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How to progress relationship without living together

(13 Posts)
Beaverfever Tue 05-Jan-16 23:45:15

BF and I both live with parents.
We live around 40 miles say from each other but try to see each other a few times a week.

We want to live together but that's a few months off at least.

we can't stay at each others due to lack of space.

All I want to do is cuddle up and go to sleep together.

At the movement that only happens when we either go on holiday or the rare night away but every one of those depletes the moving fund.

Am I missing something or is this just how it will be until we live together?

Cabrinha Tue 05-Jan-16 23:54:24

How much space do you need?!

The closer you want to cuddle, the smaller the bed needs to be grin

As long as parents don't mind, why can't you do overnights in each other's parental house? You may need to go out and literally only sleep together - but that gives you the cuddling thing.

BubsandMoo Tue 05-Jan-16 23:54:43

Lack of space? When I was younger it was completely normal to stay over at my boyfriends, or him at mine, and snuggle up together in a single bed. Not ideal but workable. Is that not possible for you?

Beaverfever Tue 05-Jan-16 23:57:31

In my house no.
My parents are quite Catholic and already have dim views on me (divorcee),
And with him there are younger siblings in the household so it just seems a bit disrespectful maybe.

Beaverfever Wed 06-Jan-16 00:02:03

I think my parents try to pretend I don't have a boyfriend.
I think by them not allowing him here they think he will go away when unfortunately it just means we will end up moving in together sooner I guess

Cabrinha Wed 06-Jan-16 00:05:52

Bloody hell, if you're old enough to be married and divorced, I'd choose a house share over living at home with parents taking a sum view of me having a boyfriend!

Are you getting really cheap rent then?

I'd rather pay more and see him in a house share than ending up moving in together too soon.

Is it just your assumption about the younger siblings? My 20yo older sister had a serious bf sleepover when our younger sibling was 9. It may not be an issue for his parents, have you asked?

Cabrinha Wed 06-Jan-16 00:19:52

Oh OP, I looked at your posts - you're 6 months out of an abusive relationship and this bloke is really new to you and you haven't even sorted out who pays for what on dates yet sad

Why are you planning to move in together in a matter of months?! Don't.

Is there a reason you think your parents don't want him around? Is it just Catholic / divorce or do they have concerns about him? Is it simply that you're still married? (I'm divorced, I get that you're not really married at all, it's just the law is slow!)

Living with disapproving parents where you can't have a boyfriend stay is no way to let your relationship with this man develop.

I suggest you either continue with the nights away, accept that the cost delays you moving in together - but recognise that that's OK! Because you need more time to know if you should move in together.

Or, get a house share and live independently of your parents, husband or boyfriend. Then you can date more freely and it's never a bad thing to have lived independently.

Don't make plans to live with someone you've know 5 minutes!

Beaverfever Wed 06-Jan-16 00:31:34

They don't have concerns that rhey have told me about. But they don't want to meet him.

they didn't see the abuse that went on mostly and when I got the courage to tell them I was leaving him they didn't approve of me doing so.

I would much rather live alone, I don't want to get a house share at this point.
But I live in south east and rents are high.

Beaverfever Wed 06-Jan-16 00:33:32

I don't want to force him upon my parents and don't want them to think they have to like him.
In my opinion, if they were happier me being with an abusive person then they really don't know what's best for me, and now at 30 and finding my strength, I don't feel I need their approval like I used to.

I guess that's why I wasn't too concerned about moving in with someone so soon, as if it works out it does, if it doesn't, it doesn't scare me anymore

Cabrinha Wed 06-Jan-16 00:38:52

That's great that you feel you can cope with ending this relationship if it isn't working.

I'd still advise caution moving in together. SE rents are indeed high, and many landlords insist on all adult occupants being on the tenancy agreement and joint and severally liable to spread their risk.

So what happens if a month into a six month agreement you decide he's not for you? 5 months of neither of you being able to afford to take on the property?

Of course it can happen in any relationship after any duration. But the odds are higher when you haven't been together long.

goddessofsmallthings Wed 06-Jan-16 02:17:58

With the best will in the world, you're just out of an abusive relationship, you're not yet divorced, but you're already talking about moving in with another guy.

Are you aware that while you remain legally married to your spouse any sexual relationship you have with another man is adulterous, and if you are openly cohabiting with another man your spouse can choose to divorce you for adultery and name him as co-respondent?

If you can't have people to stay while you're at your parents, find yourself a room in a shared property where any sexual liaisons you have with other men can conducted in a discreet manner until the ink is dry on your Absolute.

RedMapleLeaf Wed 06-Jan-16 08:01:04

Are you posting from the 1930s smallthings?

Borninthe60s Wed 06-Jan-16 08:11:19

Cheap travel lodge or days inn once a month?

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