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Help me fix this!

(24 Posts)
marmalade32 Mon 04-Jan-16 14:42:18

I love my DP , really love him. He's the most insecure person I have ever met. He won't move in because he doesn't think he's good enough and I'll realise how dull he is and dump him. I could go on and on but we make it work and I try and help him with his self esteem.
Until now. We appear to be having a break at his behest because I apparently had a sex dream and said my ex husbands name. He cannot handle it. He's not sleeping because he hears it when he closes his eyes , and thinks it's a hidden meaning. Why he didn't wake me at the time I have no idea. It's not a hidden meaning. I hate my ex. Really do. He was emotionally abusive and we didn't have sex for 5 years before I left.
Can someone tell me how I fix this and make him realise it meant nothing? Because he's heartbroken and I think this will finish us otherwise.

gamerchick Mon 04-Jan-16 14:47:05

Sounds exhausting.

Tbh I don't think constantly reassuring him or chivvying him along is going to help. You haven't done anything wrong so why should you fix it? This has to come from him.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 04-Jan-16 14:47:25

You cannot fix this man; doing so will drive you half insane if you try.

Its not your fault he is the ways he is; he has to want to help his own self here. You are his girlfriend, you are one of the last people who can help him here besides which he does not want your help anyway.

Let him go now and work on rebuilding your own self worth and self esteem. It appears you have simply gone from one abusive relationship into another which is in itself based on power and control. Its not a healthy relationship at all. What is there to love about this man other than he perhaps meeting your own needs?. I would read up on co-dependency.

His issues are his to fix; this man is not and never has been your project either to rescue and or save. If you anyway have rescuer and or saviour tendencies then you need to examine why that has happened in the first place.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 04-Jan-16 14:48:03

YOU cannot fix someone else.
Unless you have a professional degree in this kind of thing.
This guy sounds really messed up and only HE can fix HIMSELF.
Stop trying to SAVE him. You can't do that. He doesn't want saving.
If he did, he'd be at the GP seeking help.
Has he looked for help from GP, therapist, counsellor???
Seriously, life it too short for this kind of drama.
Let him get some help then he can come to you when he is ready.
Until then, live your life.

DoreenLethal Mon 04-Jan-16 14:53:50

Did you really have a dream and say your ex's name? Or is this likely to be bollocks?

marmalade32 Mon 04-Jan-16 15:05:25

He's scrupulously honest so it will have happened. He's been on my mind recently as I'm thinking of starting divorce proceedings at long last so i can only think thats the reason.
And it is exhausting sometimes. If I've made him so much worse, completely accidentally, I'll feel awful. I've got a milestone birthday coming up -40- and I don't want to start the second half of my life like this.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Mon 04-Jan-16 15:11:47

How does he know it was a sex dream?
You're taking on far too much responsibility for his emotional wellbeing. He sounds like he has long standing mental health difficulties which he needs to address himself, you cannot make them worse. Take a step back - try to look at things objectively. He's unwell and obsessing about this. You must stop trying to reassure him - that is actually the worst thing to do with someone in the grip of a compulsion. It simply reinforces the compulsive behaviour. You must disengage from it. Stop trying to convince him you don't want your ex back, stop telling him it means nothing. You should simply state that you will no longer discuss this and stick to it.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 04-Jan-16 15:13:37

And I often almost (and sometimes do) call my OH by my ExH name. And I'm not even asleep.
Blimey he called me by his ExW name on NYD - they sound similar but it didn't bother me a tiny bit.
His overreaction is a bit fat red flag.
Do not start the next half of your life worrying about this guy.
Move on and find someone who you don't have to walk on eggshells around all the time.
This is no way to live, so don't!

Claraoswald36 Mon 04-Jan-16 15:21:55

I have had sex dreams about my vile exh - they make me feel quite violated and are a far cry from holding a candle. You make it sound as if your dp sees this as a form of infidelity which is beyond absurd.
Otherwise this relationship sounds like a nightmare instead of loving and supportive and fun which is kind of the point of it flowers

marmalade32 Mon 04-Jan-16 15:26:09

You've all said what I was thinking but didn't really want to admit. I think I need to get him to counselling, give him his space then reevaluate
Thank you.

Lweji Mon 04-Jan-16 15:30:29

How does he even know you had a sex dream? It could have been a nightmare.

Anyway, I have become weary of people who are too insecure. ExH was like that and it was not a good outcome.

You'll do best to walk away and only consider getting back if the insecurities improve. Even if he has them, he should realise it's his problem and not your fault or something for you to fix.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 04-Jan-16 15:35:14

"I think I need to get him to counselling, give him his space then reevaluate"

No re getting him to counselling; he has to want to do that for his own self. You do not help him by doing that for him, that behaviour is enabling him.

