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MN helped me find affair - now how the f do I deal with practical stuff

(70 Posts)
KrakenAwakes Wed 06-Jan-16 13:10:46

Few days before Christmas (on the 21st December) I checked my husbands phone. Hes been stressed at work lately and hasn't be as kind to the two DDs we have or to me. Has had a few stressful moments before but this seemed worse than usual. MN experience (I've namechanged) told me all was not well.

I think there were 450+ emails and messages between him and a work colleague. They had been meeting in the office after work (telling me he was at the gym) and fucking on peoples desks. Husband began a new job in October which is when he met her, I have her name, email, phone number etc.

I copied all the emails to my phone/google account - then confronted him. He left.

And that was that. Ten years gone in a fortnight which is how long they'd been physically into each other - emotionally much longer I think. I contacted a lawyer re access for the children as he didn't get in touch for 24 hours then emailed a demand that he see them on boxing day to visit his family and retain normality 'for them'.

Since then he has been an utter cunt. We haven't spoken about the affair because he doesn't know what he wants although he has supposedly quit seeing this woman. Who by the way is ten years older than me, recently separated and went after him like you would not believe. Sending naked pics of herself to him on email asking if he wanted to play, suggesting poses he could screw her in. She clearly thought she had a chance and he was a fucker for not sticking to me and our family.

I have enabled access to our daughters although have had to make all the arrangements and as he has nowhere to take them then he has to come to our house which I am finding very difficult.

What I need help with are the practicalities. We are part way through renovating our house and I only work PT on a rolling contract but we have many deposits paid for work planned this year (its an old house). I have a legal appointment booked next week but I do not want to lose our home. We have two children (under 5) and one gets higher rate DLA. I am worried sick about money - really worried. Even if I get a FT post (difficult) the cost of childcare will eat most of it, and my oldest gets exhausted so FT before/after school club will shatter her. I know he will have to pay some form of maintenance but no idea how much.

He has spouted so much bullshit (he will only 'talk' via google chat) such as the friendship between us hasn't been there for a few months, he was planning to tell me and leave after Christmas, or that we need to patch it up before we can work on the marriage long term.

I don't know what to think - the house is calmer and kinder since he left. I keep being told by friends I should wait to begin formal proceedings but I am sad it happened but equally enjoying the freedom of living without him.

Please - any money tips - do tell me. I'll deal with emotions another day

pocketsaviour Wed 06-Jan-16 13:16:27

Is your house currently fit to live in without the work taking place?

How much equity is in the house - if you sold as is and split the proceeds (youd get a larger share as youd be with the dc and especially if one has a need for mobility equipment etc.) would you be able to by something for you and dc with a small mortgage?

KrakenAwakes Wed 06-Jan-16 13:20:49

There is a lot of equity in the house. We bought it after we had both sold our own homes and made good money. We put down at least 80k with a 120k mortgage - house now worth 280k

I'm not sure how much, but I cannot afford to buy him out and we would lose our beautiful garden. Very sad as we bought it as our forever home. Its losing the house that is bothering me a lot - especially as DD1 (DLA) is settled and happy there.

KrakenAwakes Wed 06-Jan-16 13:21:26

Sorry that should read - I'm not sure how much he would be entitled to of that

KrakenAwakes Wed 06-Jan-16 13:22:58

Yes - we can live in the house without some of the work (like new kitchen) but other bits (electrical) are unsafe in one room and we need to do the exterior painting or will be facing replacement of sash windows next winter (was meant to be done last year)

Epilepsyhelp Wed 06-Jan-16 13:27:02

You might not have to buy him out. Given the circumstances with your young kids and dd1 on DLA the court may decide you can stay in the house at least til they are 18.

Any savings?

KrakenAwakes Wed 06-Jan-16 13:54:35

I have a pension pot of 8k and an inheritance of 10k - annoyingly I only cashed that cheque a few weeks ago. He has always had separate finances but I would wager he has between 20-25k stashed somewhere given his income (I have his payslips)

KrakenAwakes Wed 06-Jan-16 14:00:46

And DD1 may also not be able to live independently even at 18, she has multiple and complex learning difficulties/disabilities as well as poor health and seizures

Cabrinha Wed 06-Jan-16 14:10:48

Am I reading correctly that you haven't had legal advice yet?

You need it NOW.

January is apparently the busiest month for divorce lawyers so get calling for appointments ASAP as it may take a while.

Given the age and special needs of your children, you absolutely must protect them by protecting yourself financially.

There's a possibility you could stay in the house, but I would think if you did sell you would get a high percentage of the equity.

In the short term, check your contracts with the building work. Are they non returnable deposits? If so, delay rather than cancel. In the short term, you won't want to be spending any money. Even the room with the electrics work you can just close off for now.

Good luck, you're in for a lot of hard work I'm afraid. But please please please see a divorce solicitor! You need to know what the law sees as fair.

Cabrinha Wed 06-Jan-16 14:12:27

For immediate money issues, are you claiming everything you are entitled to? Right down to calling the council for your council tax 25% discount? If you're told him to leave (well done!) you can probably claim as a single parent now.

KrakenAwakes Wed 06-Jan-16 14:18:17

The electrics must must be done (about £150) as it is in a utility which was flooded through which we get to the garden. I've spoken to the interior painter (who has a deposit of £100) as he was meant to start next week and he has been happy to wait.

