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Moving on after sudden end of relationship

(18 Posts)
DeliaSmithsOvenGlove Tue 05-Jan-16 17:18:54

Regular but NC

Been living with my DP for 3 years, I travel a lot for work so we worked hard to prioritise quality time when we were together. However 2 months ago I got back from a trip to discover that he'd moved out. No messages nothing. Blocked my phone number and has avoided me at all costs. His family are also confused.

Its now about 2 months later and I'm struggling. We had what I thought was my 'forever' relationship, there were no problems, we were talking about buying a house together.

Obviously I don't feel as I can be in a relationship with someone who is able to behave like this and there's no going back, but I don't know how to move on.

I've lost my best friend and my partner and I don't know why

antimatter Tue 05-Jan-16 17:25:27

It looks like he is not close to his family (unless they are lying).

I remember threads in the past where this kind of behaviour was associated with severe depression of the person who moved out and cut of all contact.

DeliaSmithsOvenGlove Tue 05-Jan-16 17:48:19

Yeah he's not very close. Myself, his family and friends have all been worried about depression, and he actually told me he felt down a couple of weeks before he moved out. But he's since told his parents that I made that up and he's fine...

Fckup Tue 05-Jan-16 18:12:57

How awful for you, its hard enough anyway to move on but worse if you don't understand what happened. Have you thought of counselling?

crazyhead Tue 05-Jan-16 18:18:50

Do you know where he is? Does he have friends who he's in contact with who you could talk to? I think I'd personally want to push just a bit more for an explanation even though as you say this is clearly no good

antimatter Tue 05-Jan-16 18:30:35

I bet he went into a panic mode over something and devided couldn't cope with his current situation.

I would like to grt to tge bottom of it. However he may just run away again.

DeliaSmithsOvenGlove Tue 05-Jan-16 19:13:05

I don't want to put friends in a difficult position. A couple of them have tried to talk to him and he's either refused or told them we had a breakup conversation and I didn't listen confused

I think I have to accept that I might never know. He's deleted me from FB and blocked my number. I ran into him at his work the other day (retail) and he blanked me. Short of making a scene which I don't think would be helpful I don't think he's ever going to volunteer information

I don't think I can change his behaviour. But I guess I need to find ways of coping with the fact that the last 3 years have been a lie, and I'm starting all over again

WickedWax Tue 05-Jan-16 19:16:58

I think he's been unspeakably cruel, and getting over this is almost going to be like a bereavement. I doubt you'll ever get any real 'closure'. Please do consider getting some counselling flowers.

DeliaSmithsOvenGlove Tue 05-Jan-16 19:42:14

Thanks Wicked it does feel like a bereavement.
I'm just struggling to accept that I wasn't worth even a text. I spent 3 weeks after he left giving him space and trying to be supportive, thinking he was having a crisis

hollieberrie Tue 05-Jan-16 20:02:52

OP something similar happened to me. One minute we were living together, engaged, trying for a baby, blissfully happy, the next minute it was over and has never ever spoken to me again! confused . It has been a major head fuck. I am 15 months on and i still struggle.

He blanked you in a shop? What the actual fuck? My sympathies. You think you know someone, and well...

I'd second the counselling recommendation and also suggest trying to keep busy. I had to cut all mutual friends in the end as even hearing his name set me off sobbing. Don't look for answers as chances are you wont get any. Counselling helped me to see that my ex was disordered and i wouldnt have been able to change it. I'm so sorry youre going through this, it really is hard to deal with.

DeliaSmithsOvenGlove Tue 05-Jan-16 20:34:43

Thanks hollie yes I keep crying too - it catches ne unawares in public and I feel like a bloody fool!

Went to the pub with mutual friends the other week who had been sold the 'breakup conversation where I didn't listen' line and ended up in tears. They actually said they thought my description was genuine but I still felt like a blooming lunatic!

It's so unnecessary!

hollieberrie Tue 05-Jan-16 22:20:12

Oh hugs for you Delia, it really is tough. You sound strong and like you are coping quite well - well done for functioning.

I wish i had better advice, but i just had to kind of go through it, and eventually it gets a bit easier.

Did he ever show signs of being like this before? Could he have met someone else?

Dont feel like a fool, he has messed up your head and you'd have to have a heart of stone not to be hurt and upset. Counselling is a good place to talk it all out if you feel awkward discussing (and sobbing!) with friends.

I know it doesnt feel like it but better to find out now than later down the line. I know what you mean about having to start again. That daunts me too, and makes me so sad as i thought everything was great. Sigh.

Stay strong, youre doing well.

Morasssassafras Wed 06-Jan-16 10:57:35

I'm not saying he is one by any means but you might find it helpful to do some reading about being discarded by a narcissist. This is something narcissists do often so there is lots of advice out there about moving on without getting any answers from them.

DeliaSmithsOvenGlove Wed 06-Jan-16 16:33:25

Thanks everyone

Sansoora Wed 06-Jan-16 16:55:53

Im sorry this has happened to you and the only advice I can give is to forget there is such a goddamn awful bloody saying as 'moving on'. It does those who have had their heartbroken such a disservice. How about giving yourself time to catch your breath and to hell with 'moving on'.

As for how your ex is behaving? Well, you know, sometimes there is no answer and we just have to live with the fact they were able to do the things they did and still do. Others may think that if the person can behave the way they have that it makes it easier to sort your head and your heart out but from personal experience I don't think it does. I think it makes it harder.

Be kind to yourself for now and try to stop looking for answers. They're not always the best thing for you and may even end up making you feel worse.

flowers

FedUpWithJudgementalPeople Wed 06-Jan-16 19:02:24

This kind of happened to me, not quite so bad but thought I was getting married in a couple of weeks time and then suddenly I wasn't. He didn't totally disappear on me like yours has but no amount of talking or questioning him provided any sort of explanation.

I also questioned whether he was depressed but have come to the conclusion he wasn't depressed, he was just cruel and spineless.

He can't provide the explanation you want because he doesn't have that level of understanding of his own shoddy behaviour. He's a tosser, basically.

What helped me was repeating to myself over and over that "it just doesn't matter". It doesn't matter what his reasoning is, whether he's depressed or not, he's still behaved horribly and there is no going back.

I did also read a book called Uncoupling which I found helpful. It maybe gave me some answers he couldn't.

You will tie yourself in knots for a while trying to work it out but eventually you will let it go.

FedUpWithJudgementalPeople Wed 06-Jan-16 19:04:23

Also don't waste your time worrying about him, I did that for a while and then got to the point where I had to value my own mental health over his.

While you are worrying about him being depressed he has no such qualms about putting you through the wringer. Fuck him.

something2say Wed 06-Jan-16 19:13:10

I'm sorry to hear about what happened xx I'd say tho, don't try to get straight over it. Just grieve X it will pass if you let it out x

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