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What does it feel like to really feel Loved?

(14 Posts)
VaticanAssassin Wed 06-Jan-16 23:25:44

This isn't a self wallowing post.
DH has always been quite closed, and only speaks feelings when it seems like they should be said, ie- as a response to me, or DCs.
I've noticed so much, DS is a carbon copy of him, DS has ASD.

I'm just drained. It feels shit to feel unloved day to day. Recently we had a bad argument and I said "this really isn't working. I'm tired, feel like your housemate not your wife. would you even care if we weren't together anymore?! "
And he said "I've got over worse I think. I wouldn't sit and cry if that's what you mean? I'd just move out and move on".
It just feels like I might be wasting my life with someone who genuinely doesn't care.
We talk and talk, laugh, have pastimes and i love him with all my heart.
But it's hit me how awkward the relationship is. I try to cuddle and he will cuddle for a brief time, then I know he is uncomfortable and trying to squirm and edge away from me. In bed, he lays in the same position, and says he's too hot and bothered for me to touch him.
We have sex but it feels like he's doing so because he thinks he should, not because he actually wants to.
I lost 3st a year ago, am a size 10 and don't eat loads, bit when I do eat, he makes comments saying "you only ate 2 hours ago- why are you hungry again?". I suffered bulimia in my teens and feel guilty to eat agin now, if I'm full I have to get rid, and when I do he shouts to not make a mess of the bathroom.

I try to make the best of myself, but he can't compliment me, if he ever does, he says it so formally I feel embarrassed. I still say thank you but it's worse than him saying nothing.

I just read on here, and hear it from friends, how their H curls up with them to sleep, and tells them how much they mean to them.

I feel I should accept DH as he is, but o feel awful for craving feeling wrapped up and loved and wanted.
Right now I just feel useless. He says "I love you" but on some level I don't know if he knows what To Love someone feels like. I love him so fucking much, but just can't fight it all from one side. I don't feel loved. And don't know how to change it. When I mention it we argue, and he says "i try my best, if that isn't good for you I'll just go".
I don't want him to walk away, but I just want to feel loved.

Can anyone with experience in this offer any advice? I could really do with some help, thank you x

Glitter2014 Wed 06-Jan-16 23:33:15

I think it sounds as though he is who he is and maybe that will never change. Has he always been like this? When you first met was he loving and affectionate? Some men aren't great with feelings. Have you tried having a conversation about how you feel?

MarkRuffaloCrumble Wed 06-Jan-16 23:56:36

Gosh Vatican, I really feel for you. My xh was very similar. When we talked about splitting up he said that he didn't want to be divorced, that he liked our house etc. He never once mentioned ME so I asked if he even loved me or would miss me. His reply "of course, that goes without saying". Errr no mate, it doesn't!

That wasn't his only issue, but his coldness and outspoken nature was a big part of our incompatibility. I am a very sensitive and tactile person and needed to hear kind words and feel a loving touch.

Luckily I met DP shortly afterwards and he is the absolute opposite of XH, a sensitive, emotional and very touchy-feely guy; we are blissfully happy in a way that I could never have been with XH.

I know saying LTB is easy, actually doing it is harder, but if you are not getting your needs fulfilled in this relationship it is ok to think about calling time on it.


Lovehandles Thu 07-Jan-16 00:07:54

OP and Mark Ruffalo this sounds exactly like my DH and we are in the process of separating... it is painful but I just didn't think he could ever change enough to make me happy flowers

MarkRuffaloCrumble Thu 07-Jan-16 00:16:17

No, mine even said as much, like your OP - I can't change, this is who I am, you have unrealistic expectations etc.

It's not unrealistic to want to feel cherished. I know you say you love him, but actually he doesn't make you happy.

VaticanAssassin Thu 07-Jan-16 00:52:25

Thank you all for replying smile I just feel really low and tired at the moment. Just trying to work out if I can carry on like this, I don't think I can as it is

Stormyrainbow Thu 07-Jan-16 06:47:56

My ex DP was similar. I felt like I had to beg just for a morning or evening hug. He used to say things like 'you know what you signed up for with me, I'm just not a very affectionate person'. He occasionally would be affectionate first and it would take me off guard a little! As you said about the comments about eating, I also received those sometimes about my portion size or eating too many carbs. It was tiresome as I'm happy and confident with how I look but he's actually made me question those things about myself.

I used to get frustrated and think can I put up with this forever. I loved him (and still do love him) but I felt like I was always more into the relationship than he was. I knew he loved and cared about me but I don't think he ever believed he would spend the rest of his life with me. We broke up after 4.5 years a few months ago and it's still incredibly painful.

I wonder whether he'll meet someone and be incredibly affectionate and non critical, maybe I just wasn't the right person for him? Or if he'll never change and maybe I've dodged a bullet in regards to my long term happiness. I'd love to meet a man this year who loves me, and to quote Bridget Jones, just the way I am. Or maybe I'm living in lala land and this doesn't exist?

ravenmum Thu 07-Jan-16 08:26:56

Did I understand it right that you are bulimic, and when you make yourself vomit he is concerned only about the bathroom, and later suggests that you are eating too much?