I think you also need space from him now.

I would also carefully think about your whole approach to relationships along with what you have learnt about relationships to date.

colouredchalk Mon 04-Jan-16 15:36:45

None of this is your fault, you can't fix him and you can't mother him into counselling. Counselling won't work unless it's something he chooses to do for himself.

pictish Mon 04-Jan-16 15:38:54

Gosh he sounds like a life sentence of me-ism doesn't he?

You didn't have a sex dream about your ex and call his name out. What a liar he is.
If he's prepared to use bullshit like that to make you feel guilty, then God knows what else he'll dream up to keep you in line and at his beck and call, pandering to his insecurities and prioritising his feelings above yours time and again.

Fuck this loser off, seriously. He's right abut one thing...he isn't good enough.

pictish Mon 04-Jan-16 15:43:49

If I've made him so much worse, completely accidentally, I'll feel awful.

yes...that's what his lie was designed to do and look, it has worked. If this guy is scrupulously honest, I'll eat my hat. Supremely manipulative maybe, but honest...ha ha, no.

Wake up.

RaptorsCantPlayPoker Mon 04-Jan-16 15:48:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pictish Mon 04-Jan-16 15:53:01

Why do YOU need to get him to counselling? Are you his mummy?

If he wanted counselling, he'd make the decision to go himself. He is a grown up who is supposedly aware of his issues after all. It's not like counselling is some great mystery he'll have never heard of. Maybe it's that he'd rather just have you as his emotional crutch to take his shit out on, making up bollocks about dreams and having you practically begging to support him. hmm

Besides, counselling is not some wonder cure-all for the psychologically damaged. I don't know why some people think it is.

category12 Mon 04-Jan-16 15:53:19

He has no idea what you dream about. IF you called your ex's name, it is as likely a nightmare as a sex dream. He doesn't have access to your mind.

And even if it were a sex dream, you don't have any control over it - and it wouldn't mean you secretly want him. Hell, I have had an actual sex dream about David Cameron and believe me, I wouldn't touch him with somebody else's. shock

This man needs help. He needs to seek it for himself and you need to be out of the relationship.

Coming from an emotionally abusive relationship with your ex, maybe you have picked a grade B abuser in this man. Freedom programme?

hellsbellsmelons Mon 04-Jan-16 16:01:50

I think I need to get him to counselling
Dear god - please re-read the replies!
You've not taken anything appropriate on board as yet.
YOU CANNOT FIX HIM.

HE needs to get HIMSELF counselling.
Seriously. Cut him loose and detach.
He's a fuckwit!

summerwinterton Mon 04-Jan-16 16:06:03

how do you know you had this dream anyway? He sounds hell and I would agree you swapped one abuser for another.

goddessofsmallthings Mon 04-Jan-16 16:08:20

As Obsidian has said, how does he know you were having a sex dream and, even if it was, the meaning of a dream can be the opposite of what's taking place in ir.

Being self-deprecating can be an attractive and amusing trait, but your current boyfriend is self-loathing to the extent that he's sabotaged his relationship with you.

As has been said, yoiu can't fix him and you'll be doomed to tiptoe on eggshells around him if he doesn't seek some form of therapy for the negativity he feels for himself.

Fwiw, you can't make his insecurities any woirse and you don't stand a snowball in hell's chance of making them better if he's not prepared to work on himslef.

If he were to move in with you you'd never know from one day to another whether he'd walk out because of some real or imagined issue. In effect, he's exhibitng controlling behaviour and you're best advised to make the break you're having 'at his behest' permanent.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 04-Jan-16 16:22:40

And if you haven't done it already then call Womens Aid and sign up to do their Freedom Programme.
You seem to pick abusers so you need to spot them far sooner and see the red flags and put boundaries in place.
If you can't attend the course then you can do it on-line.

NickiFury Mon 04-Jan-16 17:20:59

He sounds exhausting and believe me I am trying to be polite. How have you tolerated this precious prince all this time? I went out with someone similar; we lasted four months and that was too long. I actually walked out and left him in a pub during a date one night, I couldn't bear to look at his "suffering" face for a moment longer.

PrimeDirective Mon 04-Jan-16 18:15:14

What a twat!
How does he come the conclusion that you were having a sex dream about your ex? How are you even responsible for you dreams?

This is all entirely his problem. You are not the cause and you are not making it worse. It is not your job to fix him.

He's a grown man, he needs to take responsibility for himself.
This is abusive behaviour.

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