I had a 30min consultation when this all happened as I was desperate to stay the right side of the law for DC.

He doesn't want me to take him off the council tax as that will inconvenience where he is living now. I've just applied to have online access to the joint account (previously he managed it) and he has said in writing that he will continue to pay in. Oddly enough I do not trust him

lavenderhoney Wed 06-Jan-16 14:24:21

I don't undertand his emails - is he saying he wants to try again? Do you want to?

How much is he contributing now? Have you contacted the tax credits and child tax credits people? Do so now if you haven't and you'll get a form to fill in and hopefully some assistance. If you go to entitledto. Co.uk it gives you info.

You need to see a solicitor to find out what happens now and what would happen in the event of a divorce. And be careful with emails. Remember anything you write down could be used as evidence in court. Same goes for him.

If he is gone for good , tell him he needs to sort out where he sees the DC. I know it's nice to try to be amicable but you aren't getting any free time. He could take them swimming? Or to the library? Out for tea?

Cabrinha Wed 06-Jan-16 14:27:29

No, don't blame you.
You really need to get back to a solicitor and sort out finances.

I doubt you can claim benefits (if you're entitled to but as you're part time I'm guessing it's possible) if he is officially living there still. So tough fucking to him.

Is there money in the joint account now? I'd have thought you'd be better off setting up your own account. I believe - though not sure - if you call the bank about a joint account and explain you've split and it could get messy, they'll lock it. That's locked for both of you though.

lavenderhoney Wed 06-Jan-16 14:27:39

Tell him you're inconvenienced as well! Get him off the council tax and say you need the money plus if anyone ( HMRC) checks you will look as though you're defrauding with regards to being a single parent and benefits.

he has to pay it wherever he lives, and that's his problem! You have enough problems and you're not a team anymore are you?

KrakenAwakes Wed 06-Jan-16 14:32:08

Yes - money in the joint account - about £3500 which is just under two months outgoings. He contributes £1800 and I do £600 (which is about 90% of my salary and 70% of his) yeah i know - I found his payslip most enlightening.

I did do the entitled to website but I don;t know enough details about the mortgage so couldn't finish it. It did say that I would be entitled to tax credits though on my own.

lavender he blows so hot and cold on messages that I have zero idea what he wants. He's supposedly booked us some relate sessions but I rang the office and they have no record of my name.

Both him and the OW have senior posts at work - fucking on desks is not exactly appropriate behaviour. AND he was screwing me too (already been for STI tests)

Cabrinha Wed 06-Jan-16 14:57:20

Mail him, and tell him you want the mortgage details.

Cabrinha Wed 06-Jan-16 14:58:16

Is it a joint mortgage? You may be able to get details from the bank though you'll not have passwords so could be a pain.

KrakenAwakes Wed 06-Jan-16 15:32:25

Yes its a joint mortgage - I have all the paperwork at home, just need to go through the various files.

Because he won;t commit one way or the other - just is vague and uncooperative then I don;t know what to think.

My intention is to draw up an access agreement and financial agreement informally with the solicitor so that I know what is legal and also likely to be awarded.

IF he then goes to Relate and gets answers then I will keep those agreements private for now. But if he is still messing me about in 2-3 months or if I see he isn't paying into the join account then I can move forward with them.

For now my head is mush

lavenderhoney Wed 06-Jan-16 16:56:28

It's what you want that matters now. No doubt he will also be seeing a solicitor. Ignore anything your dh tells you because it most likely won't be true.

Do you plan to file for divorce? And then do the finances/ access? Ask the solicitor which option is best for you as sometimes it works in your favour to delay it.

Have you got your own bank account as well? And re the mortgage, get an up to date statement, when and if it's due to be re mortgaged etc.

Horsemad Wed 06-Jan-16 18:17:51

Never mind what he wants; what do YOU want?

Once you've decided that you can move forward, either with or without him.

KrakenAwakes Wed 06-Jan-16 19:45:40

I want him to be honest because now I'm doubting that he even knows what the means. I'm worried that my marriage has been a sham for a long time and that this wankstain has been faking it. Can't say why I think that but I do. I'm not sure he actually knows what compassion and love is.

Another thought I had today is whether I would be best waiting to apply for a FT post until a divorce agreement is reached. Then go out and get an 80% post if I can. Otherwise the settlement will rely on me always working and with dd1 needs I'm not sure that is a workable solution.

Clutterbugsmum Wed 06-Jan-16 20:03:16

Claim child maintenace from the CMS now don't wait for him to mess you about.

Fionajsd Wed 06-Jan-16 20:03:50

I think you need to protect yourself and your kids and by that you need to see a solicitor , change the council tax to your name to get the 25% reduction, and then contact the tax credit people.
He isn't in control of what happens now and can't dictate to you either.
I'm really sorry your going through this , hugs xx

Ebayaholic Wed 06-Jan-16 20:11:29

Maybe you could pull your credit file- I recommend Noddle which is free for life- and find out your mortgage details.

Bubblebath01 Wed 06-Jan-16 20:13:53

Get on to tax credits office tomorrow. you will be surprised what you are entitled to as a single parent, opposed to one of a partnership. Also claim child benefit if not already. Don't rush in to FT work, you might be better off PT with tax credits, allowing more time with your children. Sort out the day to day finances to your best advantage. Stop all unnecessary work on the property, until you can work out exactly what issuing on. Best of luck. x

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