Am I really an arse or am I just married to one?

[MagazineAddict39]

DH seems to think that I am a complete arse and not very nice but I really think that actually it's him that's being an arse and that because I won't always do as he says/wants he then says I'm awful. He is very bossy and quite a know all and can't ever accept that he isn't always right and that I don't want to do as he says. If I don't go along with what he wants all the time he says I'm an arse and that I have an attitude problem.

For example, a conversation in a shop between us might go like this

Me: I really need to get some new boots
Him: No don't get boots they're a waste of money, get shoes instead
Me: I don't really want shoes as it's cold at the moment, I'd prefer boots.
Him: Oh right, like that is it? Oh well, whatever.
Me: What do you mean?
Him: Well it's your attitude towards me.

Obviously this isn't an exact conversation but it's the kind of thing that happens. I am expected to just trail along behind him all the time doing as he says.

The other thing is he doesn't do much in the house and often if he's said he'll do something he'll 'forget', often quite big things that need doing. Then I am an arse when I ask if it's been done or am annoyed as it hasn't been done, and I should be understanding, and I'm a nag, and I have an attitude problem. Basically he turns it round onto me and I'm the bad one and he then sulks with me!

To put it in a nutshell, he wants to have boundaries and do as he pleases and have his own opinions but I am not allowed these things and I am getting fed up with it all.

I have tried and tried and tried but I really feel that I am not an arse and nor do I have an attitude problem. Doesn't help that I had abusive parents (am now NC with them, if DH really wants to hurt me he will say no wonder they weren't nice to me as I'm so awful), so am programmed really to please people and to hate disapproval.

[BlackeyedShepherdsbringsheep]

ltb

lt controlling b

[Jan45]

Sorry but there's no way I'd be sharing FA with anyone who referred to me as an arse.

Your partner is a controlling nasty piece of work OP, that's not a healthy relationship you are in.

[Marchate]

You are married to a controlling bully. They always blame their victim

[iamEarthymama]

Oh bless you!
He knows he can hurt you by saying these things, and yet he says them!
Please get your things together in all ways, finances etc and walk away without a backward glance!

Come to Wales and I will go shopping for bouts with you.
I had trouble with my wife while we were just browsing on one of our favourite shops.
She was trying to insist I had a pair of boots because they were a bargain, I was insisting that I didn't need them.
I had to say but I don't LOVE them to persuade her not to treat me.

That's how your life should be xx

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Its not you, its him.

Your DH is doing a behaviour called projecting; your parents likely also did that behaviour to you as well when you were a child. They basically blamed you for all their inherent ills just like your H is doing now. Its no great surprise that you married someone like this man, they programmed you almost into doing so. You learnt an awful lot of damaging stuff about relationships when growing up.

People pleasing comes from a fear of rejection or fear of failure. Fear of Rejection is the underlying feeling that, “If I don’t do everything I can to make this person happy they might leave or stop caring for me.” Fear of Rejection can come from early relationships in which love was conditional or in which you were rejected/abandoned by an important person in your life (parent left or was emotionally unavailable or inconsistently available). Fear of Failure is the underlying feeling that “If I make a mistake, I will disappoint people and/or be punished.” Fear of failure can arise from early experiences with severe punishment for even small mistakes. People who had highly critical parents may develop a people-pleasing pattern. Early experiences with harsh criticism or punishment can lead to significant anxiety upon attempting a task. Even though the parent or other important person in your life who doled out the criticism may no longer be in your life, anxiety is an emotion that can live on for a very long time. To deal with that anxiety, we do everything we can to get things right, finish the job, and make sure everybody is happy.

You do not need to be accepted by others, you really now need to accept yourself.

Would you consider talking to an organisation like Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247; they can and will help you further here.

Oh and buy your new boots regardless of his witterings and baseless objections.

[pocketsaviour]

if DH really wants to hurt me he will say no wonder they weren't nice to me as I'm so awful

That alone makes it clear who the arse is in this relationship. (Spoiler: it isn't you.)

Do you have DC together OP? What is the situation if you wanted out?

[Seeyounearertime]

It doesn't matter who is or isn't an arse, it matters that you sound very unhappy. Why are you with him if he doesn't make you happy?

[BathtimeFunkster]

Why don't you just do what he wants all the time?

Why must you make your own choices and have your own opinions?

It's almost as if you think you're a person.

[BogusCatAndThePunk]

if DH really wants to hurt me he will say no wonder they weren't nice to me as I'm so awful

This line alone says it all, IT is HIM

[Psycobabble]

Are you married to my ex??

