Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

he's finally gone.

(26 Posts)
haveidonetherightthingg Mon 04-Jan-16 08:17:43

But now I'm already regretting it.
Been together 6 years married almost 2.
He's abusive. Previous DV (although he's not been physical for over a year).
I told him yesterday I have had enough and he left last night.
I feel sick.
I know in my head it's the right thing to do, but my heart is telling me something else.
I feel like I should have given him 'one last chance' even though he's had a million last chances.
Help me be strong.

TheoriginalLEM Mon 04-Jan-16 08:21:20

Well, you loved him so you are bound to feel shit. The thing is, he will never be who you want him to be. It is ok to feel the loss of the ideal but hold on to the fact you are now free from the reality and look forward to a happy future with someone who deserves you xx. stay strong

Sallyhasleftthebuilding Mon 04-Jan-16 08:23:03

Today will be hard.
Start talking - list all the bad reasons hes gone
Tell friends its food news and ask them to remind you of X Y Z if you start muttering about going back.
Think of things for you - bed to yourself - own remote - friends over
- freedom- less mess - less moaning

Sallyhasleftthebuilding Mon 04-Jan-16 08:23:37


defineme Mon 04-Jan-16 08:27:14

Could you do the online freedom programme? He's conditioned you to believe you can't live without him, but you are and you can continue to do so. 2016 can be your year on your terms.

haveidonetherightthingg Mon 04-Jan-16 08:31:42

I will not miss the arguments, feeling line in constantly walking on egg shells, worrying about him flipping. I won't miss him telling the children off for making a noise. I want to be able to be me again. I want a life and friends and some self esteem.
I want to be able to be the mother I want to be rather than having to do everything his way for fear of the backlash.

He's threatening to take the children away from me. I'm suffering from PND and worrying that if he tells SS that he'll have grounds to have them taken away

MoominPie22 Mon 04-Jan-16 08:35:56

Well done you! flowers Itś gonna take some adjusting to but you´ve absolutely done the right thing. Don´t ever doubt yourself! Where was the happy future in that relationship? Where was the respect or the love? You were hoping for a miraculous change in him at some elusive time in the future which is just fantasy. The stark reality is that he was a shit and he treat you with contempt.

Your self-esteem and confidence will rise again soon, just give it time. Spend time with friends, family and anyone who brings positivity to your life and treats you well. You will be able to look back with more clarity and objectivity and confirm to yourself that you are worth more than this fuckwit ever thought you were.

Don´t be one of these pathetic women who would rather be with an abuser than on their own. Embrace being single, answering to no-one and enjoying freedom.

You are VERY strong for doing this plus an inspiration to others in an abusive relationship. Respect!smile

gamerchick Mon 04-Jan-16 08:41:49

They always threaten to take the kids because they know it's the one thing that'll hoof us in the nads.

It rarely goes past the threat though, they don't really want full time kids. My ex even had social services drawn in and we're trying to find him a house so he could take the kids until I was called into a meeting with them and him. He gave up shortly after that.

Make it real, tell people and get as much physical bodies surrounding you as you can. Don't hesitate to ask a policeman to have a stern word if he gets bolshy and tiresum. Sometimes that does the trick.

tipsytrifle Mon 04-Jan-16 08:52:52

His threats to "take the children" are another form of emotional abuse. He really wouldn't do it. It doesn't work like that and even if he tried to involve social services he'd quickly find it would backfire on him.

You've done the right thing and it's amazing that he's left. No doubt he's counting on being able to bully his way back home. PLEASE don't cave in to the pressure he'll try to put you under. This is all abusive behaviour. He's gone and it's your time now to have and be exactly who you described above.

It's entirely possible that your pnd will vastly decrease, or even disappear, once you acclimatise to being in a healthy space. Of course it will take time to get used to it. Please give yourself and dc that time. You'll blossom well before Spring returns and what a glorious new year you're all going to have!

