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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Pregnant, dad doesn't want to know. I have really messed up

27 replies

Plasticbagpandas · 05/01/2016 19:22

I have made such a cock up I am a complete idiot.

So I went on a works do in November and my colleague brought her brother. I have met him a couple of times as she has brought him to a few work things before.
It was my first night out since my DH passed away a year ago and I went a bit mad and drank too much. He was flirting with me and I was flattered as no-one usually pays me any attention. After the night out I went to his with his sister and he offered to let me stay at his rather than trying to get a taxi.
I agreed and I continued drinking at his. Eventually his sister fell asleep and I don't remember the exact details but we went to his room to have sex.

Once we had sex I got upset because I had only ever had sex with my DH, he insisted that I had to go home and he drove me back to mine (he hadn't been drinking)

I had a suspicion that I was pregnant last week so I took the test and I am. I had to beg his sister to give me his number and I called him and told him and he was disgusted and he told me I was a horrible slit and insisted it wasn't his. I said it had to be but he won't accept it and he told me that he would never get involved in this game and I had to terminate it now of it was his then he hung up and has ignored me since.

I have so so messed up, I have 3 other DCs who are still struggling with the loss of their dad. The only help I get is from PILs but if I'm pregnant by another man they might hate me and leave me with no-one.

I can't believe I was so stupid and I don't know what to do now. It would be better to have an abortion but I don't think I can do it. But I'm not sure what else i can do.

OP posts:

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mum2mum99 · 05/01/2016 19:26

It sounds really tough plastic. How do you feel about having 4 dcs?

Plasticbagpandas · 05/01/2016 19:32

I don't know DH and I always wanted 4 (maybe 5) but it was always with him and its so much harder just me without a baby.

OP posts:

Offred · 05/01/2016 19:34

Oh my goodness how are you to blame for anything in this situation?

He, when he was stone cold sober, had sex with an extremely drunk woman without a condom and he calls you names?!

He sounds like a complete sociopath.

How do you feel about the sex, do you feel it was consensual?

BooOzMoo · 05/01/2016 19:35

What Offred said.... Basically!

y0rkier0se · 05/01/2016 19:35

Don't be too hard on yourself. You're not a complete idiot at all. It's a tough decision that only you can make. How old are DCs? It may be really difficult for them to accept that you've 'moved on' without thinking that you've forgotten their dad. Especially difficult as you're not in a relationship with the man. I think I would terminate in these circumstances but only you can decide what's right for you. And please please stop being so harsh on yourself. for you.

Offred · 05/01/2016 19:36

How you deal with this pregnancy is of course entirely up to you, I appreciate it is extremely difficult, you are not a bad mother or a bad person because of it.

Offred · 05/01/2016 19:45

I mean read your OP back. You describe you being understandably vulnerable. Him having met you before and I assume knowing about your DH, Him flirting, him 'offering' to let you stay even though he was sober and could have driven you home, him providing a drunk and vulnerable woman with more alcohol when he was sober, him driving you home after the sex indicating it was all about sex not letting you stay, then him verbally abusing you for having sex with him...

If it was not your post would you describe that woman as an "idiot"?

Plasticbagpandas · 05/01/2016 19:56

I think it was consensual, it's all rather blurry but I'm pretty sure I wanted to do it at the time.

My other DCs are 4,6 and 12

OP posts:

Offred · 05/01/2016 20:04

If you were too drunk to give effective consent then legally it could be rape. That's only relevant if you want to report it.

Apart from that, how you feel in this situation is the most important thing. You can decide how you feel about it and decide that you do or don't think it could be reported and do or don't report it etc

He is at best an extremely dodgy human being who has treated you really, really badly and you should not listen to any of his insults.

Whatever you decide to do it needs to be the right choice for you and you should not accept anyone who is less than supportive of that - that's the case for any woman who is pregnant in any difficult situation.

Offred · 05/01/2016 20:09

What kind of support network do you have around you at the moment?

Plasticbagpandas · 05/01/2016 20:13

Thanks offred

I don't have a great support network really PILs help me tremendously as I said but apart from them I struggle I have a couple of close friends but they have their own lives. My brother tries to help but he lives hours away and has his own family as well.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 05/01/2016 20:16

Do you want his child, though, OP? I would have thought your life would be incredibly complicated if you did.

Offred · 05/01/2016 20:16

Do you have any ideas for building a support network?

Support is really beneficial in a situation like this whether it is counselling from the NHS, support from a support organisation or building friendships.

How would you feel about discussing things with a pregnancy choices organisation or with rape crisis?

Plasticbagpandas · 05/01/2016 20:22

I don't really want his child, he is obviously not a great person but at the same time I'm.Not sure I want an abortion either.

OP posts:

Plasticbagpandas · 05/01/2016 20:23

I hadn't really thought about building a support network till now it feels like it has all happened so fast and I am so confused. I will look into those options though.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 05/01/2016 20:24

You're at a very, very early stage in the pregnancy, OP. Nobody wants an abortion, obviously, but it would be much easier now than in a couple of months. If you are going to be without your PIL's support you will really struggle. Sorry you're in such a bad situation.

Offred · 05/01/2016 20:25

Have you spoken with the GP about it?

Counselling re the pregnancy could be really helpful. You don't necessarily need to get bogged down in worrying about how you will feel in the future about whatever you decide. Having some counselling can help you make a choice that is based on things you consider here and now. You can never predict how you will feel in the future about anything but knowing you made the choice that was best at the time is enormously helpful for the future.

Offred · 05/01/2016 20:32

And to be clear I am sitting firmly on the fence and not giving you an indication of what you should decide because I've made both decisions and I don't want to say there is a 'right' or 'wrong' choice. Your life belongs to you.

Offred · 05/01/2016 20:36

You can also have a look at bpas advice on their website for how to find approved counselling support; www.bpas.org

Offred · 05/01/2016 20:37

(And of course you might find imp's advice more helpful, everyone's different!)

Plasticbagpandas · 05/01/2016 20:49

I haven't spoken to my GP yet

OP posts:

Newyearnewme2016 · 05/01/2016 21:12

What is your financial and practical situation like eg can you manage with four children as a single parent, do you work, can you afford to take time off etc.

I couldn't do it in your situation (lone parent to two myself and struggled to hold down a job.)

Flamingo1980 · 05/01/2016 21:13

Have you got good friends who you can talk to or go to medical appointments with...?

Newyearnewme2016 · 05/01/2016 21:15

I wouldn't want to be linked with him in any way either.

CumbriaMum91 · 05/01/2016 21:53

I agree with PP's however I don't think I could have one under any circumstances so I totally understand why you're struggling OP. I really wish the best for you, it sounds absolutely like he took advantage and I wouldn't put him on the birth certificate if you do have this baby. Maybe PIL will be understanding if you explain you were taken advantage of, you are only human. Best of luck x

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