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Sexual problems - need advice please

(13 Posts)
strawberrylover123 Mon 04-Jan-16 23:18:13

I feel like a bit of an intruder because I'm not a mum but I need some advice and came across this forum and felt that I could find some help here.

So let me start at the beginning. I'm in my 20s and in my first serious relationship. We have been together for 2 years now and everything is going great except for our sex life. I was a virgin when we met and lost my virginity to my boyfriend last November. At first, I found it extremely painful to have sex. At first it was excruciating but after a few months I got used to it, although it was still quite painful.

I am on the pill now and we have stopped using condoms and it has gotten so much better. I don't find it painful at all anymore, which is great. But I still haven't had an orgasm after over a year. And what's worse is that I really don't like sex at all, I see it as a chore. I don't even enjoy it when my boyfriend touches me or when we are kissing. Before we had sex, I used to love being physical with him but now I just can't wait to get it over with and go to sleep.

He has been really supportive and understanding but his sex drive is also much higher than mine. I don't want to keep turning him down and, to be honest, I am frustrated too because I want to have a good physical relationship and enjoy sex too.

I'm not really sure what to do, we have just been trying to keep going with the hope that it's going to improve, but after over a year I am starting to lose hope!

I would appreciate any help at all! Thanks a lot ladies!

whitershadeofpale Mon 04-Jan-16 23:38:37

Well if you keep doing the same things, you're going to get the same results. Do you know what you like? Sharing that with your DP would be a great place to start, penetration is only part of sex and unless your naturally buoy that way and relaxed and turned on you're not going to have an orgasm that way.

strawberrylover123 Mon 04-Jan-16 23:45:37

Thank you for the advice Whitershadeofpale. I suppose that my problem is that nothing really feels good to me anymore. We have tried many different things but the outcome is always the same.

whitershadeofpale Mon 04-Jan-16 23:59:44

I think maybe you've put so much pressure on yourself that it now feels like a chore that's guaranteed to be disappointing rather than something fun. What about it when you're on your own? Can you orgasm then?

Smorgasboard Tue 05-Jan-16 00:29:07

From what you say, you have endured a few months of painful sex. That is unusual, and quite possibly could of formed a connection to the experience and your BF in your mind.
Maybe it's how the situation of your pain was dealt with. It sounds as though your BF may have continued with sex regardless of your discomfort and maybe there is unresolved resentment there? Good that the pain seems to have resolved, but did you seek any medical advice at the time or just persist with it? Have you perhaps persisted with the discomfort to please him at the expense of yourself? Sex should always be about pleasuring each other, but it seems you continue to give without getting return as it has become a chore.

Pipestheghost Tue 05-Jan-16 00:34:17

Firstly the pill can lower your labido.
Secondly you need to explore your body to find out what you like.

PinkFlamingoAteMyLipstick Tue 05-Jan-16 00:40:53

In my experience (and I've had a fair bit) orgasm's more about chemistry between you and your DP rather than what you do or he does/doesn't do. If the chemistry isn't there it ain't never gonna happen. If the chemistry is there, a partner who knows what he's doing does help in the long run grin. Kegel excercises work wonders too. That said, sex in a relationship is more about intimacy and having fun than reaching orgasm. Good sex with someone you love really is ridiculously funny at times. If you've had chemistry in the past but it's been lost either due to pain or performance pressure, I do agree with whiter, you need to be able to communicate with your partner openly, relax and explore what works for you. That means physically and verbally guiding your partner during sex (verbally, be encouraging if possible, "mmm, that's good there" and physically move to a different position if what's happening at that moment is not good for you). You need to have explicit conversations about what turns you on when you are not having sex. And flirt with each other as often as possible. Quite often issues surrounding sex are reflecting other aspects of your relationship as well, so take the time to look at the whole picture.

TolpuddleFarter Tue 05-Jan-16 00:53:38

First things first, can you achieve orgasm on your own? If not, I suggest you practise on your self first.

When I first started having sex, I found I could guarantee orgasm by me being on top.

strawberrylover123 Tue 05-Jan-16 01:14:36

Thanks for all the responses!
So to answer your questions - yes, I can reach orgasm by myself. To be honest, I do feel pressure to make my boyfriend happy sexually. I mean, if I ask him to stop, he would definitely do so and never made me feel bad about it, but I do feel bad. I feel like I'm letting him down, especially because he would always be up for having sex and I am rarely interested. I feel like a big disappointment. I did talk to my doctor when I was getting on the pill but they told me that sometimes it takes time and didn't suggest that anything was wrong with my physically.

There is another issue that I haven't mentioned yet, I have great difficulties with anxiety. Not so much now as when I was younger, but it has certainly interfered with my sexual functioning in the past. When I was younger, I was in a relationship and we never had sex because we were quite young and I was too scared, but I still enjoyed the physical contact a lot. Then I learned from him how to pleasure myself and it was really intense and I wanted to do it multiple times a day. Then suddenly, I would do it and instead of having an orgasm, I would just feel pain. About a year later, I started suffering from my anxiety issues and got diagnosed with anxiety disorder. I got treatment for it and I'm fine now, my sexual interest returned and I was able to get pleasure again but it was never the same, just a watered down version of what I felt before.

This was a few years ago so I'm not sure if it's related to what I'm experiencing now - but I figured it must be!

PinkFlamingoAteMyLipstick Tue 05-Jan-16 07:10:47

Then OP you have your answer ... It's the anxiety that's the problem, and the pressure you feel to perform. Worth going back to the doctor and not taking no for an answer, but broadening the question

mudandmayhem01 Tue 05-Jan-16 07:32:49

In my early 20s I had a long-term relationship with a lovely man, but sexually he just didn't click with me, I hated sex and was having sex every 6 weeks as a duty. I couldn't face the rest of my life like this ( not fair on him either) we broke up and I met my future husband, having good sex as part of a relationship was a complete revelation. 20 years later we are still very happy.

mum2mum99 Tue 05-Jan-16 10:44:50

Are you attracted to other men? Do you feel a sexual desire sometimes when you see an attractive guy? Or a woman?
What rocks your boat?
I know that for me there is the doing phase but the most important part happens in my head with emotions and fantasies. So hence the question what turns you on.

TolpuddleFarter Wed 06-Jan-16 15:03:22

Though anxiety is a big factor here, your partner could be a major contributor to that.

When I met someone who I was absolutely comfortable with, didn't feel pressure, felt sexy and wanted the orgasms were very frequent (and strong.)

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