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Would this upset you (IL related)?

(8 Posts)
sotiredofthis1 Mon 04-Jan-16 08:09:58

Am a little upset because dd3 told me that while my 3 kids were at SIL's house all day on the 1st, SIL, her 2 dc and my ds and dd1 were at different points laughing and being rude about me re. various things. I have suspected for a while that this goes on (though not with my kids there) and I think that SIL is a difficult sometimes negative person, but am upset that she would contribute to what feels like poisoning my children's minds against me about things which may be seemingly irrational parenting choices but which are none of their business.

Even more upsetting when I think that I have really busted a gut when they come to to see us - cooking / making beds / going with them on their outings because my kids want to go.... I don't think anybody is above criticism and no doubt I am not perfect but cannot believe that SIL would encourage what feels like a bitching session with her kids and mine. It stands to reason because they openly criticise a lot of people (apart from MIL) so why wouldn't they do it about me.

Hurt because I went to their town because the kids wanted to (for New Year) but I actually get very little out of it apart from enjoying spending some time with MIL.

Anyway - at least I know now. It's partly dd1 - she is close to them (or one of their dcs) and if she feels something is unfair (that I say) she obviously moans to them. She is also going through what feels like a difficult phase. The problem is that they then agree with her and are critical of me.

They were also laughing / being rude about a completely innocuous thing I had phoned/texted them about - I know this is what they do - pull everything apart - people / things on TV etc... I just didn't think they would do it in front of my kids.

I asked ds about it and he confirmed what dd2 had said though with less detail. Dd2 told me she had "felt sorry for me". She is 9 and still uncritical. Why should she be put in the position of listening to people laugh about her mother angry?

Just not sure if IABU to be so upset?

MrsUniverse Mon 04-Jan-16 08:21:11

I think you need to talk to your daughter about how you feel. She needs to learn that you have feelings.

MoMoTy Mon 04-Jan-16 08:30:55

For a start, your dd needs to learn some respect for you. How awful of her to be letting her mother down that way. I don't think you have much ground broaching this with them as the first thing is well your own dd is doing it. You need to speak to her and tell her how hurtful she is.

sotiredofthis1 Mon 04-Jan-16 10:07:13

I did mention it to her yesterday saying that the decisions re which 12 films might be suitable and which might not (which was one of the things they were criticising) was not made to hurt her but because I was trying to look after her. I asked her not to talk about things like that with them in that way.

Also mentioned the laughing / being rude (for the sake of it it sounds like) about the innocuous thing.

It was interesting because she denied everything at first and then said how did I know? I said because my other dc had told me.... She said "dd2 wasn't there!" (which she was!!) confused. She did then eventually go quiet and look a bit shamefaced.

Maybe it is not as big a deal as I imagined as not many posts.... Am hurt that SIL appears to be casting me in role of unfair / to be ridiculed parent - I would never talk about her to her kids in this way.

CumbriaMum91 Mon 04-Jan-16 14:45:17

It's not appropriate, not at all and well done for discussing with your DD although it may need further talking about.

SIL is meant to be the adult and should be saying "don't speak about your mother like that", etc. I wouldn't allow it in my presence it's very rude, to join in isn't at all acceptable.

Not sure if you feel comfortable speaking to SIL or even just dropping the hint that you know what was discussed and everything gets back to you. If she thinks the kids are "grassing her up" she'll probably stop. Good on your other kids for letting you know x

Yoksha Mon 04-Jan-16 14:49:38

I would have to call Sil out on it! Probably bad advice, but all concerned need to understand how vile this is. I also feel anger on your behalf. People just open there traps without considering that there's consequences, and she's undermining your role in your childrens' lives. How old are your dd1 and ds? Old enough to know how damaging this is?

We had a situation a few years ago with my daughter and grand daughter. When gd came home from her dad's, it was "dad said this about you. Dad does it differently, and said your mental". Well, my daughter went ape s**t at gd. Told her to pack her bags and go live there if she had such a poor opinion of her as a mum. It pulled her up short. She also contacted gd's father and told him what she'd found out. Things slowly improved, and a relationship was saved. Thing is, our grand children are sometimes mildly critical of their mum. We don't encourage it, but silently agree. My other Dd2 will quite happily criticise Dd1 ( their mum) after speaking to her neice and nephew, but I shut her down and won't condone this type of behaviour. Perhaps the Mil needs to set boundaries between all concerned. Especially if you have a good relationship with her.

gamerchick Mon 04-Jan-16 15:22:00

Well in wouldn't see the harm in having a quiet word with your bairn and say that words are like toothpaste in that they can't be put back in the tube, words can hurt feeling and that your feelings are hurt. Then leave her to ponder on that.

The SIL I'm not sure. When I found out my ex SIL had been slagging me off when her kid confidently came out with it as if it was normal I told her to fuck off next time she rang and haven't spoken to her since.

That may not be the right way but I have no time for people like that.

sotiredofthis1 Thu 07-Jan-16 09:50:05

Thanks for your thoughts. Feel less upset now but really do not want to have much to do with SIL in future. It's not the kind of thing I could talk to her about - or MIL. SIL is just a very opinionated and argumentative kind of person who is always right angry. Spoke to my Dad about it who said that looking after the dc is my responsibility (and dh's obviously) and that others' opinions on how I do it are irrelevant - am going to try to bear this in mind.

Also don't know exactly what tone they were using and how things were said as going by dd2's account - however it all really fits in with other stuff I have observed (and things she sometimes pointedly says in front of me angry) and SIL should not have been making fun of me in front of my dc full stop. I guess I am kind of scared of her and don't know how to change this dynamic.

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