally all because of FIL work. But MIL accepts it because she knows she could go with FIL if she wanted (she doesn't have to be asked, she would just say, I'm coming with you today) but she chooses not to.

Why are you waiting for your DH to ask you to go with him? Why don't you just say "oh, I think I'll come with you today!" I don't understand why you have to wait for an invitation.

Haribogirl Thu 07-Jan-16 16:40:14

Yes I am retired
I do go out, but don't find I have to go out everyday, he HAS to hates staying in. I think you have an impressive I don't like to go out.
I do ask him to do thing/go places, sometimes !

I suppose it's planning/communication that needs to be sorted, but that way it seems it's the same routine " we go out say Tuesday,Thursday "
It takes some getting used to/hard for me, as we both have really no commitment to any days.

I don't really want anything from him, well maybe a bit more time at home to do the things that have never been got round to doing.
Like I said he will only say do 2 hours max on something, and somethings take longer than that!
So we have to get everything out again when he feels up to it, where I think carry on and get the job done.

As I've said it is quite clear HE wANTS TO GO ALONE, unless he says
" we'll go for lunch today" then I know he wants to spend time with me.

Don't get me wrong perhaps I've not explained myself properly (sorry)
I do like me time, couldn't stand it 24/7
But perhaps not 2 days us
5 days himself.

I took it that I wasn't questioning him!
Just chatting about the day, I went zxy it's just something to talk about
That's the ways I saw it.

Anyway it's given me something to look at, other peoples insight into what they do with their time together in a relationship.

Asskicker Thu 07-Jan-16 16:50:39

Mum said that when she and dad retired it was like a different marriage.

It took some getting used to. Both having no routine. Wanting to do things differently.

Mum likes to rush through things and get sat down. Dad likes to take his time.

Dad ended up getting a part time job because he couldn't cope at being at home with no routine and no where he had to go.

It takes a lot of readjustment. I have had a taste since we both work together and it's not easy to settle into a new normal. Especially when have different ideas of what you want.

It does sound like you have a lot of time to spend together, though. You said in your op it's twice a week. That's not a huge amount

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