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To hate confrontation again

(22 Posts)
wrongtime Mon 04-Jan-16 14:55:16

My dh will never get best dh award, he had a affair about 8 years ago, I stayed. I know that I shouldn't have, didn't have mn then. Numerous reason why I stayed mostly to save every one else the pain. For anyone who has never been in this situation its not easy to just leave. I have huge trust issues because just when I think we are ok he does something else to make me realize that it isn't. Saw a counsellor who sided with dh an said I had allowed his behaviour, poor lamb wasn't getting any attention, this was not helpful! Anyway trying to keep this short an sweet.
Noticed last September that dh phone on silent again. We have had issues re this in the past that's how most of affair conducted, so understandabley I am a hyper aware, he said it was the phone going on silent on its own, it wasn't possible for this to happen we have same phone. So dh got a new phone. It continued to mysteriously go on silent at different times. I kept quiet an just noticed this continued for months. The phone doesn't seem to be going on silent now, my spidery senses tell me something was going on again. Or have I gone batshit crazy lady? I have put it off as didn't want to upset Christmas.

I want to start the new year with a clean slate, I really don't know how to broach this with dh as months have passed an the phone now is not on silent. Really eating away at me as my gut instinct shouting at me, I really don't want a argument especially if he just going to deny it, and leaves me feeling like a mad woman, he's done this before sadly. I am even thinking of going to counseler again together an saying it there. Please tell me if you think I've lost the plot as I need some perspective.

Jibberjabberjooo Mon 04-Jan-16 15:11:35

Sorry for the quick reply but two things:

Why are you still with him?
Your counsellor sounds shit and you need to find a new one.

wrongtime Mon 04-Jan-16 15:22:12

It may out me if I explain why I didn't LTB and very long an complicated. I never ever thought I would be in this situation I hate him for that too.
Counselor was uselessconfused
I just need some support at this point in time, I have a new year to plan. I want to draw a line under this an lots of other stuff for my sanity's sake.

goddessofsmallthings Mon 04-Jan-16 16:58:10

What do you mean by wanting to 'draw a line'?

Are you looking to bury his misdeeds and give him a clean slate to screw ow up on again, or are you now looking to break free of a man who's proved he can't be trusted and who you'll never trust again?

wrongtime Mon 04-Jan-16 17:37:43

No not going to bury anything, I need to move on.

Joysmum Mon 04-Jan-16 17:51:29

You do t trust him, you aren't happy. What more reason do you need to sto wasting your life on him?

So why aren't you looking for your line by drawing it now. Even without the not being happy and instinctive lack of trust, you know the made up phone thing proves he's untrustworthy.

pallasathena Mon 04-Jan-16 17:51:35

If you're to scared to confront him, that's awful for you and very hard for you to deal with. Is he just a difficult twat or a potentially violent one?

If, however, you are moving forward into a type of personal indifference regarding whether he has/ whether he hasn't got a bit on the side, then that's something else. Do you care if he has? Given everything you've been through it could be a blessing in disguise if he does plan to sod off with his floozie.

Either way, your mental health is of number one priority. You need an exit plan. Time to get your ducks in a row. And time to start demanding your right to a happy worry free life.

Jibberjabberjooo Mon 04-Jan-16 17:51:46

Well done OP! Any counsellor who sides with the person who had an affair and buys the 'woe is me' story is shit and you need to find a decent one, and go on your own.

Does he gaslight you?

Jibberjabberjooo Mon 04-Jan-16 17:55:02

Actually I was just wondering if your dh is abusive as counselling isn't recommended in these situations as the abuser can manipulate the counsellor and get them onside. Is that what happened?

AnyFucker Mon 04-Jan-16 17:57:53

What would your H say if you said you wanted to look at his phone (given no warning to delete stuff)

sparkly72 Mon 04-Jan-16 18:10:52

Was just thinking same - does he not allow you open access to his phone and emails?

wrongtime Mon 04-Jan-16 18:13:25

Probably delete stuff before he gets home, asked for old phone when mine broke he deleted all calls an text messages first but left other stuff on there. Sadly just one of a long list of horrible stuff he done.
Scared to confront in case he denies anything and know this will be used against me, has done this before. Untill I gave him the evidence. smile which he couldn't deny. Just crappy situation all round. I don't have photographic proof this time.

loooopo Mon 04-Jan-16 18:16:16

The other tactic is a another phone - look in his car - inside stuff eg - sunglasses/glasses case etc.

AnyFucker Mon 04-Jan-16 18:21:56

It sounds like you think he has never stopped his deceitful ways

That's a horrible way to live. Why do you do it ?

Arfarfanarf Mon 04-Jan-16 18:25:52

you don't need evidence to leave him. If you are not happy you can end a relationship at any time. I'm not saying you have to, I'm just saying you can. You don't have to stay until you have a 'reason' to leave that is acceptable to him or anyone else. I am unhappy is a perfectly valid reason to go.

summerwinterton Mon 04-Jan-16 18:36:45

why are you staying with him? you don't need any more proof than you have already?

Costacoffeeplease Mon 04-Jan-16 18:45:58

This is no way to live your life, are you really planning on giving him a free pass?

Waltermittythesequel Mon 04-Jan-16 18:47:14

Nobody here can tell you how to magically trust your husband, OP.

You either trust him or you don't. Sounds like you have every reason in the world not to.

You know you should leave. How can you have a clean slate if you know he's still being deceitful? Just, how?

wrongtime Mon 04-Jan-16 18:49:54

Several reasons why I'm still here. No I don't need any more proof to go, I so know that.

wrongtime Mon 04-Jan-16 18:52:06

Thanks for all the replies.

ImperialBlether Mon 04-Jan-16 18:59:07

Are the reasons why you're staying insurmountable? You shouldn't have to live like this.

Btw when he got the new phone, what happened to the faulty one? I bet if I had an hour with his car I'd find something to show he's up to something.

AnyFucker Mon 04-Jan-16 20:13:31

Oh dear. This sounds utterly miserable for you. Nobody deserves to be this unhappy because a bloke can't keep it in his pants. Please don't tell me you are keeping yourself in an untolerable situation for the sake of children.

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