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Just need some advice!

(11 Posts)
NorthernBird92 Thu 07-Jan-16 00:13:16

Hey ladies this is my first post so please bear with my blabbering smile

So my husbands a soldier and we have a beautiful nearly 9 month old baby. I know the life I married into the travelling ect so that's not the problem ... My husband is...

His attitude stinks... He speaks to me like he is a stroppy teenager. He's arrogant and very passive aggressive. And just so unappreciative.

We have just moved 300 miles away from family for this new job role he was desperate for. I packed up the house and moved again to a place I don't know and I don't know a soul.
I have literally no friends the only person I have to talk to is my mum.
His mums a bitch (this is the argument we have had tonight).
I need to know if anyone else thinks I have a point.
Our daughter is her first and only grandchild and the only girl in her family. Before Xmas MIL arranged a 'family meal' invited her neighbors , other sons girlfriends everyone but wouldn't allow our daughter to come!! Originally our baby was invited but a few weeks before it was said she wasn't as they wanted to enjoy the meal!!! I was furious still am and refused to go and talked my hubby into not going. She also never rings or asks to Skype. Never asks to come down or takes up invites to come down. My husband rings her and she will ask hubby about him and work ect and he has to say oh baby's ok and doing this and that.
To me I find that disgusting!!! My family ring daily or every few days depending on the family member to ask about baby but she just doesn't bother. She talks over me to other people when I speak to her when I'm at her house and is just an utter bitch!
But hubby says it's my fault she's like this as I refused to go to the meal baby wasn't invited to.
I understand people want to enjoy a meal ect but a big deal was made that it was a family Xmas meal the sons girlfriends who are not very long relationships and neighbors could go but not my baby!
Am I being irrational about this?
up until a few weeks ago I would ring MIL and send her photos take baby to see her arrange days out ect, but tonight I've said to hubby I'm hurt by the fact she doesn't bother and want her to make an effort.
He simply blamed me saying it's because I wouldn't go to the family meal so I've annoyed her. I said he needs to stop sticking up for his mum as if it was my mum he would voice his opinion to me. In the end he said if I want to leave him go!!
Which has really upset me. He goes away in a few days for 2 months (MIL won't contact me at all during this time to ask about baby) and I hate that he's falling out with me over it.
All I want is for baby to have a bond with MIL but I feel asif I'm doing all the work and I don't want to anymore!!!
Like I said sorry about the long post I just need some advice xx

Pocketrocket31 Thu 07-Jan-16 00:31:35

You need to 4get about MIL & realise this is about DH. You and the baby should be his priority. If he won't make the situation better for you then leave him... Hanging onto mummy's apron strings come r&r. He needs to man up & stand his ground about family meals etc

NickiFury Thu 07-Jan-16 00:34:37

You can't make your MIL bond with your baby and I wouldn't waste your energy trying.

YANBU at all. Family meal but NOT her only grand child? Fuck that!

choceclair123 Thu 07-Jan-16 00:53:31

No you're not over reacting at all! I would feel the same if I actually had even one family member who had any contact whatsoever with my lg

Your husband should be supporting you. I think most husband's would be upset at their baby not being included. Your DH needs to grow a pair and sort his mummy out!

Awful what he said to you about just going if you want to... thanks

NorthernBird92 Thu 07-Jan-16 01:02:49

pocketrocket31 Thankyou that's exactly how I feel! I have told him the way he makes me feel I want to leave him and he just tells me to leave because he knows I can't, I've no job nowhere to move to ect so he's very cocky about that!

