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Need help to keep my resolve

(7 Posts)
Momewrath Tue 05-Jan-16 23:56:21

Just posting for some moral support really.

Been with my alcoholic partner for 10 years, every time he comes home pissed and aggressive (Not violent but angry ranting and raving), I resolve to leave him, but when the next day comes and he is full of remorse and back to the person I love we give it another try. Round and round in circles.

He even said tonight he doesn't want to be with me anymore, he wants to be left alone to be able to live how he wants in peace (will change his mind tomorrow).

I know I'm better than this but how do I keep my resolve to end this relationship? It's not as simple as one of us moving out right away, we are both skint and need to put the house on the market and sell it first which could take months.

Sound so weak and pathetic but how can I do this and stick to my decision? We're both fighting for something we don't even want, but how do we stop?

Hawest1 Wed 06-Jan-16 00:06:08

Oh bless u, is there no family u can stay with until the house sale is sorted? Or is there no where else he can go until then?
If that's the decision u have made it would be best to remove urself from the situation asap, it's less likely that u will change ur mind that way.
If neither of u want it then a clean break sounds like exactly what u both need, so living in the same house while u sort out finances etc doesn't really sound like a good idea. Oh I hope u manage to sort it soon, it's not nice going round & round in circles x

Momewrath Wed 06-Jan-16 00:26:04

Hi Hawest, We both have no family nearby and as im the main breadwinner I need to close for work. He is self employed with sporadic income so he can't afford to go either.

The reason it's so hard to stick to the decision is that he is literally like 2 different people. Horrible and cruel drunk, completely wonderful sober.

I can't get past wanting to look after him either, not knowing what will become of him once we split. But it's got to the point where my health is suffering now due to the anxiety of it all.

I'm upstairs in bed awake right now, listening to him sing at the top of his voice. This will go on for hours, no matter that I have to be up for work in a few hours whilst he sleeps it off.

But I know after my initial anger tomorrow we'll both say "it will get better this time", even though it never does.

Hawest1 Wed 06-Jan-16 00:37:24

Oh no, I feel sorry for u I really do. Is there any way he would agree to getting help for drinking?
I had this issue recently with my dad, he didn't take any of my advice about getting help so don't worry i know how that feels.
It really does seem like u r stuck in a rut, neither of u can go on like this atall it's not fair, he is wasting his life away & U are going to make urself ill with worry & whatever other emotions are going on aswell.
I know the 2 different people situation all too well aswell, i know it's a bit different tho since its ur partner & it's my dad with the drink problem. I have even threatened to not let my dad see his grand children until he gets help but as soon as he is back to the normal loving person giving it the big 'I'm sorry' I always give in! It's not nice!
Ever thought about going to the local council & enquiringly about a homeless house/place? That way u could stay close to work and not be stuck. I know that's a massive step, but it might be worth while looking into if it means to get to remove urself from the situation for a while.

Momewrath Wed 06-Jan-16 01:01:46

I'm afraid that we have been through various routes of help, but ultimately he isn't ready to put his all into it so it always fails.

He was honest with me recently and said he just wasn't ready to give up alcohol. Of course he has changed his mind since then but I think that was really the truth that he's not ready.

I wouldn't qualify for any temp accommodation because we have the house also.

Thank you so much for listening to me tonight, I'm sorry that you are going through similar but glad that there is someone who can understand the situation, it's not as easy as it should be to make the break, even though I know what I need to do.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 06-Jan-16 10:52:21

You are a rescuer.
You want SAVE him when he doesn't want saving.

Can you try to live separate lives for the time being?
Keep out of each others way.
Do your own cooking, washing, tidying, ironing etc... and he does all of his.
You need to try to detach. Not easy when you are in the same space.

If his income is sporadic, how does he afford to drink?

Have you been to Al-Anon at all?
They can help with partners of alcoholics. That could be a good support for you.

Get things moving in the meantime. Get some estate agents round the value the property and get it on the market.
Now is the best time for that. people will be looking but lots holding out until spring.

You know deserve better so start taking steps towards getting separated properly.

Newyearnewme2016 Wed 06-Jan-16 11:28:41

When he says he wants to be left in peace to do what he wants i.e. drink, let him. It is entirely his choice and I can't see what you can do to help after all this time.

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