Has he retained any keys etc to gain entry to your home? Is this a mortgaged or rented house? Perhaps you need some legal advice just to check practicalities out, plus finances.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 04-Jan-16 09:02:01

He does NOT want the kids full time.
Are you being treated for PND?
If not then get to your GP urgently and get some help and support for that.

Was the DV reported to the police at any time?
If so then he will have no chance at all of getting the kids, even if he wanted them.
If he threatens that again then suggest 50/50, I bet he runs a mile.

Please contact Womens Aid and ask for their help and support.
You can report DV after the event.
WA can also point you in the direction of a good solicitor who specialises in abusive divorces. You will need that as he'll pull all kinds of stunts to try to get you back in line.

Ensure you have no contact with him other than in regards to access to the kids. If he keeps harrassing you then keep all texts, voicemails, social media, emails and report him to the police.
Make sure you hand the kids over in a public place or ensure you have someone with you at hand over and drop off.

You've done the hardest part. Don't let him worm his way back in.
Well done and keep strong. Cry when you need to and get as much real life support around you as you can.

ptumbi Mon 04-Jan-16 09:12:09

Agree he doesnt want 24/7 care of the kids.
He is threatening it because he knows it will hurt you like mad. He won't get them.

And having PND does not mean your children are taken away! How ridiculous a threat that is!

haveidonetherightthingg Mon 04-Jan-16 09:35:21

Yes I'm being treated for the PND. I also have a referral to a counsellor so should have an appointment in the next couple of weeks.

He's still got a key as he needs to come back for the rest of his things. We're in a rented property and both of our names are on the tenancy.

He asked me how much maintenance I want for the children before he left. I said I didn't know. I know if we come to an arrangement he'll probably pay more than if I went through CSA.

The DV was reported to the police last year. I also have some recordings of him being verbally abusive on my phone which he knows nothing about so hopefully I'll be able to use them to back me up of I needed to.

Practically I know he couldn't take the children anyway as I'm on maternity leave, he works full time and I'm not going to be returning to work as the two youngest DC are disabled and I'm going to have to become their full time carer.

I don't mind him having them over to stay with him, since his mum will be in the house too, but he's also said he'll only take the oldest, which I have firmly said no about. We have 3 children, not just 1, he can't pick and choose which he looks after and which he doesn't.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 04-Jan-16 09:40:23

Use THIS calculator as a starting point.
You sound very switched on to be honest so just keep doing what you are doing.
I'm glad the DV was reported.
Contact Womens Aid as you are probably entitled to legal aid so won't have to pay for the divorce.
Get the ball rolling and get some advice.
Maybe contact CAB and see what benefits you are entitled to as well.
Don't forget child maintenance is not taken into account so you should get quite a few benefits.
And you are totally right. He has 3 kids, and when access and contact happens he has to have all 3 of them!

Anniegetyourgun Mon 04-Jan-16 10:13:41

If he can't even cope with all three on overnight visits, even with his mum's support, he's hardly going to cope with them full time is he? Put that one to rest. It's a threat, nothing more.

I wonder if the PND may be a contributory factor to your doubts about him going. Your instincts would normally tell you that when you have a young child it is good to have someone to protect and help you. Trouble is, this man is not that person. He cannot provide the support you need, he can only add to the burden. If he didn't cause the PND as such (which according to the NHS website is quite possible) he certainly won't be helping you to get over it. You will be better off without such negativity, but it won't necessarily feel better straight away, especially with all the things you'll have to sort out now he's gone. It will feel better soon though, honestly.

And this: I won't miss him telling the children off for making a noise - they may miss him, that's natural too if he wasn't an unmitigated shit (few people are that bad all the time), but they will be able to grow up happier in a home that he isn't in charge of.

haveidonetherightthingg Mon 04-Jan-16 10:21:11

I think you've hit the nail on the head Annie. I feel very vulnerable and like I need to be protected. I've managed to get myself into a rut with friendships too, I don't have any. So the right of him being gone and my only adult interaction taken away is making me feel lonely already. I find it very hard to make friends and even harder since having children as I can't get out much.

I know our oldest is going to miss him. He was asking for him this morning. The youngest 2 are too young to understand. But little things oldest has said are helping me. Yesterday, after he'd left, I have DS a hug and told him I loved him. He said he loved me too, and that he loves daddy, but daddy shouts. It broke my heart hearing him speak like that. I thought I'd done well to protect him from those horrible bits, but obviously I've not done enough.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 04-Jan-16 10:28:17

Have a look on in your area.
You may find a group you can join that will help and you can get to know people.

I've not done enough
Well you have now. He's gone. You've heard what your DS has said so hold on to that and remember it every time you have a wobble.
If you have more wobbles then come on here and let it all out.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding Mon 04-Jan-16 12:53:55

There are lots of disability groups that support parents. Look at those so you`re not alone in that. It helps you believe in yourself.
Is the oldest at school? Start chatting. To moms.
You can get out!! You have to make that effort.

haveidonetherightthingg Mon 04-Jan-16 13:07:01

No the oldest isn't in school yet. He's only 2.
I have tried starting a few threads under a different username to get to know people who have children with disabilities. The problem is that the condition they have is so rare I have never, and probably never will, meet anyone else who has it.
I will definitely start going to some kind of social groups soon. At the moment I have no motivation.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding Mon 04-Jan-16 13:41:30

Well they dont need the same condition to be understood as parent. I.e how hars things get, somewhere to moan, but het support.
I assume the youngets are twins? There are TAMBA suppprt groups about.

mummytime Mon 04-Jan-16 13:56:59

Do try posting in SN chat or popping into the goose and carrot thread, it's for all parents with children with SN, and full of practical help like how to fill in forms and claim all you can ( and maintenance doesn't reduce that).

SS do not take away children because smother has PND, they wouldn't have the resources.

Jux Mon 04-Jan-16 19:25:08

Well done! Yes, it's hard, you're mourning the relationship you could have had and expected to have, you're mourning the future you could not have with ex.

Oh do post on the sn board. It really doesn't matter what condition it is, the hurdles will still be there, and people can help you get over them, support you in your exhaustion. There are so many points of similarity, you will find it really helpful.

Bogeyface Mon 04-Jan-16 19:50:44

You will probably find that your PND improves dramatically now, and if SS took children away from mothers who have PND then there would be more children in care than out of it.

As PP have said, if he doesnt even want all 3 kids overnight then there is no way on earth he will want them full time, its just another thing to attempt to control you with. He is more likely to fly to the moon that actually attempt to gain custody.

Whereabouts in the country are you? There may be an MN local group where you could get in touch with people.

haveidonetherightthingg Mon 04-Jan-16 20:13:56

I'm in the north east.

Today has been really hard. DS goes to a childminder a couple of days a week to give me some time with the babies and to get my housework done. So I've been on my own all day with 2 very grumpy babies that had their imms 3 days ago and haven't been well since.

H came to see the children after work and collect some more stuff.

I wanted to tell him to stay. I wanted him to put his arms round me and tell me everything will be ok. I wanted to sleep with him one last time.

But I didn't, which I'm patting myself on the back for. But I did cry when he left.

I feel like I've failed. How can I bring up 3 kids under 3 on my own. No one else will ever want me again. I'll be alone forever, craving the relationship I desperately wanted with my husband but couldn't have.

Bogeyface Mon 04-Jan-16 20:19:29

If you open the full topics list below and scroll down to the bottom you will see "Local Talk" and in there are all the local boards, some are used more than others though so it can be a bit hit and miss.

StickyProblem Mon 04-Jan-16 20:53:29

A family member of mine had a DC with a very rare condition, she made some great friends from all over the world on a Facebook group Dedicated to parents of DC with that condition. They were suggesting which meds to try and all sorts, comforted each other through hospital visits etc. Perhaps there is a similar group for your DCs conditions?
Hope things feel better for you soon flowers

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: