Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Frustrated from lack of sex.(65 Posts)
Good morning all!
I'm trying to put this across without looking like a selfish ass.
I'm 31 years old, married with 2 children(both boys). I've been married for the past 6 years and generally I love it. My Wife and children mean the world to me.
Being blunt, I LOVE sex and everything that comes with it. I enjoy being with my Wife, trying new things and seeing her receive pleasure from it. I'm very open minded when it comes to sex and happy to try new things, my Wife not so much but I understand that and respect her boundaries.
Now for the past year or possibly 2 there's been a lack of sex and even if we do have it, I'm ALWAYS the one who has to "make the move" or ask for it. It feels pathetic having to ask the Wife for sex(sounds even more pathetic writing it on a forum!).
We've discussed sex in the past and I mentioned that we don't have it very much then for the next week or 2 it changes and we have more sex but then it slips back into where we are now.
This is where it becomes sad, I've been counting the days since we last had sex which was on 19th Dec, I've tried several times and have been met with an excuse every time. Now I feel I just don't want to bother trying any more, I don't want to feel like I'm pressuring someone to have sex. I think my Wife is oblivious to this. She knows I have a high sex drive but just doesn't see the frustration. I've considered talking to a Dr about it? Not sure if they have something that could calm my libido down a bit?
Now don't get me wrong we're both busy people, me being self employed and my Wife working 2 days a week and then looking after the kids the rest of the time. She sorts their schedule, cooks, tidies(we do have a cleaner though who does the house every so often) which I can't argue with as it's also hard work.
I'm guessing there could be a million reasons for it without directly discussing it with her again but just looking for your thoughts on this as I imagine it's a fairly common topic.
Also I want to know If I'm just being selfish to want more sex, on average I would probably get it once every 1-2 weeks. When I do these days it feels like she wants it over with quickly.
Anyway I hope to hear your thoughts!
I understand your frustrations, I'd feel the same, especially if I thought my partner was doing it out of duty only.
You need to talk with her, really talk and explain how it makes you feel, not sure what else to advise as it sounds like you've tried this already.
Sex once a week or even once a fortnight isn't so bad for a long term relationship, at least it's regular rather than intermittent.
If she's not wanting it more than that then you will have to accept that and use your own means of release.
You need couples counselling.
It's handy enough to look to clarify the issues on the Internet, but don't waste your time here.
You and your wife need to figure this out, or I can't see your marriage lasting.
Thanks for your reply Jan.
I guess you answered part of my question as I wasn't really sure if once or twice every 1-2 weeks was normal.
Thank you again.
VenusRising - I assumed this was going to be the answer I got but was just trying to see if there's others with the same issue.
It feels like I'm saying "I need sex or it's over", It's just sex right? Are relationships built on sex? Trying to work out if I'm being really selfish but even going down this route.
I think you should talk to your wife. Don't however present yourself as the victim. Be prepared to listen and accept what she tells you. You may have to get used to longer periods of not having sex. Looking after young children doesn't always put you in the mood for shagging.
I will have a chat, I'm totally ready for blunt honesty from her. You know I'd rather hear that than sit in frustration not knowing why.
How old are your DC? If they are not yet both in school, I don't think 2-4 times per month is a particularly low frequency.
It sounds like the frequency has decreased since your youngest was born, is that right? Surely you must have realised this would happen?
A recent study found that having sex more than once a week does not make couples any happier.
Having young children is hard work, a passion killer if there ever was one. I agree with you that sex should be part of the package of a loving relationship, but it needs to be worked at, and communicated about. Keep talking. But not pressurising. Btw i think 1 or 2 times a week is fairly normal.
I have exactly the same problem mate.
It's a very depressing and painful place to be. It feels like you have no value anymore and you're just there to be a caretaker / security guard / housemate.
I had sex with my wife twice in six years after our second was born. I tried several times to discuss the matter sensitively and giving her plenty of space, but it always ended in excuses and an argument. We'd make up, things would improve for a week (though with no great enthusiasm from the other half) then gradually drift back to no contact whatsoever.
I persisted in trying (and to be clear here, with loving touches, kisses, cuddles and intimacy generally NOT just sex) but nothing was reciprocated. In the end, like you I just gave up (and she's not questioned it at any point, which makes it worse).
I wrote her a letter to lay-out my feelings more clearly, rationally and avoiding the face-to-face confrontation and hoped my re-affirmation of love commitment to her would improve things. It didn't. In fact, I think she resents my doing it to this day.
So, I muddle along in my loveless marriage wondering what to do next, as I can't live like this forever. Thinking about Relate counselling next, but I know my wife just sees that as one step from divorce.
My first child is in school now but my 2nd has just turned 2 but really good natured currently and does his own thing. Yes I did realise things would be tough.
ordinaryman - Sounds tough mate! I also thought about the letter thing but haven't done down that path just yet. Thanks for replying by the way, gave me some sort of perspective on things.
Hope things improve for you
Thanks for the reply expatinscotland.
I will and HAVE spoken to her, I was just looking for others opinions, forums are generally for talking to others about related topics. Seeing as I put this on the "relationships" board as it is about a relationship I was looking for others opinions if I was asking for too much from my Wife and if others were in the same scenario. Cheers though!
What does she say when you broach the subject with her? Do things generally improve then tail off or does she respond differently?
She does listen and things improve for a week or two but then tails off as you said. It also feels slightly like she's doing it because she has to after we've had a chat.
I have never felt more swamped than I do currently with a 4yo (still in preschool) and a 14mo. I work four days a week (shifts). DH is incredibly hands on, he and I are equal in terms of kids and housework.
Yet I still struggle to keep my eyes open after 9pm and even more so to do anythibg more thab watch a box set in bed.
We are averaging once a week/to ten days and whilst im sure he wouldnt turn down more (!) he seems perfectly content.
For me, my mind doesnt stop whirring with stuff to do, what shift am I on tomorrow,what have we got in for dinner, shit I forgot to buy milk for breakfast. I cannot switch that off, and it is a big big barrier to relaxing enough into sex.
Could it simply be that at the moment she is the busiest she has ever been (physically and mentally) and that she finds it difficult to switch that Mum Mode off?
my 2nd has just turned 2 but really good natured currently and does his own thing
I have to question how much a 2yr old can "do their own thing"!
Do you regularly take over with the kids to allow your W some peace and quiet on her own? EG do you do bath and bed every day, school runs, meals, general tidying up, laundry, etc? Do you and your W both have an equal amount of time totally to yourselves?
What about trying to making reconnecting sexually into a game? There are loads of ways to do this.
Eg. cut up some paper into playing card size. say about 10 or so each. Each of you write on it something intimate that you enjoy doing. Maybe say half of each of yours should be "something I like to do to my partner" and half should be "something I like my partner to do to me".
This should be "intimate" in it's widest sense - so can range from full on sexual activity, blow jobs, oral sex to a massage, cuddle or spooning in bed for an hour's nap with no sex and so on. You should make clear to your wife when you do your writing on the cards that it can be anything intimate like massages etc but it should be as specific as possible and if appropriate a reasonable time limit (eg. back massage for half an hour).
Agree to schedule two specified times a week that suits you both and you have time together, to pick a card and just do it, whatever it is. Ideally, it takes the pressure off, becomes a bit of fun and will help you to reconnect sexually. You should agree though (and you'll need to abide by this rule religiously) that the purpose is to reconnect intimately and that you won't press for sex after any of the non-sexual activities. So if she wants a back massage, unless she is up for sex afterwards and initiatiates it, you don't treat it as a green light to "have a go".
Hopefully after doing this for a three or four weeks you'll reconnect with her emotionally and physically.
Perhaps it would be useful for her to define the problem. Eg is it fear of unwanted pregnancy, low sex drive (due to being knackered, due to just simply not wanting to or due to what?), illness, resentment of another part of the relationship/household matters etc. Once you know the reason you have more chance of making some progress. Although if she just doesn't want to with no definable reason then it will be much harder. But overall, if you managed to fit sex in 2-4 times a month with such a young family and all the responsibilities and tasks that go with it, you are doing quite well.
Sex can often seem like a chore when you've got young children to tend to and work thrown in to the mix. I agree that she shouldn't be having sex out a 'duty' to you and neither is it fair on you that she treats sex as a chore just to tide things over until your next chat.
