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Two affairs-shattered and lost

(38 Posts)
DazedandConfused44 Sun 03-Jan-16 21:45:45

Ok here it is. We've been married for nearly 9 years together for 12. I have two sons 18&16 one lives with us one with his mum. One D 8.
Back in May 15 I sensed something was amiss and went looking and found texts between my W and a chap she's known for many years but(apparently) not well. They were flirtatious and sexual in nature and alluded to previous contact all be it in a tenuous way. I sat on them for a few days but couldn't cope with the knowledge so approched my W. She told me it was all fabricated based on an on going joke between them and she agreed it was completely inappropriate and that she had already messaged him to say as much. She apologised and said he did too as they realised it had hurt me. Although we agreed to carry on as usual my confidence was badly knocked as there had never been any suggestion of straying before- a little flirtation maybe but that's something that attracted her to me in the first place.
For the next few months things returned to normal but for me there was an under current and a feeling of uneas which I couldn't shake. I guess that might have made me hard to live with perhaps but at Oct half term we fell out over arrangements for child cover and she goes out and gets a solicitor!? I'm pretty stunned and am really suspicious by now so after a few weeks I have a look on her iPad and find a bunch of emails to a different guy who she met indirectly through work. They are quite romantic and seem weighted to her doing the chasing. So again I confront her and she is busy mitigating the contact but by now she's sounding pretty hollow. She did admit to there having been lots more emails/contact but that as it didn't mean anything she'd deleted then. I love her and my dd very much and I agree to put this on line affair behind us and go away for the weekend 12 Dec that was pre planned. Although we had a pleasant evening with her acting like the first flush of romance which resembled the email soppyness I'd read to this second chap, the 'more contact' comments she'd alluded to were nawing away at me.
When we got back to the room I asked to see what might be on her phone if I was to trust her again. She cried and she procrastinated but in the end let me see. OHhhh brother did I see. It was the worst(best!!?) fantasy sex filth I've ever read. Full on hard core with subject matter I'd been previously informed in no uncertain terms was off limits- porn/anal etc( not that these were requests of mine in the past). I also found evidence of hotel room booked which she admitted was intended for afternoon sex but says never got used which I'm fairly certain is true. She referred to me as 'twat' throughout the text exchange which is hurtful as I'm a fully involved father and hands on husband due to her disability and quite long bouts of depression. She discusses him getting to know our daughter better and how she has no idea why I'm so bothered about the choice of the new tiles we just chose as I won't be here to enjoy them. It took an hour to read the volume of text messages so you can imagine how much hurtful and vile stuff there was.
So it's all on line is the adamant story and it's all over so to cut a long story short I forgive her and she gives me the pass codes to iPad, phone and find my iPad and I'm feeling these are all the right things to do. So after a few days I think well why not? That's why she's done it so I check.
In her email sent box( one of 4 email addresses she has) I find a trail of emails to the first chap going back over a year! Naked pictures and videos and loads of sexy/ dirty and romantic chat. They met at a London hotel 'for dinner' when I thought she was at a hen do. She claims nothing happened. Finally she admits as was documented in an email one physical meeting at his office after hours where they kissed and he fondled her naked breasts. It kills me to write that down and cannot shake that image. Also she booked lunche and hotel room but didn't do them...... It had, she says all simmered down and they had returned to just friends when I uncovered all of this Monday prior to Christmas. They had just agreed to keep it all concealed and that's what they had agreed from the outset.
I'm shattered. I'm exhausted and have lost a stone. I'm camped out in the spare room and apart from a few tears and answering my questions(honestly??!) she hasn't approched the subject of her own volition even though she knows that's what I want. It's been the underlying 'problem' in our marriage all along and what I've been asking her to do more of- communicate. There are as usual lots of subtleties to this story but that's pretty much it.
Can you come back from this? Really? Sorry this so long but it feels a bit better just writing it down. Yours sincerely- 'the twat'😔

Borninthe60s Sun 03-Jan-16 22:18:11

She is unhappy and seeking what she hasn't got so I'm not sure you could come back from this. She will also not have admitted to everything she's done, only what you've evidence of.

For me it would be a deal breaker but it depends, only you two know. I'm not sure how you would ever regain the trust.

NewLife4Me Sun 03-Jan-16 22:25:24

You aren't happy and don't trust her. Maybe you still love her but without trust you have no relationship.
She wants out as she isn't even trying to be faithful, not that you should have to try.
your dd deserves better than this and you would both be good parents in the event of a divorce, which seems like what your dw wants.
How can you be with a person like this, she doesn't love you, is hurting you and will continue to do so until YOU stop her.
Start divorce proceedings and see your life get better instantly.

springydaffs Sun 03-Jan-16 23:40:34

She is unhappy and seeking what she hasn't got

What?!? She's just a cheat, plain and simple. Unhappy/happy has zero to do with it.

She is treating you like pure shit, op. I personally wouldn't want to come back from this, though I appreciate that's easy to say, harder to do.

I'm so sorry you've been treated so very badly. A definite LTB from me.

badtime Sun 03-Jan-16 23:52:18

Christ on a bike, Born, would you say that about a cheating husband ?

AnyFucker Mon 04-Jan-16 00:08:48

Ugh, she sounds quite the sexually incontinent piece of work

You do know those "unused" hotel rooms were anything but, don't you ?

I am afraid you know only the absolute tip of the iceberg here

She has treated you with utter contempt. If you could bring yourself to forgive her acting like some sort of porn star on speed with every guy that shows her some attention, would you really be such a mug as to overlook the way she belittled you to the men she was debasing both herself and you with ?

