Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

OLD: Is there any point proactively messaging men?

(53 Posts)
marzipanmaggie Tue 05-Jan-16 21:37:59

Curious to hear what people think about this. I'm a fully paid up feminist and fully in favour -- in theory -- in women taking the lead in affairs of the heart or loins. I'm fairly newly single after a ten year relationship and dipping a toe into OLD and wondering if a) the etiquette allows and b) there's any point sending a message to a man you like the look of cold if he hasn't already got in touch.

The reason I ask is that in real life my experience is that whatever the theory, the practice is that the fastest way to make a man run is to initiate or chase. I've not once in 20 years of sexual/romantic activity had a positive response from being the initiator other than those who were interested in one night stands. In my experience men hate being chased and as OLD is pretty brutal my guess is that its even worse there when you don't even have the advantages of sexual chemistry and personality.

Am I being old fashioned or am I just much less attractive than I have always thought? And is it OK to message men on OLD?

bbcdollybird Tue 05-Jan-16 21:49:30

Blimey you've been unlucky. I've asked out everyone I've ever been out with & always had a positive response. New to online dating this year & the same more or less applies. Personally I think the men love it when someone makes the effort to contact them. & if they don't contact you back so what? Move on. Don't wait for them to find you, you actively hunt for them. I took the view the longer I waited the fewer good men would be left behind so I hunted like mad. Struck gold in the end. So for it op.

TooSassy Tue 05-Jan-16 21:51:00

Bumble is the app where the women have to message first. I'm giving it a go (it's the only one I'm using right now).

Too early days to report success but it's going ok. grin

bbcdollybird Tue 05-Jan-16 21:51:24

Be bright & bubbly in your opener, give them reason to contact you back.

marzipanmaggie Tue 05-Jan-16 21:55:12

bbcdollybird maybe its just me then smile

BadLad Tue 05-Jan-16 22:33:15

In my experience men hate being chased

This is rubbish. Some might. Many - especially shy ones - will be happy to be chased. Many won't care who initiates contact. I'm in the last group.

Justaboy Tue 05-Jan-16 23:10:12

Chase me if you want too!! I don't mind LOL! its very flattering to be sought after by a lady in most all instances. OLD however as you can see form other threads is an oddball place but i think you shoudl just go for it what have you got to loose a bit of heartbreak some bruised ego but its a risk we all take in personal relationships.

Best of luck! that lady plays her part too!.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Wed 06-Jan-16 02:53:17

When I did OD, I generally didn't respond to men who contacted me first.

In fact, I think it was me who initiated contact and asked out for the first date in most cases.

I generally let them contact for a second date because I'm not doing all the chasing, but if you like the look of someone, why would you just sit around waiting for them?

marzipanmaggie Wed 06-Jan-16 05:50:52

This is bizarre, I just can't compute what I'm being told here with the reality as I've experienced it which is that men always have to do the chasing.

Thanks for the advice. Not sure I'm bold enough to message someone but I will think about it (and put it off for another couple of months).

bbcdollybird Wed 06-Jan-16 06:00:23

Nooo don't let your life slip away, grasp the nettle! Read through the profiles, try to find someone you find attractive with similar interests & just say 'hello, I liked your profile, thought you sounded interesting, please read mine?' - That's what I do & then just take it from there. You only need to meet up for a swift coffee in the beginning. Trust me, men like being approached - it's flattering. Just grow a thick skin & don't worry about rejection too much, you won't be everyone's cup of tea, nor they yours. But value yourself, if they say no then it's their loss & move on. For every one that says 'no' there'll be others who say 'yes'. I've had some lovely dates. He's out there waiting for you, snap him up before someone else does. You've got nothing to lose!

tanyadm Wed 06-Jan-16 06:10:48

I am quite new to OLD, but am finding that whether you get a response if you message first, which I have only done a few times, depends purely on whether they like the look of you or not. I am on Match, GSM and OKC, I proactively messaged and am having lovely chat with a very nice man, but admittedly it was after a mutual 'like'. A decent and feminist man won't buy into nonsense about men doing the chasing, he will accept and treat you as an equal.

niceupthedance Wed 06-Jan-16 06:15:28

I did online dating for a couple of years and I never got a date with someone I messaged first. HTH

Fairylea Wed 06-Jan-16 06:19:13

I messaged my now dh first smile

I think a lot of guys on the online dating sites are quite shy and have half given up on meeting someone so unless you give them a shake (message) to let them know you're there they won't bother... My dh said he would have liked to message me but probably wouldn't have because I'm 7 years older than him and he thought I wouldn't go for someone younger like him.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Wed 06-Jan-16 06:38:54

If I read a profile I liked the look of, I just emailed saying; "hi, I really liked the look of your profile" and then added something that showed I'd read their profile and told them enough about me to make them curious about reading mine, said it would be good to hear from them and wished them luck and a good day.

That was it.

Did I always get a response? Of course not! Did I always get a response from the ones I most hoped to hear from? Sadly no.

But did it bother me? No, not at all. The truth is that you forget about it after a few days, which is why there's no point in worrying about replying to every first contact message because the other person has probably forgotten they've even sent it while you're still agonsisng over how to reply to a "hi babe, howz u?" Politely.

I wouldn't want the sort of man who insisted on doing the chasing so it weeds out the idiots

And yes, they will reply if the like the look of you. If not, it's not about you, it's about what they like.

StillDrSethHazlittMD Wed 06-Jan-16 08:26:44

OP, another guy who did OLD for ages (hated it) but the business about men hating being chased is nonsense. Some of us like getting flowers, too!

RedMapleLeaf Wed 06-Jan-16 15:40:05

I think most people get put off by too much chasing. It implies desperation or lack of other interests.

YouAreMyRain Wed 06-Jan-16 20:39:40

I met my last partner, and my current partner, through OLD. Both times I messaged them first. Just read their profile and ask a question about what they have written, eg "I see you like films, what was the last film you saw?"
Maybe add in your favourite film or something film related, but you don't have to. One question, keep it casual. Good luck

chanelnumberthree Wed 06-Jan-16 20:51:29

I always relied on men chasing me - and found that any men I chased/emailed first weren't interested.

In retrospect, that's because they were, pretty much without exception, arses. It's really only an insecure and slightly misogynistic man who will get on his high horse and rebuff a woman for making the initial approach.

I met my (utterly lovely) man via OD, I messaged him first. As he was quite disillusioned with OD at the time, and fed up with sending messages and never getting a reply, the fact I sent one to him immediately sparked his interest.

He said that after a lifetime of always having to do the chasing, the fact that a woman actually made the first move (I also then a few days later suggested our first date - albeit he'd already dropped hints by then) was a really refreshing change.

I didn't send a massively long message by the way...just a 2 liner referencing something he'd said in his profile, he replied, we went from there. (I have to say previously with others I'd sent long messages, never got much back. That may have been my mistake!)

Doje Wed 06-Jan-16 21:02:57

Absolutely message them!!

In any other important part of your life you wouldn't be so passive and wait for something to come to you. See a job you want? You'd go get it! See a house you want? You'd go get it!!! Why let them pick you? You should search for what YOU want, then (try...) and go get them!

I messaged my now DH first, and asked him out. I also asked him out for our second date. (I made sure he suggested the third one!)

You don't need to be gushy, just keep it short, pick out something in their profile to ask them about and if they respond to that ask if they'd like to meet for a drink.

marzipanmaggie Wed 06-Jan-16 21:07:30

doje and all of you... I totally agree with this in principle. And I've spoken to tons of men who say they like to be approached/come on to/messaged etc. It's just that the practice, in my experience, is rather different and that men tend to like to feel they've come after you. Yes, a fair chunk of these men are mysogynist arses. But I have come to think that it's fairly hard-wired into the subconscious of a lot of men that they think if they haven't had to chase you you aren't worth it.

Maybe it's the kind of men I'm attracted to smile

I know it shouldn't be like that and I've met a lot of men who say it isn't like that. But I can't help being cynical....

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Wed 06-Jan-16 21:30:16

I think there might be an age 'thing' going on here possibly. I have some similar experience to the OP. I am mid 50's. Ring any bells OP? Apologies if you are not old like me are much younger smile

Justaboy Wed 06-Jan-16 22:34:20

marzipanmaggie Com on gal! its 2016 now the days of having to be "introduced" have err, gone now!.

As others have said a couple of lines of info might do the trick course others will tell that OLD is hard work sometimes, but what else if there for say the over 40's 50's or even older don't do hanging around bars and nightclubs anymore !

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Wed 06-Jan-16 22:38:03

I've never had a good response when I have
messaged first. I haven't done it lots of times so it could be coincidence but I do think a lot of men have subconscious views about women making the first move and it puts them off. It's stupid but I suspect true.

RedchairBluechair Thu 07-Jan-16 05:52:12

From my perspective (male, older -so lived through various phases of feminism -educated, a bit shy) I have had a number of relationships post-marriage through OLD, the longest being 8 years. In every case it was the woman who initiated the first contact, and I didn't question it -throughout my life I've been used to assertive women in my personal and professional lives. I am attracted to women with brains the size of small planets and who have enough baggage to show they have travelled on the path less taken!

OP you sound very nice, and all I can say to you is don't give up -it is not uncommon for people to fail to respond to messages (perhaps they just have exploratory profiles and can't reply, not being paid up). I'm sorry to say, sometimes I've not replied to messages, particularly if they are obviously from woman who have not personalised their messages or who write in text speak.

Initiating the first contact, and subsequently showing that you like someone, is not "chasing", it's just using the medium there for the purpose. If you met me in a public, social situation where it was obvious I was single you and liked the look of me, if you came over and said hi I'd not ignore you!

tanyadm Thu 07-Jan-16 06:04:11

Just to add/update, the lovely man I have been chatting with, who I messaged first, I asked him out last night and we are meeting at the weekend. A genuine, good man, who sees women as equals, isn't going to be put off by being approached.

If you want something, go for it. What have you got to lose. If they react badly to being messaged, they aren't worth it anyway.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: