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(84 Posts)
ChampsMummy Wed 06-Jan-16 11:59:58


Umm well I really don't know how to start this, haven't told anyone in real life because I am ashamed and it's completely character for me.

Basically I am pregnant and I don't really know how it has happened because I'm always careful.

I have been seeing this guy for just over four months, just for fun nothing else, although we do get on very well, and he has asked many of time when I'm going to give him a baby.

I am VERY against abortion I've always said I'd never terminate a baby, but I can't see how I can keep his baby, he leads a criminal life style which I have been ignoring.

And I also have a 7 year old son from my previous relationship, I'm in a very bad situation at the moment, can I please have some some advice, good or bad and I know how to take criticism.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Wed 06-Jan-16 12:01:52

he has asked many of time when I'm going to give him a baby

That's weird! What contraception were you using?

ChampsMummy Wed 06-Jan-16 12:06:14

Always condoms.

AnotherEmma Wed 06-Jan-16 12:07:40

It sounds like you want advice and support for making the decision about whether to keep the baby? If so I recommend you get this thread moved to the "Pregnancy choices" board.

When you say "I'm always careful", do you mean that you always use contraception? Do you mind me asking what contraception you use?

I think it's a bit strange that he has been asking you for a baby even though you've only been dating for 4 months. That's such a short time and it seems that he wants to move very fast, which is a worrying sign IMO. Given his "criminal life style" I agree with you that he's not really a suitable father or serious partner.

Can I ask why you're against abortion? Would you like to discuss it a bit more?

AnotherEmma Wed 06-Jan-16 12:08:35

(Sorry, cross post - ignore my question about contraception!)

MatildaTheCat Wed 06-Jan-16 12:14:28

Two issues here.
1) You are dating a criminal and have managed so far to overlook this. Why? If you wish to finish the relationship because of this you should do so. No need to cite the reason.

1) You are pregnant and it is unplanned. If you decide you cannot terminate then you will be a single parent of two DC. Does your life allow this? Do you have support and do you even want this?

Then it becomes more complex because even if you split with him he clearly wishes to be a father so you either:

Terminate without telling him.
Continue without telling him.
Split but do tell him and allow him contact and parental rights.

Stay with him and either accept his life or ask him to change he won't.

Can I suggest you refer yourself for urgent counselling via BPAS ( if you are in the UK)? This is very difficult but you don't need to come to any snap decisions if you are still very early on the pregnancy. For now I would keep quiet until you make some decisions.

ChampsMummy Wed 06-Jan-16 12:14:46

AnotherEmma I would not even class what we have as dating, I am just physically and sexually attracted to him. I have always been against abortion simple reason I know a few people who can't have children so it would be wrong for me to terminate this baby, I know it would eat me up inside if I did.

Just can't believe I have got myself into this mess.

ChampsMummy Wed 06-Jan-16 12:21:41

MatildaTheCat Like I have said I wouldn't class what we have as an relationship, but he has always wanted us to be together he is NOT the type of man I could have a relationship with. My sons father is very involved in his life so I don't really consider myself as a single parent, and my life could not allow another baby I would have support from friends and family I guess, but I haven't told them as what I have been doing is very out of character for me, I'm usually the good one, giving advice and helping others out.

I don't want to be in a relationship with him and I would be in no position to to tell him to stop what he is doing. I live in London and I am going to make an appointment with my doctor.

VaticanAssassin Wed 06-Jan-16 12:24:42

You haven't got yourself in this mess OP, i think he has, intentionally.

What would anyone say, if a woman was asking a man when he would 'give her a baby', he doesn't want a child, she says she is on the Pill- but then ends up accidentally pregnant a month later.

I think he has purposefully done this to keep you tied to him.

Joysmum Wed 06-Jan-16 12:31:28

What man asks his casual sexual partner when they will give him a baby confused

Added to that you've only been relying on condoms. Has he been sourcing those? I can't help wondering if he's doctored them sad

mum2mum99 Wed 06-Jan-16 12:32:03

Sounds very tough, champs.
How do you feel about having another DC?
If you can't answer, maybe go to counselling to help you process your feelings.
This guy does not seem to have the make out of a good father from what you say. I would not tell him it his.

pocketsaviour Wed 06-Jan-16 12:32:20

I agree with Vatican, I think he's done this purposefully. He's either taken the condom off surreptitiously (I've known women this has happened to.) Or if he supplies the condoms, he's sabotaged them by making a hole.

