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Erm sex issue, please can you advise me?

(16 Posts)
WhereOhWhereHasItGone Tue 05-Jan-16 15:17:14

I've posted this in the sex topic, but no one seems to be reading it (and I'm being impatient sorry). Sorry if I've posted it in the wrong place. Any advice very welcome. I'm not a troll honest.

I've name changed because I'm very identifiable on this site.

Briefly, I was with my ex for 26 years, never ever had a problem having an orgasm through sex or otherwise. I separated from him at the beginning of last year and then went through a very difficult divorce during the year. I have recently met a new man and started having sex with him.

He does everything right but I just can't come! I have a couple of times through oral but not through PIV and I really want to. I think he's starting to become a bit fixated on making me come which I can see will start to add pressure to me (and him).

I'm 45 so wondering if menopausal things are happening. I tried to masturbate the other day and failed to come then too (admittedly was disturbed by both the cat and my ds). I've not failed to orgasm through masturbation otherwise.

Any solutions? Any ideas? What can I try? I really don't want this to become an issue and I just want to have an orgasm with lovely new man.

I'm hoping it's just a psychological issue and will resolve itself, but any pointers or tips would be helpful.


WhereOhWhereHasItGone Tue 05-Jan-16 15:18:03

oh and I really fancy him and really want to have sex with him.

Seeyounearertime Tue 05-Jan-16 15:20:58

If you can come with oral, clitoral stimulation I assume?, maybe you could focus on that for a while and remove the pressure of PIV orgasm?

The more you worry, the less it helps I believe. smile

WhereOhWhereHasItGone Tue 05-Jan-16 15:30:53

yes. That's true.

I probably need some erm friction to have a pIV orgasm, but always achieved it before really easily. I don't think I'm doing it differently now.

Seeyounearertime Tue 05-Jan-16 15:38:10

There are aids you can get that might help.
Penis sleeves. grin (I love that phrase, penis sleeve, grin)

ScarletBegonias Tue 05-Jan-16 15:51:00

I can't claim any great expertise but I gather most studies show only around 30 per cent of women orgasm from PiV sex, so you were in a fortunate minority before. And all couples fit together uniquely, so maybe you need to experiment with positions a bit. You on top, or him on top but with his body higher up in relation to yours (if you see what I mean) might help? Or perhaps you could get nearly there through oral then switch to PiV to finish off?

As Seeyounearertime says, the main thing is probably to try not to make a big deal of it, because the harder you both try the less likely it may be to happen. So maybe just enjoy it as it is for a while.

Good luck!

WhereOhWhereHasItGone Tue 05-Jan-16 16:52:35

thanks both. can't look at the link as I'm at work, but I'd prefer to try other methods first I think.

Maybe we'll just carry on as we are and the rest will come back at some stage.

It's just very frustrating as I never had any problems before (appreciate I was lucky).

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks Tue 05-Jan-16 17:37:57

Perhaps you and your ex were a particularly good fit, so his penis stimulated you in just the right way during PIV. Every man varies in size, shape and angle of dangle, so each one rubs us in slightly different places, even in the same position. So you might find that different positions work with your new man.

"I think he's starting to become a bit fixated on making me come which I can see will start to add pressure to me (and him)."
When men really want me to come it's an orgasm killer for me. It's like being put in the spotlight and being expected to perform! He needs to back off and just let you enjoy the sensations with no pressure or expectation to come.

extrastrongblackcoffee Tue 05-Jan-16 18:12:41

Yes to him backing off! The pressure is very off-putting...I know.

If you can cum through oral, clitoral stimulation, then I very much doubt it's anything hormonal. Most women can only cum this way, but I appreciate that if you were once able to with piv, then you want to be able to again! I'm sure you will. Just relax and don't get fixated on the idea. Same goes to him.

Justaboy Tue 05-Jan-16 18:17:48

WhereOhWhereHasItGone All I could suggest is to ask you new bloke to stop fixating on getting you to scream from the rafters!, its not going to help him or you at all. You, as I'm sure any woman here will probably tell you, are most likely far from relaxed or feel secure enough yet with him for starters. Let alone all the emotional upset that's gone on won't help matters either.

I have read, as i suppose that may will agree on, the PIV "pops" are less often than oral ones and that stimulation type etc but I can't help thinking that anxiety here is the main cause of the problem.

See if you can get him calmed down a bit, also a few gasses of a nice wine might help with the relaxation:-)

Best of luck!

bbcdollybird Tue 05-Jan-16 21:56:01

I 2nd the penis sleeve but also early morning sex when you wake up together. I'm often super-relaxed then & I think that helps.

hefzi Tue 05-Jan-16 22:13:13

You're not taking any medication, are you? I am extremely sensitive naturally, but with ADs, orgasm is virtually impossible sad If there's nothing like that that could be causing it, I vote for the chill out approach - you were with your ex a long time, and have had a traumatic time of things: it's probably just a whole settling down and relaxing thing, and will come back down the line with your DP. If he's really focussed on it, though, it can be counter-productive - so mutual chilling is in order!

YouAreMyRain Wed 06-Jan-16 20:52:05

What hefzi says. When I split from my exH I was on antidepressants for the first time in my life. I couldn't orgasm. It took me ages to realise the connection.

0dfod Wed 06-Jan-16 21:02:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

0dfod Wed 06-Jan-16 21:04:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhereOhWhereHasItGone Wed 06-Jan-16 21:18:31

grin at the penis sleeve. I'm not sure we're quite at the stage where I could present that to him.

Thanks everyone. No I'm not on antidepressants or any medication. I think I just need to take the pressure off (psychologically) and persevere.

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