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Walk away?

(6 Posts)
NicMan Sun 03-Jan-16 18:43:44

Hi all, I need a bit of a fresh perspective on my current situation.
I am nearly 40 with 3 children.
I have been a pretty poor judge of character in the past when it comes to relationships. I had my first son at 19 with a violent man who I managed to leave when my son was 4 months old, due to the violence against me he went to prison and does not have contact with my son who is now 18. I met my ex husband when my son was nearly 3 and we were together for 6 years, before getting married and having my second son who is now 9. When my son was 2.5 years old we split up ( more me than him, as I fell out of love with him). A year after I split I had a relationship with another man for 4 years but we didn't live together as it wasn't what I wanted. We eventually went our own way as he wanted more.
I had a year of being on my own and experienced a bout of depression due to work and study stress.
I met my current partner just before last Christmas and fell completely in love. We knew straight away we wanted to be together. He has two daughters. I then fell pregnant and was mortified as I had made a conscious decision not to have anymore due to the mess ups I had made with the relationships with my sons fathers. Also the stigma attached to have children with different fathers. However my partner and I Decided to proceed with the pregnancy. We had a gorgeous little girl and she has brought our two families together and we live a relatively happy life. I am currently in maternity leave and he is in between jobs as a teacher, as he wanted to spend time st home and it has been lovely. However what has been worrying me is when my partner and I have a disagreement, he will threaten to leave. The first few times this has happened I begged him to stay as o love him and also don't want a third failed relationship with another child. Although he has done this a few times now and I have now started to think if that's what he wants them to go. I do love him but hate the threats and living on tender hooks and part of me thinks just leave. I am upset that I made the decision to have a child with him as I love him to pieces but it seems he wants to walk away over the slightest disagreement. I am an independent person with a good job and no real financial worries and he moved into my home. so being on my own has never been a problem but I would feel like a fool if this relationship falls apart as well as devastated at losing him. I have tried to talk to him about it and he just says oh it's just because he was upset!!

Supermanspants Sun 03-Jan-16 19:01:47

Bollocks to that!!
I was with someone who used to do that. I used to literally hang onto him like the sap I was.
In the end I thought fuck this so when he did it again I opened the door for him and said 'Bye then'. He went but came back quite quickly.

Don't indulge this crap. If he threatens to leave then let him go. You begging him to stay allows him to keep issuing the threat to leave. Call his bluff

TBH he sound very immature.
I also think that you probably need to spend some time on your own.

RiceCrispieTreats Sun 03-Jan-16 19:05:59

Threats of any kind have no place in a relationship.

jellyrolly Sun 03-Jan-16 19:14:29

What sort of things do you normally disagree on? Maybe they are triggers for something which you could work on. You say you are completely in love and generally happy but both of you don't seem to have a huge amount of faith in relationships, understandable of course.

NicMan Sun 03-Jan-16 20:51:49

We argue about silly things. It's generally about the kids. Too much noise, behaviour, etc. Nothing that can't be sorted. I do say to him that it's silly when he threatens to leave and we must talk and compromise. His children stay with us every weekend and so 5 children in the house can be a bit stressful and tiring, plus his ex wife can be hard work and will mess about with access arrangements. I will sometimes take some time out and take the baby out and he resents it.
I really want to make it work but I'm too old to be playing games and worrying about whether he will leave.
I think you are right sportsmanspants, I had made a decision to have a few years on my own before I met my partner but then I met him and knew I wanted to be with him. He tell me that we will never be apart and it is just an argument but surely keep making threats aren't going to help things.

jellyrolly Sun 03-Jan-16 21:30:18

Is he an insecure person do you think? Is he threatening to leave as a way to be reassured by you? I agree with you about being too old for games.

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