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Relationship breakdown

(14 Posts)
Cantbebotheredtocutupfruit Wed 06-Jan-16 18:43:51

I dont really know where to start. After staying out all night for the third time in a week DP has text me to say he has moved out, will collect our 2 year old son from nursery and will be taking him to a friends house over night (where my DP will be living for the next 2 weeks until he sorts out somewhere more permanent). I dont know where my son is, I dont know who this friend is, DP doesnt have any clothes, bottles, toys for DS and it makes me feel sick that he will wake up in the night calling for me and I wont be there. I cant stop crying.

Marchate Wed 06-Jan-16 18:46:08

I think you need to phone police or social services, based on what you've said so far

Cantbebotheredtocutupfruit Wed 06-Jan-16 18:49:07

But he is his Dad- I cant stop him can I? I didnt go to the nursery to collect him as dont want to upset my son by him seeing us like this even though every part of me was telling me to go get him

Marchate Wed 06-Jan-16 18:55:03

I don't think he can actually remove your child from you without your consent. Someone who knows the law will be here soon

It's not like he's gone for a few nights on holiday. Breaking up is a serious decision and the child must be cared for by the most appropriate parent. If he has been removed from his own home to sleep on his dad's friend's settee, that doesn't sound like his best interests to me

ComtesseDeSpair Wed 06-Jan-16 19:16:27

Have you spoken to him or had the opportunity to negotiate, or at least request that he comes to you to collect the bottles and clothes your DS needs?

You can contact the police, although they can't necessarily do anything: if your ex has PR, and there are no concerns about his ability to parent or his mental state etc then legally speaking he has the same rights as you do when it comes to looking after DS and decisions regarding who he can visit or stay with.

If he won't speak to you then leave him a voicemail and send a text / email imploring him to be reasonable, to consider the distress it might cause DS to be away from you suddenly and in a place he doesn't know, and reinforce that going forwards it's important for the two of you to have an amicable relationship and be able to trust each other as parents for the the benefit of DS. As much as it might jolt some sense into him, it'll also be a useful part of a paper trail to document his behaviour as a parent if you need to use the court system to sort residency and access in the future. Ask if you can have the address he's staying at, for safety reasons as much as anything else, and if you can come over to reassure DS and give him the stuff he needs.

Notgoingtobeamug Wed 06-Jan-16 19:24:15

My ex has PR. He does have depression and is on anti deppressants that he drinks on. I dont doubt his parenting abilities only that DS is only 2 and Im the one he calls for. Im the one who is there for him every night, that he wants to kiss him better, that provides for him.

We have only exchanged texts so far. He has brought up how once i drank too much when i was in sole care of DS. It was a silly mistake of drinking 3 glasses of wine when i only drink every 2-3 months and never to excess. My ex videod me drunk. My ex drinks 3-4 times a week and stays out all night everytime. It was a silly thing to do, im not proud of it but he throws it at me all the time. I suspect he still has the video.

Ive found out he has taken ds to his nans for an hour. I dont know what he is going to do after that but I want my baby back. I dropped him at nursery today and he cried at drop off. I just waved him off not knowing i wouldnt have him tonight. I cant stop crying and even if I went to where he is now, i dont want DS seeing me like this.

tipsytrifle Wed 06-Jan-16 19:24:34

I think you should phone the police on 101 right now and see what they advise. This isn't acceptable behaviour at all.

Was Dc still at nursery at 18:43? If he meant he'd get him in the morning then I think you should refuse this and phone nursery to say ds is not to be taken by anyone but you. With a police report behind you I think that should sort things out in the short term. But I may be muddled about the actual what's going on here. Where is DS now?

Asap you need proper, full advice about custody and finance. Not to mention where you currently live and how that is to be paid for.

Have you been updated by exdp about your child's whereabouts? If you have no idea where your son is then I think you need police intervention now.

Notgoingtobeamug Wed 06-Jan-16 19:25:30

I name changed - realised my original user name was disrespectful following recent incidents- it was from a previous joke

queenofthepirates Wed 06-Jan-16 19:25:51

OP, can you give us some background here? I don't quite understand why you didn't try to stop you ex DP from removing your child from your care. I'm not judging but I think we may be able to offer more support if we understand your back story.

Notgoingtobeamug Wed 06-Jan-16 19:28:43

I didnt stop him because i never believed he would do this. I thought it was an empty angry thrreat as I called him out on staying out again all night.

He usually does the nursery collections. I work until 6.

Also, he is his Dad, i cant actually stop him from taking him can I?

Notgoingtobeamug Wed 06-Jan-16 19:31:24

We only broke up this afternoon. We have had a difficult year but ex text me this pm saying he had moved out. I hadnt actually spoken to him since 9pm last night when he told me he would be home by midnight. He never came home, i got a text at 7am saying he wouldnt be home to take Ds to nursery so i would have to go to work late. Next thing i get is a text at lunch time saying he has moved out and we need time apart.

tipsytrifle Wed 06-Jan-16 19:33:12

cross-posting ...

you need some serious help asap; having PR doesn't entitle him to take ds off up Ben Nevis or go kayaking. You sound utterly beaten down by him and I think you need some legal advice and moves being made to sort this out properly. If the relationship has been declared over then proceed in that vein.

I'm assuming there's a namechange thing going on here?

It might be that you have to put on a brave face, wipe the pain and fear off your face and go get son? If you don't want son to see you a quivering wreck then earn yourself an oscar right now! You can also phone 101 now I think.

Notgoingtobeamug Wed 06-Jan-16 19:43:29

Yes. I name changed - realised my original user name was disrespectful following recent incidents- it was from a previous joke.
Just spoke to exes nan, he has just left hers. ds has had a bottle and was asleep. She had no idea what ex has done. She told me to call police and if I dont, she will.

tipsytrifle Fri 08-Jan-16 14:17:13

Did you report this incident to the police, Notgoingtobeamug?

The situation just seems too fluid and varied to allow normal visitation to occur right now. He needs to be settled, you need to be as well. This break up is so recent and raw. I think ds might benefit from some stable normality and routine until both of you have got your heads around some of the reality stuff that needs sorting out and formalising. Perhaps it is time you took control of the situation at least from ds end and lay down some initial groundrules about how things continue.

I'd have thought xp finding suitable accommodation would be the first priority for him.

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