NickiFury exactly my point I ain't gunna go if baby can't go! How dare she! Every man and his dog but not her grandchild!

choceclair123 it's really hurt my feeling tonight for some reason! It fucks me off that at the drop of a hat I move all around the world for him...sit waiting months for him to come home ...cook his tea sort the finances basically wipe his Arse for him I bring up his mum and he's like just go if u wanna go. He's currently in bed and I'm sat downstairs by myself! Moving around all the times it's so hard to hold on to friends and like I said I've noone except me mum and I don't like moaning about dh to my mum! So sorry if I bore you girlies xxxx

Figwin Thu 07-Jan-16 08:15:09

Is there any way you could stay with your mum or a friend as an initial place to leave to if you go?

scarednoob Thu 07-Jan-16 08:31:43

I agree with you: I would be v hurt at her lack of interest. My mum died before DD was born, and it hurts every single day thinking of what she is missing and how much she would have loved her. Christmas was the hardest of all. Your MIL has it and doesn't seem to value it. So no, I don't think you are being unreasonable.

However I agree completely with PP's that the real issue is with your DH. What part of "for better or for worse" did he not hear? It does he think he made those vows to his mother?! It's great when a man loves and respects his family, but not when it's at your expense when they are clearly in the wrong. I think you need a proper chat with him and he needs to approach it like a grown up married father, not a boy getting mad in the playground about a "yo mama" joke.

Hassled Thu 07-Jan-16 08:35:53

Where was the family meal - are we talking a posh quiet restaurant where a baby really wouldn't have been appropriate? Are they of the "children should be seen and not heard" generation?

Pocketrocket31 Thu 07-Jan-16 08:49:06

Of course you could leave. Not saying it would be easy. But you could. I would look into how and then maybe make him aware of that, if he knows you've got options it might be enough to make him make some changes.

IsItIorAreTheOthersCrazy Thu 07-Jan-16 09:40:26

Firstly, stop trying to force your MIL to be like your mum. She isn't interested and you can't make this bond happen. And that is not your DPs fault.
Also, yes, I think you're being irrational about the meal. If it was an adults only meal in a naice place, taking a baby wouldn't have been appropriate. (I have arranged similar meals / evenings out for birthdays etc - no one has ever been offended at the idea of a child free evening)!

Secondly, your DP is an arse. You are not there to be told to 'go.' May I suggest that while he's gone, you look into costs of living on your own near your family, what sort of jobs would be available, how much maintenance he would have to pay and what benefits you would be entitled to. You don't have to do anything with this information, but at least then you'll know your options and can tell him about them when he next tells you to leave. I'm betting he'll be very surprised to know that waiting around for him isn't your only option.

Thirdly, your DP needs to realise that since he became a dad, YOU and your DC are his family. Your feelings should matter more to him than his mums, however, if you call his mother a bitch to him, he is going to feel that he needs to defend her. Don't slate her, just be factual - "I am upset because ....," - keep the focus on your feelings

NorthernBird92 Thu 07-Jan-16 11:21:29

Thanks for your replies ....
Staying with a friend or my mum not really I'd have to kind of go it alone and with no income of my own it's a bit scary and if I'm honest I don't really want to leave him. He is a twat but I married him because I love him and promised to stand by him through good and bad.....I've had 'chats' with him and like I say he says it's my fault or huffs and puffs and doesn't listen. I slept in the spare room last night, this morning we were very frosty. He said my attitude when I spoke to him last night was bad. Tbh completely honest I wasn't I was really calm and tried to sound as kind as possible.
The meal was at a family friendly food pub. Like I say baby was originally invited we had to preorder meal as it was an Xmas menu. I sat and discussed what I wanted as if share with baby. She even said she would make sure they had a highchair. For weeks baby was coming then one day we've booked the meal....your mum will baby sit won't she as we haven't booked baby in we want everyone to enjoy the meal!!!!
Cheeky bitch it originally was just baby me dh mil fil both brothers in law going to meal then as neighbors were invited baby wasn't!!
I'm not going to bother with her anymore! When we do go back up home to visit family I won't be going to visit her! If she doesn't want to visit us down here or even bloody call she can naff off!!
And that's how I speak to him this has hurt my feelings or I'm upset by and it makes no bloody difference! Xx

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