You would be a fool to try and hold this together...she despises you I am sorry to say.

Theoldcauliflower Mon 04-Jan-16 00:09:00

So sorry this has happened to you op, what a shit she is!
I couldn't come back from this she's crossed so many lines.
I think you would be much better off without her, easier said than done but my god you can't live like this.
I hope you are ok wineflowerswine

StickyToffeePuddingAndCustard Mon 04-Jan-16 01:11:12

How awful, I am sorry to hear you've had to go through all of this.

It sounds as over as it could possibly be really. You deserve to be in a happy, trusting relationship and after so much deceit, this sounds as if you could never get back to that... and would you even want to? She's betrayed you more than once now, her behaviour seems like it is over for her.

I hope you have some support in RL to help you at this incredibly stressful time flowers

Threefishys Mon 04-Jan-16 01:20:53

Get rid. She sounds dreadful.

TrollTheRespawnJeremy Mon 04-Jan-16 01:24:58

She's a sneak and a liar. Not worthy to clean your boots.

annandale Mon 04-Jan-16 01:35:27

Oh my God. I'm really sorry to hear this.

I would ask her to leave.

LucySnow12 Mon 04-Jan-16 07:21:34

I think there are too many lies and her treatment of you is beyond redemption. I would separate. I couldn't stay if my cheating spouse was referring to me as a "twat". You deserve better.

Hissy Mon 04-Jan-16 07:34:07

Glad you took the plunge Dazed I know you'll get lots of support here.

I couldn't live with that level of contempt. Sounds like she's even introduced your child to one of them?

What do you honestly want? Do you really think you want to be with a woman who treats you like this?

Gliblet Mon 04-Jan-16 07:39:10

I can't imagine why you'd want to 'come back from this' tbh. She doesn't seem to value your relationship at all. Make sure you keep copies/screenshots for your lawyer.

Blu Mon 04-Jan-16 08:16:18

So sorry, DazedAndConfused, you have been treated terribly and it must be very painful.

Although she can see you have been fighting for your marriage, the weekend away, etc, she has still not been honest with you. She is still lying, minimising , only admitting what you find out.

She is betraying you left, right and centre . You are almost certainly not 'a twat' (you don't sound like one !) but she is treating you as if she has no respect for you.

I believe it can be possible to recover from a betrayal IF the guilty party takes full responsibility, is genuinely mortified and sorry and prepared to do anything to prove their future trustworthiness . Your wife is barely even pretending to be truthful to you!

Your self respect is important . Take control , make a plan, and leave in a way that takes care of your Dd and yourself. I can appreciate you don't want to lose any contact with your child as a result of your wife's terrible behaviour.

Do you own your house?

Meeep Mon 04-Jan-16 08:36:27

It sounds like she's incapable of being faithful, and it is true in afraid, people only admit to what they have to, so I would definitely assume that she has done more than you already know.
If you stay, things will never be the same again.

friendafar Mon 04-Jan-16 08:45:23

She's having affairs because she's missing something in herself. It has NOTHING to do with what you're doing or not doing OP. If she married any of these guys shed likely do the same to them.

OP you deserve more than this. So much more.

Sadly, the only person who can put some kind of end to this hurt and mistrust is you.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 04-Jan-16 08:49:01

Can you come back from this?
That really depends on what your deal breakers are.
Absolutely no way could I come back from this.
The lies, the deceit, the disrespectfulness - no way.
But if you want to try to come back from this then that is totally your call.
TBF she sounds vile.
Maybe see a solicitor to see where you stand with regard to finances, access, assets, etc.... Then take it from there.
I could never love anyone who had been so openly disgusting with others and to me behind my back.
But then I take no prisoners and won't be treated badly.
You can ask my ExH about that!

Fatrascals Mon 04-Jan-16 08:57:41

What on earth would be the POINT of "coming back" from this.

Respect yourself OP ......I can't understand for a second why you would want to have a relationship with some one who treats you like shit.

ptumbi Mon 04-Jan-16 09:07:15

Respect yourself is right - she calls you a twat, sleeps around, is thinking of introducing your daughter to these other men... What a lovely piece of work.

Sha has already moved on, hence the solicitor. Get your own, so that you protect your assets and your contact with your dd.

There is no 'coming back' from this. Either it will stay the same (her sexual incontinence) or she will leave. Your relationship is over.

ptumbi Mon 04-Jan-16 09:08:38

Oh - and get an STI check.

If that doesn't kill your 'love' for her, nothing will.

MazzleDazzle Mon 04-Jan-16 09:17:53

She has lied to you and is continuing to lie to you. I'm afraid I agree with others in that she's only admitting to what she has to.

Your relationship has been a sham and it's over. You could try and soldier on, but neither of you will be happy and she will continue to cheat.

You've been treated appallingly and deserve much, much better. I suggest you get some legal advice and your finances in order so that she doesn't take advantage further.

Sorry you are going through this and at such a miserable time of year.

pilates Mon 04-Jan-16 09:57:30

Get some legal advice, especially concerning your DD.

She doesn't love you or even respect you.

I cannot see how you can "come back from this".

So sorry for you.

DazedandConfused44 Tue 05-Jan-16 00:10:02

Thinking I've been a proper mug. She seems lost and unable to connect to our marriage plodding on in her own world. When we are good we are great together but something major has to happen now. I will be getting some advice though. Daft now not to.
You have all been kind- it's hard sharing this stuff in RL as I feel a bit ashamed and that people will blame me.

AnyFucker Tue 05-Jan-16 00:46:33

You should not feel ashamed. She is the one who should be hanging her head right now.

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