You say you should accept him as he is. It's right that it is not fair to change people or expect them to change. So accept that he is what he is, and don't blame him for it if you leave to find something else. It's not his fault, it's not your fault, you are just not suited.

MoMoTy Thu 07-Jan-16 08:31:28

It sounds like it's just who he is, the fundamental person he is won't be able to satisfy what you need from him. Life really is too short to feel unhapp like this when you can change it.

CrazyBaubles Thu 07-Jan-16 10:35:56

I think there are 2 parts to this.

With affection, there are some things you cannot change and it's only fair to compromise (for me and DH, he doesn't like kissing for very long but I enjoy it. He likes falling asleep cuddled up but I need space or I can't sleep. We acknowledge the difference - we kiss but not for long, we cuddle in bed then separate to go to sleep). Neither of us are going to change but we've found a way to keep us both happy.
He isn't ever going to be a touchy feely guy who declares his love.

However, he could make more of an effort if he wanted to. He could tell you how he shows love so you know - you may want him to tell you, he may be thinking 'but every day I do the school run/cook tea/ clean the kitchen because I love you' and its miscommunication. But he will only do this if it matters to him that you feel loved and appreciated.

Also, what he says about you being in the bathroom is disgusting, and I'm concerned that you are associating how you look with how much he loves you. There is no connection there so please get help with your eating and tell your DH that it is a medical condition and to either show concern for you or say nothing!

goldierocks Thu 07-Jan-16 11:22:57

Hello OP......I've not long exited a very long abusive marriage (20+ years).

I did lots of reading and found something which might be of interest to you. Even though it couldn't help with my marriage, it certainly helped me relate to other people in a more positive way.

The book is called The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman.

The gist is that people show love for others in the way they prefer to receive love back, however not everyone is capable of reading the signs or acting in a reciprocal way. Chapman suggests that peoples' love languages do not change over time, but instead develop and need to be nurtured in different ways.

People tend to naturally give love in the way that they prefer to receive love. Chapman suggests that peoples' love languages do not change over time, but instead develop and need to be nurtured in different ways.

Words of Affirmation - Expressing affection through spoken affection, praise, or appreciation. This type of person can easily say they love you, but sometimes their actions do not match the words.

Acts of Service - Actions, rather than words, are used to show and receive love. E.g. preparing food/always doing household chores the other person hates without being nagged into it.

Receiving Gifts - This type of person prefers to show their love by giving presents. Not always a grand gesture, sometimes it can be an "I saw this and thought of you" present (like a bar of your favourite chocolate).

Quality Time - Expressing affection with undivided, undistracted attention. This person will stop what they are doing to have a conversation with you rather than try to multi-task and talk to you at the same time.

Physical Touch - Every kind of touch from sex to holding hands/hugs. With this love language, the speaker feels affection through physical touch. They perceive the lack of physical touch as an indicator that the other person does not love them back to the same degree.

Chances are, you can relate to a few of these. Maybe you relate to all of them. But most of us have one or two that are much more important to us than the others; it’s different for everyone. Your husband clearly doesn't have Physical Touch on his radar at all, where it is very important to you. This doesn't make one of you right and the other wrong, it's just you are different.

Does your husband display his love and affection for you in any other ways? Looking at the list, could your husband be expressing his love for you differently? If not, then I think life is too short. You don't have to spend your life in a relationship that does not make you happy.

I've learned that my way of expressing love is very different to other people (I'm talking about family members) . I don't receive their love back in the same way I show it, but I recognise now that I get shown love in the way that feels appropriate/comfortable for them.

Good luck flowers

Jan45 Thu 07-Jan-16 11:31:20

How depressing, are you sure he is indeed straight?
I'd not stay in this, you feel unloved because he doesn't show you any affection and as for his comment about you splitting up, that would have done it for me - he sounds completely emotionless and frankly uncaring. You'd be better off staying friends and find yourself a man that will value you.

VaticanAssassin Fri 08-Jan-16 17:52:01

Thank you so much for everyone's advice flowers flowers

I'm sorry I haven't been back, my head is a bit messed up at the moment and feel totally useless and lonely at home.

I'm working through it as best I can, and still don't know what the outcome will be. I'm going to bed earlier because it's easier to just sleep and not be rejected if we go to bed together. It just feels awkward.

There's definitely no OW, and i do believe he loves me in his own way, but I'm trying to see if that can be enough. I'm still pretty young (30s) so if we have to part, I don't necessarily think I'd be alone forever. I cannot see a future with anyone else, and don't think I could love anyone like I do him.

We talked yesterday, just touching on issues that I have. I say that I have because he is shocked- and can't see what is wrong because he said he's happy, DCs are happy and the home is too- its just me that's not happy.

Thank you again for the advice I've been given, I'm going to save the replies to photo so I can come back to them again in future to help smile x

RiceCrispieTreats Fri 08-Jan-16 20:00:22

There are specialist websites and forums for partners of people with ASD. You might find some good peer support there.

In answer to your thread title, imo love and feeling loved is to know that you are accepted (the whole package, quirks and all), and supported (cheering your successes cheered, and lifting you up through your hard times).

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