Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Getting back together after (sort of) cheating

(27 Posts)
mildredbogeywoman Sun 03-Jan-16 21:43:44

I was seeing someone I really liked for a short time, and I just felt an inkling feeling he was still on dating sites and talking to other women. Just nagging sense in me that he wasn't exclusively talking to me and although it was veyr early day (6 dates) I didn't like it and didn't sit well with me so I pulled away a bit.

I just had a bad feeling, although I really liked him, and i didn't want to be checking up on someone and not feeling like i was the only girl in his life. So I split up with him over it, I didn't say why but I just ultimately felt like he wasn't being truthful and was playing the field a bit and lo and behold within a few days he was snapped by some other girl on Instagram and I connected the dots and she was also someone from online dating.

So, I am not sure where the line of cheating is but he'd definitely been lining up options and to me that felt like being dishonest. Yes, we had said we were exclusive, as we'd been talking online for a couple of months before we had our first date and we'd both said we preferred to date on that basis.

So while he didn't sleep with her before we split, he was definitely talking to her and it was a matter of time before something happenned.

Not nice obviously, and I was very angry and upset even though it was early days as I felt it disrespectful and also a massive turn off but he was very apologetic and seemed sincerely to be pretty upset (and suprised) that he'd hurt me.

He didn't outright lie...but he definitely skirted the truth.

So I found out and big blow out where he admitted basically that although he hadn't met anyone else when he was seeing me, he had been talking to a few other girls and that he knew it wasn't 100% right as he felt quite guilty about it but his ego ran away with him. He said he'd never done anything like that before, it was his first experience with OLD, and that while the attention was intoxicating it had made him feel awful and he would never want to behave that way again.

I ahev to say, he actually looked guilty at times, so I don't think it sat well with him. I could cerainly sense something was up and while I knew he wasn't seeing anyone else as we new where we were all the time, I efinitely sensed he wasn't being 100% open.

He did ask me right away to get back together, and he ended it after a week with this other girl, but I was very angry and didn't talk to him for ages. I felt particularly angry as I'd told all the other OLD men that I was seeing someone and cut off communication. I felt a total fool really.

So for a few months now he has been slowly trying to make amends and show that all he wants is me, and I do believe he is not seeing anyone else and is truly sorry. In a way, we are actually closer from it, it caused him to open up about feeling insecure and aout his life and past and it brought us to be closer friends in a strange way.

I have arranged this weekend to meet up with him for the first time, and obviously it's taken a lot of talking and stuff to get to that point but i am still angry, jealous, mistrusting and wanted to know how you get past that?

At times I feel fantastic and excited and great towards him and so glad we're getting a "clean slate" and other times I worry that I have set myself up to be taken for a fool twice.

I know if i am going to do this it has to be a fresh start and second chance to get it right, but I also don't want to completely do his head in going on about the past.

I just have so many questions.

Like if he really liked me...why / how could he even want to talk to other girls?

Like how he could jump into bed with her immeditely when we split up?

Like the thought of him with her, kissing her, everything makes me feel sick still.

I know this isn't quite "cheating" in the textbook sense, but to me it was certainly something close to it.

Has anyone got any tips or ideas for how I get past this, how I move on from it, how we make the best of this second chance, how I get rid of the residual insecure feeling it gave me and what I should be asking for from him at this stage?

Is it reasonable for example to ask him to completely remove all his dating profiles and unfriend / block this woman on everything? He is still friends with her which really annoys me!!! But I am obviously not his wife, this was 6 dates, so I am not sure what I should be doing.

I do think he is worth another chance, but obviously I don't want to spoil it by not handling it right.

mildredbogeywoman Sun 03-Jan-16 21:44:31

Gosh sorry that was so long! It felt short when I wrote it sad

Ikeameatballs Sun 03-Jan-16 21:47:43

You're not right for each other.

Move on.

Trills Sun 03-Jan-16 21:48:54

It's not cheating if you haven't discussed exclusivity.

If you have not discussed being exclusive, you should expect that someone might be seeing other people.

Move on from this man, and be aware of that for the next one.

BathtimeFunkster Sun 03-Jan-16 21:55:51

They had agreed exclusivity.

Don't waste any more time of this man.

So much drama and stress. If he had been properly keen and a decent bloke none of this would have happened.

Move on.

mildredbogeywoman Sun 03-Jan-16 21:56:04

I've already made the decision to give us another try, so was more looking for advice on how to put the past behind you whilst at the same time making sure you are taking good care of yourself

BathtimeFunkster Sun 03-Jan-16 21:58:46

You are not taking good care of yourself by dating a man you know is dishonest and prone to playing the field.

His ego probably needed to know he can win you back. Now it will need other conquests to satisfy its need for lady admiration.

mildredbogeywoman Sun 03-Jan-16 22:00:15

I can only go off my own judgement, which was sound when felt he wasn't being truthful and open and I feel is also sound when I feel now he has learned from it and is genuine about wanting to try again with me. I like him, and I want to give him this second chance.

MoMoTy Sun 03-Jan-16 22:08:12

This 'relationship' already has a backstory and bad start for you. That's not the basis for a healthy, good relationship. Sounds like you both are not suitable for each other.

nocabbageinmyeye Sun 03-Jan-16 22:11:07

You went on six dates? If you even need to start a thread after six dates them it's time to walk away. To be honest you sound a little intense/over invested/ott

mildredbogeywoman Sun 03-Jan-16 22:16:36

There's people I have been on 20 dates with and been less invested. I liked this one, so yes was extremely invested.

I know you can't make a post and then pick and choose what advice to listen to, and thanks everyone for posting, but for the sake of time please know I have discussed it, evaluated it, spend a great deal of time going over it and have made this decision in the best way I know how.

