Namechanged, not posted for ages. Old StatelyHome-r .I have done so much work on myself after many EA relationships.
I have 5 DC ,4 teens and a 5yoDD.I work ft and am strong and more sorted than ever before.I like to think.
But here I am, abandonment stuff massively triggered, and very sad because BF has ended 9m relationship. It hurts so much. I am late 40's and worn out by disappointment and regret at past decisions and choices I made, which led to pain and hardship for all of us.
My DC are doing well, and the older ones were happy to see me involved in what looked like a fun and developing relationship.
I guess it will appear that I chose an unavailable man, and that this is for the best. But because I am hurting and had hope, I need some hand holding, and hopefully some stories of similar experiences and how others have survived.
Met a man last April, through work - although another area, so no continued connection there. He was recently separated, after a 20y marriage. Mutually. he said they had been planning separation over past 5 years, and that loss of a close relative had put things on hold for a couple of years. I was cautious and doubtful about starting anything, but ,after checking out details - met some friends and family members -we agreed to go slow , and be friends.
I have no wish for anything involving my DC , or with long term plans at present. Due to his circumstances, it seemed a good balance. We have had some lovely times together, and got very close. We started out saying we would be light and not get serious. We both acknowledged that this was changing, but agreed to go with it and carry on taking it slow.
He was at times, sad and anxious about how his DC were coping , and would talk to me about his sense of failure at the marriage failing , and having been so difficult. Because of my own history - some of which I shared, although in an edited ,light way - I was understanding, supportive, and felt encouraged that he was self aware and sensitive. I do believe this.
He had counselling during the summer. In November, we had a couple of weekends away together, and discussed introducing our DC. He said he had begun to feel that we were in a relationship, rather than just friends, and that he was happy and optimistic about the future. I remained cautious, but began to be hopeful that this could become something. I began to acknowledge to myself that I was developing feelings. This was difficult for me, as I have in the past chosen men I felt knew I would not become attached to due to not being attracted to them physically, or to emotionally unavailable ,EA men.
We agreed to go for it , and things felt lovely.His XW and I introduced one another on FB ,although without becoming friends, and we planned to introduce DC in New Year.
Over Christmas, he spent time with his DC separately , and with ExW. He spoke about how strange it felt to be playing their new roles, but how it was right, and the way forward. No doubts. Talked about forging a new connections as individuals; a new friendship with his ExW.
I spent Christmas with my DC. We got together for NY. I had a sense he was distant, and asked him about this. He initially brushed it off, but then, on 1st Jan,he brought up my comment , and said he had considered how unfair he had begun to feel he was being to me , to be with me , yet still dealing with the break up , and his feelings about starting again.
He said his counsellor had expressed concern that he was jumping into a new relationship too soon, and that some friends had said the same thing, and had expressed concern for me. He had brushed this aside, and focussed on how good things were when we were together. But now - with the anniversary of the loss of family member imminent - he feels full of thoughts and feelings about the past , and wants to allow himself time to get his thoughts together , and to create and establish himself as a separate individual.
He says it is not about me. He cried and said he has deep feelings for me. But because he respects and values me, he feels he has to let me go , because ultimately , he has decided he is not ready to be part of a couple again. Our discussions and plans had made him realise that he has not allowed himself time to be himself and to reflect on the past.
So, there's nothing I can do but accept that. I did say I would be willing to go back to being friends. But , unfortunately, I also told him I thought I was falling in love with him. So he has said he cannot continue to see me - much as he wants to - because it would not be fair , as he really cannot say how, where his thoughts or feelings will develop in future, and that he needs to be alone in order to learn this for himself.
So, he's the grown up one. I'm foolish for choosing another unavailable man. And it hurts like hell. I am being dignified and have gone NC. I intend to maintain this. But I feel like crying and begging and wailing and pleading. That is my abandonment stuff, I know. I won't act on it. I also have romantic and idealistic stuff in my head about how he's the only one i've ever felt like this about etc. And I cannot imagine wanting to date again - which is good, because in the past, I could have done so within weeks without a thought.
I feel like shit, and my thoughts are consumed with him.
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Please help old poster with emotions triggered by relationship ending- again.
9 replies
PysgodMawr · 04/01/2016 20:52
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