It comes down to whether or not she is actively willing to work on this with you. Have you suggested couples counselling to her? As unpopular a view as it may be on these boards, I think there is only so long this type of situation can go un-remedied. A good relationship is not built on sex but on the ability of those involved to work together and communicate effectively. Sex once every 1-2 weeks doesn't actually seem that bad but I understand that for someone with a high sex-drive it can seem like life-times in-between, especially so if she's only doing it to appease you when she does.
What do you actually want to come from this? Are other areas of your relationship generally good?
Haha does sound a lot like our lives. Her mind sounds a lot like yours, always thinking about what's to do next, that could be possibly it. Buying milk isn't a very sexy subject is it?
pocketsaviour - too true! Although we've been extremely lucky with our youngest, he does need attention.
I do help whenever I can, I always make sure I put one of my children to bed at night. Favourite part of the day reading them a story!
I do try my best where ever I can after I finish work but I probably could do more If I plan it right.
Really appreciate the replies, it's giving me perspective of what I'm asking!
We were very similar to you with small children. We spoke and agreed that once a week was us both compromising slightly.
If dh asked me if I wanted an early night at say 10pm it was out of the blue and I was tired/not in the mood. So what we do now during the day. Can be any day is rather blunty message each other (can be me or him) is ask fancy a bit later? This then gives time for other flirty messages during the day and also knowing to factor it into my evening. Sounds quite clinical/organised but it works much better for us it being pre arranged rather than spontaneous. That's not to say it never is spontaneous sometimes too.
I know that you are looking for an answer, OP, but I feel that you are still looking in the wrong place if you're seeking a win win for both you and your wife.
You need professional help to find that win win.
Posting on here and being snippy with those of us who say "talk to your wife" makes me think you are being quite a dick, and your wife's reluctance to have sex with you is entirely reasonable, if this is your predominant style of communication at home.
You need to talk with her, in a counselling environment, with time frames for agreed upon negotiated agreements.
Trying to find blokes / similars on MN who's 'wives don't understand them' either isn't going to move you forward, rather entrench you in your "poor me" victim hood.
Again, book a counselling session or two and book babysitters in and listen and talk with your wife. You might hear something surprising!
I'm not coming back to this thread, so no thanks needed.
Hi - I am in the same boat, despite being a middle aged woman....it is me that is supposed to go off sex, isn't it?
I always thought it was me, because the pill suppresses my libido, and I only ever wanted sex during the week off. However, since coming off it and finding out what libido really is, I discovered that OH is not really all that up for it I now take oral hrt for other matters and it dampens things somewhat (see SHBG) but I can see that is not an option for you . He is also on various drugs at the moment (and probably will be for the foreseeable) so can't see it improving.
It is swings and roundabouts - sometimes it is worth the wait. Sometimes I feel like shit and unwanted as my sexuality is a huge part of me. I think this is going to be long-term so I need to find new ways of defining myself.
The only way is to talk about it in a non-threatening way at a time when it is not important so that tempers do not flare, and when you are both relaxed and positive. Not easy, but possible.
In my low libido state, I still liked non 'threatening' physical contact. Have you thought about taking up massage - do a proper course. Dance is also good for expression and using your body in a new way. Doing something together that you can talk about is useful too - cinema, singing, sailing, new hobby - it gives you other connections.
At the end of the day, you can't make people what you want them to be - you just have to love them the way they are.
Hi, its good to hear that you are looking for ways to improve your lives, so that there is space and room for the sexual part of your lives again.
'I do help whenever I can'.
Does that mean the other partner just has to 'do .... everything else and doesn't have any '.
Easy to see how having sex becomes just another task.....how often does she get a break, the kind of break you get when you are working, talking with adults etc.
What could you do about that? I'm not suggesting a hotel with finally no kids, as you would expect sex and its possible that she would be thinking, yayyyy, finally get to sleep.
Another thing to consider, is why this is so important to you. Yes, I get it, we all like good sex but are you making it mean more? Are you even jealous of your children needing/getting more attention? What could you do to boost your self esteem other than sex?
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.