Good people do sometimes make mistakes, and while I am not one to advocate lying or cheating or anything close to those I am definitely wanting to at least take this chance.

I realise he might do it again, but actually think he's no more likely than any other man - because it can happen to anyone at any time.

I have known him six months now, so yes, been on six dates but strangely this incident ha led to us speaking most days and getting to know a lot about each other.

I feel this is right for me, and hope you can take that on board with your advice. I am not blind to the fact that it's a risk.

summerwinterton Sun 03-Jan-16 22:16:56

why do you think you can trust him now when you couldn't before. Unless you are going to spend all your time policing his phone. And after 6 dates you are wayyy over the top. Think you should spend some time alone and look at why you think this is all you deserve.

mildredbogeywoman Sun 03-Jan-16 22:18:49

I also don't think anyone would go on 6 dates with someone and then spend 3 months investing time every day into trying to make amends and get anonother chance just to prove something to their ego.

People can be arseholes, but I think that's taking it a bit far. He's not an evil villain twiddling his moustache.

mildredbogeywoman Sun 03-Jan-16 22:20:27

I don't think "this is all I deserve" at all.

I think I deserve complete fidelity, honesty, commitment and truth.

I think everyone does.

lazymoz Sun 03-Jan-16 22:22:54

There just shouldn't be this much drama at the beginning of something.

I agree that I don't think you are right for each don't seem to be on the same page

hownottofuckup Sun 03-Jan-16 22:28:46

I think you need to decide to leave it behind you (it's not the biggest of indiscretions really, and he's obviously shown you he regrets it) and put the effort in to ensure that you do. Something like mindfulness?

nameschangerer Sun 03-Jan-16 22:30:11

Trust is earned so all you need is to give him time to prove he's trustworthy now.

I know this other girl makes you jealous but no you can't tell him who he can be friends with. You just need to have some faith in him and trust your own instincts again.

It's basically not something you can just shake off. Just enjoy getting to know him and if he lets you down again know that you tried.

Stop being so controlling. Enjoy it

nocabbageinmyeye Sun 03-Jan-16 22:35:19

Honestly if it were him posting i'd be telling him to run for the hills not the other way around. If you are going to try make it work then I would say you need to calm down, very few people (anyone I know) wouldn't be out off by such intensity so early when it should be fun

mildredbogeywoman Sun 03-Jan-16 22:40:25

So you mean don't think about it at all and take it like a new relationship completely?

I do think that sounds better than feeling like I need to check.

I know I can't guarantee anything but if I'm deciding to take the chance I want it to be without stress

mildredbogeywoman Sun 03-Jan-16 22:41:48

No cabbage. Honestly. If you were daying someone you really liked and they did that I'd be interested to see how you felt. There's nothing intense about wanting to date someone I can trust

DontBuyANewMumCashmere Sun 03-Jan-16 22:42:08

If you like him enough to give him a second chance and he has apologised I think you need to a) decide if you can accept his apology and believe it wasn't his usual self/behaviour or b) accept if you will be too worried about him playing the field to truly trust him again, then move on.

i am still angry, jealous, mistrusting and wanted to know how you get past that?
I think if you feel this strongly about it you might not get past it.

I had a relationship with someone who I felt deceived me, a trivial matter in many regards but I do not put up with lies.
We broke up but got back in touch after over a year, when he realised the 'deception' was part of my reasons for breaking up he was horrified, honestly proved to me he had not meant to deceive me and I could tell he was generally an honest man.
I gave him a second chance and we're very happily married now. But I never felt angry, jealous or mistrusting about the topic of the 'deception' and I don't believe he's lied to me since.
I had a previous man lie and lie to me, and if I had to speak to him again I wouldn't believe a word he said, and I do feel very angry and mistrusting about him. I could never bear to go out with him again.

Perhaps you need to move on to someone you can trust? Good luck.

mildredbogeywoman Sun 03-Jan-16 22:48:18

I do believe it wasn't his usual behavior and do believe he is truly sorry and is generally an honest man. I think the situation just ran away with him and there was a little bit of suspecting it's "just what people did" and perhaps not knowing me well enough to know (a) how much it would bother me and (b) that I myself wasn't doing that. I think he tried it on for size and didn't like himself very much.

Thank you*DontBuy*, I think if I am going to see him this weekend I am just going to have to just act like we are meeting for the first time again and do the clean slate.

DontBuyANewMumCashmere Sun 03-Jan-16 22:56:25

Good, and if he brings it up I would say something like 'Let's not talk about it again, but you need to remember honesty and openness are extremely important to me, I was close to not meeting up with you again.' Then move on and see how it goes.

Hope it ends well for you OP

nocabbageinmyeye Sun 03-Jan-16 23:10:48

Honestly I just can't see myself being that invested after 6 dates, although i do understand you would be disappointed.

My impression of online dating was that you could speak to someone for months and have a fantastic online connection only to meet in person and have no connection whatsoever. It's for that very reason I think some people speak to more than one person at a time, not to time waste ir out all their eggs in one basket, not in a bad way, it's actually pretty sensible in many ways. He may have been doing this, which would not be a reflection on you, then when you met he liked you but just wasn't quite as invested (only natural).

If your going to go ahead just chill out a bit, you can still use your judgement but just fine down the intense feels so you don't scare him off and so if it doesn't work it won't be too difficult for you. He could be a good guy and your on the same page now, you can keep your guard up but I honestly think relaxing a bit is the main thing

nocabbageinmyeye Sun 03-Jan-16 23:13:16

Ignore the stupid auto corrects

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now