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(13 Posts)
2016ismyyear Mon 04-Jan-16 10:30:49

I'd really appreciate some guidance on what is healthy boundaries and expectations for female to female friendships.

I always feel like I give too much and get naff all in return.
Ive been pretty supportive to some friends and they barely give me a second thought at times. I've been pretty ill recently ( hospital) and one friend in particular who I gave alot of support to hasnt even checked how I got on. Considering I spent over six months helping her through some serious crap I'm feeling pretty hurt. I know she still has issues of her own but I don't think a hi how are you is too much to ask is it?

I'm wanting to do some work on whether my expectations are too high or whether actually I'm not expecting too much.

2016ismyyear Mon 04-Jan-16 12:22:12


spudlike1 Mon 04-Jan-16 12:52:51

It sounds like a repeating pattern choosing selfish people to be friends with (love ) trying hard to please them be a good friend then feeling hurt and rejection when it's not reciprocated.
I've done the same for years
How was your childhood My year ?

TwoKettles Mon 04-Jan-16 14:28:27

Walk away with your head held high - at least you have a clear conscience! More than your beloved mate has, I'm sure. Better luck with the future x

hellsbellsmelons Mon 04-Jan-16 14:52:01

If I was not well my friends would rally round.
They live a bit away but I know I would see them at weekends and they would invite me to theirs to get away if I needed it.
THAT is what FRIENDS would do.
I have no idea how I would have got through my marriage break up without them. They were there every step of the way, bless them.
And I'm there for them when they need me too.
It's not rocket science.
These people are not your friends.
Time to ditch and find some new, nicer friends.

2016ismyyear Mon 04-Jan-16 15:43:36

Spud not the best but not the worse. Parents divorced. difficult relationship with mother. Can never please her. Don't try to these days. Death will mourn the relationship we never had rather than the one we did iykwin.

Another friend did some stuff and people on here said no you arent out of order she is. This other friend said I was expecting to much...... I've been brewing on it (I've had plenty of time recently to think whilst Noone visited!). Actually no my expectations arent too high! Hers are too low and shes a crap friend.

I don't want to fall out with her but actually shes not a healthy person to be around. Always done kind of drama through head burying or lack of organisation. So time to withdraw......

I have got good friends I need to focus on those who have been there for me when I've needed them.

Anyone else think Facebook has created lazy friendships too?

TwoKettles Tue 05-Jan-16 16:52:53

I certainly think that. My DD said yesterday that "it's all about the numbers" when I asked her why she'd kept some fairly toxic folk on her FB list, which is so wrong. I like FB because I can talk to relatives who are abroad, keep up to date with their pics etc, but it can really be a toxic place too, and in many cases, a return to the playground days.
How are you feeling today?

Joysmum Tue 05-Jan-16 17:10:30

I've taken to mirroring the effort others put in to the friendships to reset my expectation levels. It's been interesting smile

springydaffs Tue 05-Jan-16 20:20:02

That's a good idea joysmum.

There are lots of different types of friends imo. Sometimes you don't know what type of friend you have - until there's a crisis. Never so true as 'you find out who your friends are'. I'm just coming to the end of a fucking horrible cancer 'journey' and I've had some big shocks, as well as some delightful surprises, friendswise. Suffice to say my friendship profile has changed dramatically as I come into the home strait. I feel cleansed of the shit and I'm surrounded by some awesome friends (to my surprise).

Don't take it bad that they didn't come through - it says everything about shitty them, nothing about you. When I say 'don't take it bad' I mean don't take it personally - but do reset your boundaries. Ime I've had a few short words with some friends and they've apologised and come through, chastened but I have my eye on them . Others are gone for good: if they couldn't step up in such an obvious crisis I'm no longer interested.

Take this as the chance to change your friendship group. It doesn't work that 'be nice to them and they'll be nice back'. Some people are just takers - and it takes a crisis to make that clear.

Hope you're better now xx

2016ismyyear Sat 05-Mar-16 16:48:50

Sorry I didn't come back to this.

It's been two months and as expected certain people have been shit.
A friend asked if I had fallen out with x . I think she misses you.
My response was oh well she knows where I am. No fall out but waiting for her to make some effort in friendship.

Decided I'm just not enabling her behaviour anymore. I've got my own family to focus on and a job to find.

Another friend has had a newborn. She was shit when I was in crisis raising my baby on her own. I'm not rushing to get overly involved. Preserving my energy for friends who give as well as receive.

Two kettles any tips on instilling good boundaries into our children's relationships? Have nieces and its all about the "pop up" like for like. No real friendships or self esteem.

2016ismyyear Sat 05-Mar-16 16:51:39

Springdaffs I'm sorry to here you've had a terrible time recently.
Your comment I've had some big shocks, as well as some delightful surprises, friends wise has stayed with me.
After posting this my daughter was very very ill. Two months on shes still ill. Certain people have been diamonds, some unexpected. I'm trusting what people do these days. Those who can't be bothered aren't getting my headspace anymore. Unfollow on Facebook and distance.

springydaffs Sat 05-Mar-16 18:30:09

So sorry to hear that 2016. Thinking of you all and I sincerely hope your daughter makes a good recovery flowers flowers

Borisrules Sat 05-Mar-16 18:38:46

I could have written this thread. I've always gone the extra mile in friendships and gained pleasure from helping and supporting my friends. Having gone through a miscarriage and an unrelated health problem requiring 3 operations all since the beginning of Dec I have been quite shocked by the lack of support from people I considered to be close friends and again surprised by the support from others where I may not have expected it. I've found the process very cleansing in terms of my social network and I think that Facebook in these situations is the work of the devil. I have unfollowed a lot of people on FB and de friended some. I'm in a better place for it.

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