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Ignore or confront?

(12 Posts)
Eggsbutnobacon Sun 03-Jan-16 19:28:51

Just when I thought we were getting somewhere on rebuilding our relationship OW has reared her ugly head again.
This last spring my DH of 15 years had an EA with a much younger woman he had met through work. He admitted it to me and I asked him to leave whilst I decided what to do. ( We have 2 DC aged 10 and 12).

After him living with a friend for 3 months and after lots of discussions we decided to reconcile. He had to prove himself to me in so many ways ( which he did) and obviously cut off ties completely with the ow as well as promising that he would tell me if ever she got back in touch for any reason. She lives hours away from our home town so there would never be any reason for them to meet and my DH also
changed jobs.

We got on with rebuilding our lives and I can honestly say we were getting on well, by both of us changing things which had led to the EA and communicating more when things upset us.

However yesterday he showed me a message she had sent via whatsapp after 5 months of no contact. The message itself was innocuous just saying she had " noticed" he was on whatsapp. ( She obviously still has him on her phone contact list to even know this). He has ignored the message saying she is obviously fishing to see what he is up to and to get him to be drawn into a conversation but it has left me feeling very emotional, swinging between feeling very anxious and also very mad. I really really want to text her and tell her to keep away from us but know we are doing the right thing by ignoring her.

How can I stop my anger towards her bubbling up ( especially in the evenings when kids have gone to bed for some reason). I feel as if this has set back our progress although my DH did not instigate anything. He would like to block her but we think we can only do this if her number is already in his contacts ( which it isn't) or if her message was still on his screen ( which it isn't as he deleted it as soon as he had shown me).

It has taken me months to get back to feeling reasonably calm and trying to lead our daily normal lives again and now this contact has knocked the wind out of my sails. My DH has reassured me as much as he can but it has really unsettled me.

donajimena Sun 03-Jan-16 19:30:26


gamerchick Sun 03-Jan-16 19:35:39

Of course it's unsettled you, why wouldn't it?

You're doing the right thing by ignoring but I totally understand wanting to give he both barrels. Ignore for now and if she messages again then block. That'll do her head in a lot more than you contacting her.

RiceCrispieTreats Sun 03-Jan-16 19:37:46

Your feelings are normal: this has stirred up some terrible emotions.

As for ignoring or confronting, that's for your DH to do, and it sounds really positive that, not only does he want to act to end any future contact through the app, he's also involving you in the discussion.

So I would say that the most important thing for you to do right now is to take care of yourself: this has been an emotional shock for you, and you should be kind to yourself while the emotions settle.

As for the core issue of the EA and OW, it really sounds like you and your husband are on the right track.

SongBird16 Sun 03-Jan-16 19:42:55

I can understand why you're upset - she's still out there somewhere, thinking about him enough to warrant initiating contact.

But given that you have made such progress, I think you need to view this as a positive thing.

She contacted him and not only did he ignore it, but he told you too. He is doing exactly what you've asked of him, so your marriage is already stronger and proofed against her or any other infidelities.

There will be more tests I'm sure, but after just five months you are already in a strong place. Unite against her, continue to ignore and concentrate on each other.

If you must send her something, and I can't say I'd be able to resist in your situation, I wouldn't make it a warning that she will see as a challenge, or as his cruel wife preventing him from contacting her. I'd send something that would make her feel ridiculous for contacting him and less likely to do so again. And if he can't block her on whatsapp, he can always delete the app.

ColdWhiteWinePlease Sun 03-Jan-16 19:46:55

Well personally, I'd message her saying this:

"Mr Eggs has showed me the Whatsapp message you sent him. He doesn't want anything to do with you. He doesn't know I am messaging you. Fuck right off, and stop being so fucking desperate"

donajimena Sun 03-Jan-16 19:53:35

I do apologise the op was empty when I read it! Bizarre blush

Eggsbutnobacon Sun 03-Jan-16 20:04:04

Thank you all for confirming what I knew was really the right thing to do, ie ; ignore.
I know that if I had replied I just would have sounded like an unhinged woman and that it should really have been my DH responding, if anyone, but that would have been playing right into her hands.

Coldwhite.... I would have so loved to have sent a reply like that and have had to sit on my hands to stop myself!

Roseformeplease Sun 03-Jan-16 20:10:46

Not a tech expert but do get a bit of spam through what's app and am able to block it each time, even though the number is not in my contacts.

So - block and ignore and good that your DH involved you so it is in the open.

janaus Sun 03-Jan-16 20:15:37

Re - add her number, With 'no name' as contact. Block this number, Then delete it. It remains blocked on phone

Eggsbutnobacon Sun 03-Jan-16 21:30:09

Janaus.... Fantastic, thank you.

FredaMayor Sun 03-Jan-16 21:46:08

She contacted him and not only did he ignore it, but he told you too. He is doing exactly what you've asked of him, so your marriage is already stronger and proofed against her or any other infidelities.

I agree with this OP. You must ignore OW, any response from you or DH will feed her desire to stir up disharmony in your relationship.

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