Seriously I could hve written that exact post

Everything alway my fault
If he did something wrong - I'm over reacting and the argument then became about what a horrible person I was

I do something wrong - argument about what a horrible person I was

Thankfully you are at the point were you have realised that in actual fact it's not you that's the arse at all

It took me a while to figure out that I had many sucsefull friendships and work relationships and none of those people seemed to think I was the horrible person my ex seemed to think I was and funnily enough my now dp doesn't ever seen to think I'm horrible or call me names or twist everything into an argument we get along perfectly happily which is strange considering what an utter bastard I apparently was

I honestly think what you describe is controlling but then maybe I'm just more sensitive to that now ??

[DesertOrDessert]

I St for comparison, the boots conversation in thus house would go something like:
Me: I really need to get some new boots
Him: OK. Are you sure you want boots not shoes? I seem to remember you not likeing them last time you bought some.
Me: yep, my toes are freezing
Him: theres enough money in the account, want me to take the kids swimming while you shop?

[Joysmum]

My response would be to question why he thought I hadn't fully considered my needs?

[Threefishys]

Yeh regardless of who is behaving like an arse neither of you seem keen on each other. Lifes too short.

[HortonWho]

"Your parents likely also did that behaviour to you as well when you were a child..."

Sorry to intrude, but while you're pulling out random "facts" from that crystal ball, would you mind sharing tomorrow's lotto numbers?

[ineedabodytransplant]

When I was married my wife would say...look at the boots/shoes I bought.

Unless I was asked I would have no say in what she wore. I wasn't her boss/owner.

Your H is an arse of the first order. He's trying to keep you down where (he thinks) you belong. Possibly why he and you got together. He probably thought he could 'control' you.

Do us all a favour...prove the twat wrong {grin]

Best diet ever..ditch several stone of waste in one go.

Win win

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

It is not a random fact; whatever gave you that idea?.

OP had abusive parents; such people taught her a lot of damaging stuff about relationships when she was growing up. Many people can develop people pleasing characteristics if raised by critical and or otherwise unfeeling parents, it becomes a coping mechanism.

[MyCatHasStaff]

Attila you summed up my childhood and subsequent first marriage perfectly.

[MagazineAddict39]

Psychobabble, that is exactly how DH is. If he does something wrong I'm always accused of over reacting, of not being understanding, and he ends up sulking with me even though it was him in the wrong initially. Yet if I fuck up at all he isn't understanding and certainly over reacts.

[Offred]

Why is it random?

OP said in her first post her parents are abusive and she has NC. It's a logical and helpful explanation.

[MadamCroquette]

Agree with PPs, it's him. But also why would he even be with you in a shop? If he's a pain to shop with, you can go on your own. I do because my DP doesn't like shopping and has a tendency to moan, and it's much easier to make decisions when I don't feel rushed. So the first he knows about me buying boots is when I've bought boots.

Do you feel you have to ask him if you can spend money?

You say "I'm not allowed these thing" but actually he can't stop you having opinions and boundaries. In the conversation you mentioned you can still say "Yup, I am sure I want boots. Yes, it is like that. Why is that a problem exactly? Oh I see, you're just picking a fight, yawn. Well, see ya, I'm just off to pay for these" etc.

I'm not saying it's your fault he's like this - it really isn't - but you can start by just not taking him seriously. What's it got to do with him what you wear on your feet? You know he's being ridiculous, so just act as if he's making no sense and shrug it off.

Though leaving him also a good idea by the sound of it. He just wants to pick fights and then win them so he can bolster himself up. That's not what a relationship should be like.

[Psycobabble]

Horrible isn't it but honestly that was the most frustrating part for me the fact that whoever was at fault ultimimatly it would be me gettig the grief

Honestly I worry sometimes about giving advice on here ( on the rare occasions I do) because there's often a lot of LTB thrown about without people knowing the full picture but this one area is just one that rings so true for me and I hate to think of other women putting up with the crap I did

Has he always been this way
Can you speak to him about give him some concrete example of what you feel is hypocritical behaviour by him . What would he say ? Does he ever concede he is wrong ?

[Offred]

It is DARVO which is an abusive behaviour.

[Jux]

Yes, it's him.

I have a few questions though, rather than saying LTB straight away.

Is he generous?
Does he push, shove, stand in doorways so you can't get past?
Do you have friends with whom you are regularly in touch?
Do you go out with friends for an evening letting your hair down?
Who owns the house/whose name is on the tenancy?
Do you work?
Do you have children?

Get your ducks in a row.