His comments about getting you pregnant are just far too weird to be a coincidence.

If you're dead set against termination, but don't see how you can make another child work, would you consider adoption?

ChampsMummy Wed 06-Jan-16 12:32:53

VaticanAssassin Maybe so, I do not want this child but I know if I don't go ahead and have it, it's going to effect me mentality and I'm never going to get over it, I think it's time to tell my mum.

ChampsMummy Wed 06-Jan-16 12:38:05

Joysmum He has his own, I was thinking at first maybe he did, then I thought no I don't think he'll go that far, I'm just so frigging stupid!! Mum2mum I did/do want another child but I've accepted that it wasn't going to happen, and my 7 year old does occasionally ask can he have a sister.

I would never consider giving birth to a child then giving it away.

mum2mum99 Wed 06-Jan-16 12:42:09

Champs, nobody can know from the inside what you are feeling right now. Sometimes our own beliefs can evolve and change.
It has to be your decision but all angles considered.
How do you think your mum will react if you tell her? Do you feel she will be supportive?

Epilepsyhelp Wed 06-Jan-16 12:42:41

If you have his child you will always have a 'relationship' with him in the sense that you will be joint parents. Your child will presumably have a close relationship with him and have the concomitant influences and environment that go with a criminal lifestyle.

I don't think the fact that other people have fertility issues is a logical reason for rejecting abortion, have you considered a chat with your GP/BPAS?

ChampsMummy Wed 06-Jan-16 12:46:03

Mum2mum She is my mum so she will be supportive but still will be annoyed with me. EpilepsyHelp I am going to talk to my doctor about what has happened.

mum2mum99 Wed 06-Jan-16 12:51:18

Champs, I would not put this decision into anybody else's hands. Even my mother

ChampsMummy Wed 06-Jan-16 12:53:40

I think I'm just going to have to go ahead and have it.

megamoz Wed 06-Jan-16 12:59:21

OP I used to be massively against abortion also mainly due to the fact I felt (incorrectly I now believe) that it was morally wrong. Then when I was 19 I got pregnant accidentally (split condom, stupidly didn't take morning after pill). So I had a termination at 6 weeks. It was literally the best decision I ever made. Boyfriend at the time was a drug dealer and since we split up he has got deeper and deeper into crime to the extent that I believe it would have actually been irresponsible to have a baby with him.

Completely and utterly changed my views on abortion tbh. I also know people who can't have children but this in the nicest possible way not your responsibility nor your fault. I'm sure if you have the baby you will be a great mum to him/her but please don't write off termination completely just on moral grounds. It should be about what you actually want.

Just my two cents. I am completely supportive of a woman's right to choose. Ashamed that I used to feel so strongly about it to be honest.

hefzi Wed 06-Jan-16 12:59:50

You don't know how you would react to a termination - you say you'd "never get over it" but how can you say that from this point? I am another vote for having urgent counselling with BPAS to discuss your options and how you feel about things- having another child will also affect your DS, as well as keeping you tied to a criminal, who may well have entrapped you into becoming pregnant. And that will also have an impact on your DS too.

It's early days- you don't need to make any decisions before you've really thought them through. flowers

Epilepsyhelp Wed 06-Jan-16 13:00:00

It's great that you have family support around you. Don't let him talk you into any kind of relationship that you don't want. All the best flowers

mum2mum99 Wed 06-Jan-16 13:00:50

If you go ahead and have it, how will you feel about this child? Will you love him, or will you be resentful that he was born, due to the circumstance of your pregnancy?

megamoz Wed 06-Jan-16 13:01:43

Oh and PS I was completely emotionally unaffected by my termination at 6 weeks, FWIW. I didn't feel any guilt whatsoever and I still don't. It was a bit painful for an afternoon and that was that. Logically I knew at that point baby wasn't a baby.

It felt completely different when I had a miscarriage at 6 weeks back in June - that was devastating, even though again logically I knew the same thing. Even then I still didn't regret my abortion.

AnotherEmma Wed 06-Jan-16 13:07:12

Some people think abortion is wrong. Others think that bringing an unwanted child into the world in certain circumstances (eg with an abusive, criminal or drug addict parent) is wrong. My opinion doesn't matter to this decision, but FWIW I'm in the latter camp.

If you really wanted to help parents with fertility options, you could give the baby up for adoption. But keeping the baby isn't going to help them in any way. An abortion would have no effect on them whatsoever.

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